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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications  

By The Wizard

  Week 1  

Mayors vs. Power Sleds

For much of their BDFL existence the Mayors have sucked so badly that the Great Wizardo has contemplated asking Alan Arrington and the “City Hall Hooligans” to relocate their franchise to Nantucket. However, a 2002 championship changed the face of the franchise for at least the foreseeable future. Although the last two seasons have seen a return to a more familiar position well down the BDFL pecking order, the Mayors still have high hopes of duplicating their magical 2002 run to the top. Meanwhile, “Mad Jack” Barnes has married (on the sly) and reproduced (Editor’s Note: The Wizard thought any member of the Power Sleds was barred from reproducing unless specifically given permission by Congress.) within the last year. Although it is obvious Jack married up (we’re talking stratospheric levels here), he will still have to come back to earth quickly if he has any thoughts of recapturing past glories. Unfortunately for Jack, he’ll be left flapping in the breeze come Sunday evenin’.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors

Wooden Warriors vs. Sloth Monsters

After being fitted for yet another bridesmaid dress after the 2004 Big Daddy Bowl, Jaimie Hand and the rest of the “Splendid Splinters” hope to finally be last in line to walk down the aisle this season. Despite a number of near misses 2005 may be the year after a good draft has them poised to take the final step to the altar. First up on the slate are Mike Dismukes and the “Sober Sloths”. The Sloth Monsters may have slipped a disk in their back recently, but are hoping their 2005 title chances won’t slip through the cracks as well when they entertain the Wooden Warriors this weekend. However, with Lee Suggs nursing an ankle sprain (Editor’s Note: The same Lee Suggs nursed a neck stinger so long last season as a member of the Wizards he had enough credits to get a nursing degree by the end of the year.) and Peerless Price getting released, Mukes will be forced to use the RICKA rule too early and too often to send the Tribe packin’ with a loss.

Wizard’s Winner…Wooden Warriors.

Blades vs. Wildcats

Although we’re still waiting for Lyle to show up for the 2005 BDFL Draft, he and the “Happy Hermits” were forced to rely on Frank Thomas Hand for their fortunes this year. The son of the Commish was forced to pull double duty by drafting for the Gamblers as well, but judging from the results the Great Wizardo thinks the Blades need to remain in hibernation during next year’s draft, too. On hand to test the Blades in Week One will be Jerry James and the rest of the “James Gang” who hope to steal a few more wins in 2005 after a tough rookie season. The Wizard likes a strong ground game and the Wildcats definitely have that, but he still thinks it will take a few weeks for the Cats to sharpen their claws enough to do any real damage.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Bootleggers vs. Woosiers

After taking the title in 2004, Tommy Todd found out that actually getting BDFL members to pay up was much tougher than winning the championship itself and required Tommy to dust off a few wrestling moves from his stellar prep days to get his just rewards. However, if impressions are anything, the Wiley One (that would be the Wizardo) sees tough times ahead for the “Doo Doosiers” after what appears to be a sub-par draft. On the other side of the coin, a midnight run to Knoxville with the weekly load kept the “Backwoods Bourbon Boys” from driving to Birmingham for the BDFL draft, but will very likely come out much the better for it by letting Jerry James’ son draft for him. Although he’s still not old enough to have seen his voice lower a single octave, the youngster proved his draft day moxie early and often by repeatedly refusing to take the Wizard’s suggestion to draft Irving Spikes, something the Wizard wishes he had done in his rookie year. By nights end the Bootleggers had strong line-up and hopes of making an impact in their third year in the league and the Wizard smells an upset here for the visitors.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Cheetahs vs. Grenades

Since founding the BDFL, Chris has since dubbed himself the “Master of the BDFL”, made a number of shady deals and last minute rule changes, realigned teams and added divisions on a routine basis, and even recently tried a change in venue, all in the hope of bringing home his first BDFL title. So far all of his attempts have been in vain and it appears that a weak draft may see the “Firecracker Kids” on the outside looking in again when the title is handed out later this year. However, the Grenades will get their first crack at proving the Great Wizardo wrong, as if that’s possible, when the “Riverchase Roadwhores” arrive for an afternoon delight. The Cheetahs have been rode hard and put up wet more often than most people change their underwear, but should have plenty of time to dry out before the final gun sounds on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wizards vs. Fighting Slovaks

While the “Cauldron Cookers” served up their finest potions last year, the rest of the BDFL seemed largely unimpressed and showed few side effects as the season reached its conclusion. Nevertheless, the Wizards drafted a team deep in running backs and, although a little light in the loafers in some other areas, still hope to climb atop the BDFL again on their backs. Standing in their way in Week One are the “Slovenly Slovaks” who landed in the BDFL last season after getting kicked out of every decent country in Europe over the last few centuries. The Slovaks are still using ill-gotten gains from their relatives from the great “Kick-Off Cash” scandal of the late 80’s that robbed Jaimie and the Wizard of $800 to finance their draft strategy and appear to have a team that will take them up a few notches in 2005, although that would be no great feat. Ultimately, the Great Wizardo sees too much power on the ground to prevent the Slovaks from stumbling out of the gate.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Gamblers vs. Bullets

After receiving a major promotion in recent months from GE, two-time champ Kenny Breal and the rest of the “Good Enough Gang” hope to parlay that into a third title in 2005. Following a strong league wide trend towards bringing in “prepubescent hired guns” on draft day, the Gamblers are seeking a return to the top, but will have to pay a Week One visit to Trey Pettimore Stadium to battle the “Benton Bureaucrats” if they have any intention of getting their season off on the right foot. Waiting for them will be the Bullets who when not dreaming up ways to soak the already embattled taxpayers of Alabama have managed to find the time to put together perhaps one their strongest teams since their heavily disputed “tainted” title of 1997. The Wizard says it should be enough to tangle up the visitors in red tape faster than the Gamblers can cut it.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Dogs vs. Juggernauts

Allison Edwards and the “Tokyo Roses” hope to finally bloom in 2005 after wilting badly their first few years in the BDFL while Mark Burr and his “Moneychangin’ Mutts” plan a Week One visit to Leeds to see if they have more bite than bark this season. The Dogs have a dangerous team that could even more menacing when Ricky Williams returns from his suspension in Week Five while the ‘Nauts have what could be a powerful air attack led by Marc Bulger and deep roster of QB’s. However, the Great Wizardo sees the Juggernaut air attack being grounded by the Dogs in Week One forcing Allison to retreat to lick her wounds.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Quote of the

Week

However, with Lee Suggs nursing an ankle sprain (Editor’s Note: The same Lee Suggs nursed a neck stinger so long last season as a member of the Wizards he had enough credits to get a nursing degree by the end of the year.) and Peerless Price getting released, Mukes will be forced to use the RICKA rule too early and too often to send the Tribe packin’ with a loss.

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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