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From The Wizard

2009 Week 17

Grenadiers vs. Wooden Warriors

One thing for certain will happen after Week 17, a first time BDFL champion will be crowned when the Sibling Civil War of the Hand Brothers takes an interesting, and potentially violent, twist. After dispatching brother Bullet in the semifinals, Chris Hand and the “Heavy Metal Tin Men” advance to their first Big Daddy Bowl despite having only the 11th highest scoring total in the league. There to meet him will be Jaimie Hand and the “$hit Shuckers”, who have made a predictable habit of being the bridesmaid but never the bride when it comes to BDFL hardware, unless of course you count titles won in his other league. Only Wizard foresaw the unlikely run of these two contenders, and as one might expect it is only he that can gaze deep into his crystal balls to see that ELVO is badly overcompensating by making the Woodskins a 7.5 point favorite in an effort to jinx his opponent. Whether or not it keeps the Wooden Warriors from assuming the position (hands clutched firmly around throat) remains to be seen, but, regardless, the Warriors won’t cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers. 

Cheetahs vs. Bullets

For the second week in a row, BDFL title contenders decided the heat in the kitchen was a bit too much before making a quick exit. The one jumping off the big stage the fastest this time was Butch Neal’s “Shelby County She-Lions” who threw up a pathetic 9 spot last weekend. A feat made even worse on a day when his opponent posted a very pedestrian 22. Their opponent will be the “Benton Blanks” who emptied one full magazine after another into the marching Grenadiers with little apparent effect. At the very least, the Bullets put up a good fight, and didn’t succumb before throwing a Monday night scare into the Grenadiers. Nevertheless, with what amounts to a glorified mullet toss, neither team could be faulted if they came out a little flat Sunday afternoon. ELVO tends to think the Bullets will make a swing through Pratville to regroup, and reload if possible, before hunting down the Cheetahs and mounting them on their trophy room wall. The Wizard thinks they’ll have enough left over to make a nice throw rug, too.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Mayors vs. Gamblers

There are certainly worse things in life than feeling the exhilarating high of a BDFL play-off berth followed by an opening round loss that relegates someone to playing out the string, but going to the Big Dance with the highest hopes has morphed into reality for the “Mighty Mississipp’ Mud Pie Mulattoes” and the “Pork Pandering Polticos”, a grim reality that leaves both searching for dance partners for the evening’s last polka. The Gamblers have a formidable line up that no one fancies facing on any given Sunday, and Kenny thinks a few well greased palms will pave the way to closing day vict'ry, but the Great Wizardo says the Mayors’ asking price may be far more than the Gamblers can afford, especially with Favre and Tomlinson likely seeing limited, if any, playing time. While giving Favre plenty of time to begin scripting out how he’ll keep his name in the headlines by retiring and un-retiring on a seemingly weekly basis, it won’t do Kenny and the gang much good.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.  

Woosiers vs. Sloth Monsters

The “West Blount County Mounties” saw their carefully crafted run for the roses cause their noses to turn up instead after the stench of two straight play-off losses was the only thing wafting into the night last Sunday in Smoke Rise. Not to be outdone, the “Silver Lakes Couch Potatoes” followed up a “one ‘n done” first round collapse with a “two ‘n cue” performance in the loser’s bracket last week. While Tommy’s “County Mounties” know more than enough law to maintain order in the central Alabama hinterlands, Mukes and the Sloths will be quick to point out they know the penal code just good as the Woosiers. Further, the Sloths plan to place their pistol on the dash prior to kick-off so they can’t be arrested for carrying a concealed weapon. Unfortunately, it won’t be enough to keep them out of the pokey come Sunday evenin’.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Bootleggers vs. Juggernauts

The “Asian Ambulance Chasers” can end an otherwise forgettable season by winning the Big Mullet Bowl Sunday night if they can outrun Jon Wood and the “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” big, block Dodge. After exploding for a season high 56 points in the first round, the Bootleggers followed it up with an impressive 32 point day in Week 16. While two sparkling performances won’t make up for a lost season, that and a vict'ry on Sunday will guarantee plenty of food on the table, as long as they like a diet heavy on fish given the all-u-can-eat mullet win would bring. While a couple of big weeks do little more than remind the Bootleggers of what could have been, the Great Wizardo says they will find themselves taking another stroll down Vict'ry Lane come Sunday evening, especially if they run their “bootleg springs” again.

Wizard’s Wizards…the Bootleggers.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Dogs

In 1066, William the Conqueror led his Normans from present day France on a jaunt across the English Channel to defeat King Harold of the Saxons at the Battle of Hastings, a “close run thing” that ushered in the Norman conquest of England, a period that would see the French language become the tongue of choice of the English nobles for centuries to come, perhaps even into the present day. Unfortunately for Adam Slovensky and the “Helena EuroTrash”, the Slovensky conquest of the BDFL has done anything but meet with similar success and left them more tongue-tied than anything else. Unfortunately for the Slovaks, a very promising 2009 campaign quickly descended into another devastating defeat by midseason in spite of an apparently strong cast of characters. On the other side of the field will be the “Tirebiting Terriers”, who have endured a season best described as a mixed bag. While still leading the Yellow Hammer Division based on points, it was to little avail given the Yellowhammer collectively failed to advance a single team to the BDCS, an infamous first in BDFL history. Still, the Wizard says “it’s best to let a sleeping dog lie”; something the Slovaks will learn the hard way when they wake Mark’s pack from their peaceful Sunday afternoon slumber.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Blitz vs. Wizards

The “Pill Pushin’ Pachyderms” managed to put together a vict'ry in Week 16 that kept them from playing for the “Toilet Bowl” title, yet little else has gone right for the Blitz in recent weeks. In the same kettle of fish, or mullet in this case, is Merlin and the “Lollipop Guild”, whose name is apropo given the level to which they have sucked the last half of the season. Needing but a single vict'ry over the last three weeks of the regular season to gain a berth to the Big Dance, the Wizards danced the “Dixie Chicken” like they had two left feet in dropping the last three plus the first round of the BMS before salvaging some small vestige of pride last week in a mild upset of the Sleds. Unfortunately for the Wizards, the smoke and mirrors that shrouded their paper tiger of a team drifted away and was shattered, respectively, over the last quarter of the season, enough so that they won’t have enough magic left to beat the Blitz, and cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blitz.

Wildcats vs. PowerSleds

O how the mighty hath fallen, and fallen far indeed! While still holding on to a top three points ranking in the latest BDFL polls, Jack Barnes and the “Motor City Mad Men” find themselves fighting to keep from finishing dead last in the BDFL heading into Week 17. Their opponents, the “Rocky Top Child Cats”, on the other hand, cannot be overly surprised at needing a last day vict'ry to avoid the BDFL cellar after a season that has largely disappointed from opening day to the present. This game has so little appeal that the Great Wizardo predicts there will be more brothers on the street corner of Tuxedo Junction warming their hands around an open fire and harmonizing to old blues songs than in attendance at the Dolodome. While Lowry Langford, once Fairfield’s favorite son, has heaped disgrace on his former home this season after being convicted of more charges than Grace Slick has/had chins, it is safe to say a PowerSled loss will come in a close second. Fortunately for Jack, the Wizard forecasts says his name won’t be etched in infamy beside “Lowry” as his Sleds should brush aside the Cats, win, and cover. It’s hardly a trifecta worth celebrating, but it beats betting the house on Joe Dump.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 60	ELVO 68

Latest Lines

2009 Week 17

GRE @ WW (-7.5)

CHE @ BUL (-6.5)

MAY (-1.5) @ GAM

WOO @ SM (P)

BOO (-2.5) @ JUG

FS @ DOG (-3.5)

BLZ @ WIZ (-4.5)

WIL @ PS (-5.5)

ALL TEAMS PLAYING

 

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Needing but a single vict'ry over the last three weeks of the regular season to gain a berth to the Big Dance, the Wizards danced the “Dixie Chicken” like they had two left feet in dropping the last three plus the first round of the BMS before salvaging some small vestige of pride last week in a mild upset of the Sleds"

ELVO's Quote

of the Week

"Kawliga’s butt is tighter than Belrose’s used to get before St. E played the Crusaders"

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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