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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 5

Wizards vs. Dogs
Merlin and the “Dreamweavers” finally snapped out of their season long nightmare, at least for a week, to record their first victory and take their first step on the long road back to BDFL respectability. They will get a chance to take another step when they take on the “Fabulous Freebirds” in a one fall, steel cage match Sunday afternoon down at the Brookside Armory next door to the only Russian Orthodox Church in the country. It’ll be the biggest wrestling event in Brookside since Dog’s younger brother pinned Tojo Yamamoto and Bearcat Brown on the same night over fifteen years ago. Although the Dogs have been anything but fabulous for much of the year, they are still likely licking their chops in anticipation of the Wizards coming to town, but Mark will find his team has bitten off a little more than they can chew when they belly up to the table for some good home cookin’ that may turn out to not be so good after all.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Woosiers vs. Grenades
Chris Hand and the “Nad Lads” have been riding the back of a gimpy-kneed Stephen Davis so far this season and last week was no different as Davis rolled up two Monday night scores to keep the Grenades near the top of the Gray Beard Division. Meanwhile the defending champion “Tokers ‘n Smokers” have proven that showing up in person for the draft is not the shortest route to the top of the BDFL peckin’ order after a fourth straight abysmal effort in Week 4. The Great Wizardo stated last week that the Woosiers were much better than they have shown so far this year and since the Wizard is never wrong, then it must be true. Nevertheless, the BDFL may need to send Danny Maxwell and his dip stick to Smoke Rise to check the Woosiers’ oil to make sure they aren’t quart low prior to game time on Sunday. ELVO is in love with the Grenades, but the Wizardo thinks it more infatuation than anything else.
Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Juggernauts vs. Wooden Warriors
In what is easily the marquee match-up of the week, Allyson Edwards and the “Joggernauts” will take a Sunday stroll on to the reservation in hopes of leaving little doubt that they are for real. Preparing for their arrival are the “Black Creek Bridesmaids” who own the second top point total in the BDFL and an almost unblemished record through one month of the season. Leave it to the Wooden Warriors to squeeze blood from a turnip as they prove yet again to have an uncanny knack for drafting a defense that consistently scores points. It is hard to fathom that the 49ers could even field eleven guys that could line up correctly, much less know what to do when they got there, yet through four games the 49er “D” is the Warrior’s top point producer with an impressive 36 notches on their tomahawks. ELVO likes the Warriors as evidenced by the spread, but the Juggernauts will not be easily pushed to the side when the whistle blows. However, with the “Cadillac” nursing a tender ham and no Curtis Stewart in site to ride to her rescue, Allyson will have a difficult time leaving any lasting tracks on the Tribe.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wildcats
In his classic, “A Tale of Two Cities”, Charles Dickens wrote “it was the best of times and it was the worst of times” to describe the fates of Paris and London during the French Revolution era, which aptly describes this meeting of last year’s two expansion teams. Although both suffered through horrendous rookie years, the “Old Country Cronies” continue to be mired in the standings while the “Wonder Cats” are the talk of the league through the first quarter of the season. The Cats are for real and have the team to continue their “super soph” second season in the BDFL while the best the Slovaks can hope for is to pull up a chair at next year’s draft beside Jerry to get some drafting advice. The Wizard feels sure that Butch could be cajoled into giving up his seat to Adam.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Cheetahs vs. Bullets
The “Sin Wagon” has been rocking and the rest of the BDFL has been warned to not come knockin’ so far this season as the Cheetahs sit perched atop the Gray Beard Division dance pole as the October portion of the schedule gets started in earnest. Nevertheless, the “Cheaters” face a daunting task when they travel to Trey Pettimore Stadium (not to be confused with Chink Lott Stadium) to battle the “Red Tape Rebels” in Benton. Everyone knows the Bullets learned a few things from Charlie during their two tours of duty in Vietnam and the Cheetahs best be advised to proceed with caution when they go poking around the hollows off Copperhead Road because the natives are restless and the napalm does stick to kids.
Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Blades vs. Sloth Monsters
The “Shelby County Sod Slicers” are struggling to gain traction so far in 2005 and hope that the “Groovy Ghoulies” can cure their ailments in short order, which is a pretty good bet since the Sloths have proven to be a good tonic for everyone else they have played so far. While Mukes continues to recuperate from major surgery, what’s left of his division title hopes are rapidly flat lining with no real hope that they can resuscitated. The Blades aren’t quite good enough to just toss their jack handles and knives out on the field and win, but it is a good bet that if they throw their sword out instead, the Sloth Monsters will fall on it post haste.
Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Bootleggers vs. Power Sleds
Jon Wood and his “Brimstone Chunkin’ Bible-thumpers” will take their revival on the road to try and convert some of the heathens through a baptism by fire, and there will be plenty of heathens to choose from when the big, block Dodge rolls into Fairfield Sunday afternoon to take on the “One-eyed Jacks are Wild” Power Sleds. However, the Bootleggers shouldn’t expect the Sleds to pitch a tent in anticipation of their arrival and had best bring out their “bully pulpit” if they expect to covert the masses. Fortunately for the Bootleggers, they’ll leave town with plenty of converts and the collection plates brimming with cash after the Sleds fold like a cheap tent.
Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Mayors vs. Gamblers
The “Pork Barrel Boys” have not had much success getting a lottery through the hard working, overburdened taxpayers of Alabama, but they had best bone up on their gambling skills quickly if they expect to hang with the hard charging “Bayou La Batre Blackjack Attack” this weekend. The Mayors stumbled badly last weekend and will need to quickly right the ship before they get to the Gulf Coast if they want to avoid the sinking feeling they got last Sunday. Brett Favre’s magnificent performance on Monday night helped propel the Gamblers to a crushing a victory and they will need the Kiln, MS native to stay red hot if they want to continue raking in the big pots. Fortunately for Kenny, politicians are much better gambling the taxpayer’s money than their own which should give the Gamblers the opening they need to post another big payday at the mutual window.
Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Quote of the

Week

"ELVO is in love with the Grenades, but the Wizardo thinks it more infatuation than anything else"

Quote of the

Week II

"However, with the “Cadillac” nursing a tender ham and no Curtis Stewart in site to ride to her rescue, Allyson will have a difficult time leaving any lasting tracks on the Tribe.

Quote of the

Week III

“Bayou La Batre Blackjack Attack”

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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