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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 3

Mayors vs. Wizards

Another perfectly dreadful weekend for Merlin’s “Pagan Potion Brewers” leaves them in the very depths of the BDFL sewer leading the Wizard himself to quote “Alabama has Mississippi going for it and the Wizards have the Slovaks…and not much else.” Two straight weeks of watching the vaunted Wizard ground game generate nary a point has the Wizard calling Irving Spikes on speed dial, but it is unlikely that even Spikes can help the woeful Wizards this weekend when they entertain the “Red Tape Renegades” from City Hall. Alan Arrington has the Mayors perched atop the Gray Beard Division with a solid if unspectacular start to the year, and see this weekend as easy pickins’ when they arrive at the Greystone Lawn Tennis & Croquet Club Sunday afternoon. The Great Wizardo agrees that the Mayors should find the keys to the kingdom when they arrive, but does not see them covering the spread, too.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Cheetahs vs. Wooden Warriors

Jaimie Hand and the “Black Creek Doo Doo Pumpers” have been in high gear so far in 2005 and have already established a very nice cushion against the rest of their division although the Warriors’ substantial lead has been helped considerably by the three blind mice that pose as the balance of the Green Horn Division. However, this weekend the Tribe steps up in class when they face the “Silicone-injected Valley Girls” Sunday afternoon. Although the Cheetahs are in second place in the Gray Beard Division, they are easily within striking distance of the top and plan to use the Wooden Warriors as a scratching post on their way to the top of the heap. Unfortunately for Butch, it is more likely the Warriors will use the Cheetahs as a whippin’ post instead.

Wizard’s Winner…Wooden Warriors.

Blades vs. Woosiers

After rolling to the BDFL title in 2004, Tommy Todd and the “Smokers ‘n Tokers” have found themselves being the one to get rolled up by the rest of the BDFL in the early stages of their ’05 title defense campaign. Tommy is learning the hard way that the only thing more difficult than defending a BDFL title is trying to get the rest of the BDFL cheap skates to pay up on Super Sunday. Speaking of “super”, pseudo-BDFL owner Lyle Arrington and the “Super Sabers” have had a maudlin start so far this year and will probably find themselves on the business end of a knife more often than not as the season progresses. However, Sunday may be the perfect time for the Blades to carve out a “W” at the Woo Crew’s expense.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Juggernauts vs. Bullets

Allyson Edwards and the “Rice Burners” have been cooking with gas so far this year and appear to have finally cobbled together a team that can make a legitimate run at the play offs. Before they start popping champagne corks in Leeds, however, the Nauts will have to make a very dangerous trip down Copperhead Road to Trey Pettimore Stadium and return relatively unscathed to keep themselves from getting derailed. Jerome and the “Black Belt Bureaucrats” are off to a respectable start, but are hardly hitting on all cylinders heading into Week Three and could be considerably better with the right adjustments. (WIZARD’s NOTE: The Wizard has been saying that about Jeff Gordon’s continued dismal performance for four months now in the Godzilla Racing Series thinking at some point Gordo has to get back in gear. Thank goodness the Wizard can hold his breath for extremely long periods of time because Gordo is still struggling.) If the Bullets can get Manning performing at even close to his dazzling 2004 season, they will likely have too much firepower for the Juggernauts to deal with.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Grenades

Chris Hand has not only changed venues this season in an attempt to gain some traction in his thus far fruitless quest for a BDFL title, he’s also changed cities and even states and is betting his move to the bright lights of Nashville and rubbing elbows with the celebrities will give him back the “mojo”. Aw h$!!, who are we kidding, the next time the “Milk Duds” find their “mojo” will also be the first time. Nevertheless, the Grenades are better than their impotent performance thus far indicates and should be able to slay any chances Adam Slovensky and the “Old Country Immigrants” (Not to be confused with Jerry’s Old Town Tavern.) well before they arrive in the Music City. The Wizard is betting it will be somewhere just north of Pulaski.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Gamblers vs. Wildcats

If Jerry James’ sophomore season continues at its current pace, echoes of “break up the Wildcats” will be heard before long as the “James’ Gang” has blazed a trail across the wild, wild BDFL leaving a trail of carnage in their wake in this young season. Speaking of carnage, Kenny Breal and the “Swamped Rats” are still dealing with the devastating effects of Katrina (Wizard’s Quote: “That Katrina was a real ‘beyotch’, kinda’like my first wife.”) and are also trying to right their ship in the almost as equally rough ‘n tumble BDFL. Two past championships for the boys from the Bayou will force the Wildcats to respect the always dangerous Gamblers, but it is likely that the Cats’ roar will be heard again this weekend as they add yet another kill to their tally.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Bootleggers vs. Dogs

Jon Wood has spent most of the off season under the hood of his big, block Dodge and the results have been quite obvious through the first two weeks of the season.  In addition to hauling weekly load down to Knoxville, the Bootleggers have carried themselves to the top of their division as well. Meanwhile, Mark Burr and the “White Meat Mutts” (and we ain’t talkin’ about pork or chicken) have been grilled medium well through two games, but see Sunday as a chance to bring down an early season “Big Dawg” in the BDFL and prove they can pee in the tall grass as well as anyone. Unfortunately for the Dogs, their tails will be firmly tucked between their legs when the Bootleggers sling gravel on their way home from Brookside.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Sloth Monsters vs. Power Sleds

Mike Dismukes and the Franken Freaks” have spent much of the last week replacing some parts on the “Sloth Monstermobile” after a tough Week Two of the BDFL season. In more ways than one the Wizardo might add. Nevertheless, the Sloth Monsters are still well within striking distance of the streaking Woodskins in the Green Horn Division and will look to close the gap come Sunday when they arrive at the Larry Lankford Dolodome to try and short circuit the “Fairfield Power Company” in Week Three. Jack has kept the Sled attack between the ditches thus far and has the team to be in the hunt for a division title come December. Mukes is listed as “doubtful” for Sunday, but the Sleds chances of covering the spread are equally as doubtful.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Quote of the

Week

"Meanwhile, Mark Burr and the “White Meat Mutts” (and we ain’t talkin’ about pork or chicken) have been grilled medium well through two games, but see Sunday as a chance to bring down an early season “Big Dawg” in the BDFL and prove they can pee in the tall grass as well as anyone"

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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