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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 15

Mayors vs. Grenades

Chris Hand and the “Radio Free Europe Firecrackers” had their blowtorch station blasting at full strength during a good part of the year, but in recent weeks WEAK has struggled to even broadcast around the corner from their palatial digs in NashVegas. Bobbing to the top of the uber-competitive Gray Beard Division is now but a distant memory as the Grenades slipped below the “Bullet / Mendoza” line last week. Although their chances of bringing home a first untainted title for the Hand clan are gone, playing for pride and a scholarship next year is not. Their opponents this week, the Mayors, should provide the perfect opportunity for Chris to grab an easy win and pad his stats like he did in high school with all of the “stars” and “skull ‘n bones” stickers he used to put on his helmet for tackles, big plays, extra points, field goals, hitting a head coach in the jaw right after he had root canal, and busting through the sign alongside David Mann and Hugh Bell. The Great Wizardo sees little more than token resistance from the “Rainbow Coalition” on Sunday and predicts the Grenades will have their cake, eat it, take home the pot of gold, and have plenty of stickers to put to their helmets.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Power Sleds vs. Cheetahs

Butch Neal and his “Mattress Dancin’ Divas” have been rollin’ towards a division title in recent weeks and hope to officially punch their ticket to the BDFL Big Dance after fifteen grueling weeks of BDFL regular season play. However, the Cheetahs still have to hold off Jack Barnes and the “Dolomite Iditarod Mush Mutts” first before officially waltzing into the play-offs. The PowerSleds have been closing on the division leading Cheetahs and Grenades in leaps and bounds with Larry Johnson leading the pack, and figure one last push may be all they need to make it to the finish line first. Even if the Sleds don’t pass the Cheetahs, they can still slide into the play-offs if the Warriors beat the Wizards (but not by enough to win the GHD outright) and the Sleds have the next highest score, which they would in all likelihood. Although the Wizard is not sure if the Sleds should make room on their mantle for a division trophy just yet, he does think they should make room on their wall to hang another kind of trophy after visiting the local taxidermist with what’ll be left of the Cheetahs’ carcass.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Gamblers vs. Bootleggers

The “Wagin Cajuns” are locked in a bitter fight for Red Neck Division supremacy with the Bullets, and it is a fight that will not be fully decided until the end of the weekend. Kenny Breal and his Gamblers have to take care of business first rather than worry about the Bullets, which means taking down the “Banjo Pickin’ Pig Squealers” at Thunder Valley Sunday afternoon. Jon Woods’ “Pike County White Lightning” has packed about as much punch as a glass of Grandma’s lemonade, and the Great Wizardo sees little chance that the Gamblers will be able to put enough kick in it to forestall another defeat before the Gamblers arrive. When the last call for alcohol is made, it will be the Gamblers who’ll still be standing while the hometown Bootleggers will find themselves in the bathroom sellin’ Buicks.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Sloth Monsters vs. Slovaks

The “Papal Prince” finally brings to a close a regular season that has gone from bad to worse to inexplicable. Although the Slovaks had been given their last rites very early in the year (Editor’s Note: That would have been somewhere shortly after the draft, or perhaps even during it.), the plug on their regular season will be mercifully pulled for good after Sunday. Even if the Slovaks doubled their current point total, they would still find themselves trailing the Wildcats, Wizards, and Cheetahs plus they would have a host of other BDFL contenders breathing down their necks, which is a dubious feat indeed. Meanwhile, the “Holly Pond Tree Huggers” have faded from the championship picture, but can still position themselves for a higher playoff seed with a win on the road against the Slovaks. Taking candy from a baby is nothing to brag about, but it is considerably more difficult than going to Slovakia, rubbing the Slovaks nose in doo doo, and makin ‘em like it.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Wooden Warriors vs. Wizards

In one of the marquis match-ups of the week, the bitterest of rivals meet to decide who gets to take their marbles on to the Big Dance beginning in Week 16. Regardless of their title hopes, you can safely count on these two blood rivals swingin’ for the fences early and often when they collide at the Greystone Croquet & Lawn Tennis Club Sunday afternoon, and collide these two arch foes will most certainly do. Jaimie Hand and the “Wood Chuckers” had been spending much of the season pondering how much wood a woodchuck could chuck, assuming of course, a woodchuck could chuck wood after racing to a huge lead in the early stages of the season. The Warriors were also reporting easy bowel movements as well through a good part of the year, but injuries, some tough losses, and the persistent Wizards have caused the Tribe to require castor oil, ten penny nails, and an ample supply of Ex-Lax when heading to the john in recent weeks. Meanwhile, the “Oz-Men” have kept to the center of the yellow brick road and slowly but surely crept up on the Warriors and are now poised to snatch away their rival’s bid for a 3^rd straight division title. Ultimately, the Wooden Warriors won’t get no kissin’ from their Choctaw maid and will find themselves heading back down that all too familiar Trail of Tears.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Woosiers vs. Bullets

It was only a year ago that Tommy Todd was putting the finishing touches on a remarkable championship run, but oh what a difference a year makes. 2005 has seen the “West Blount Bozos” stagger all season, beginning with the draft, leading Tommy to thank the good Lord for the Slovaks. Nevertheless, the Woosiers would like to leave their fingerprints on a season gone awry by bagging the Red Neck Division leading Bullets and their championship (non-tainted to be precise) dreams. However, when the Wizard was once shown the devastating effects of a sawed off shot gun that was said to scatter the fingerprints of its victim, he displayed his pistol and was heard to quote “This is the .44 Magnum, Auto-Mag, and when properly used it will remove the fingerprints”, and the Glorious One does not see the Woosiers packing nearly enough heat to exchange shots at ten paces with the Bullets, and seriously doubts the “Woo Crew” has enough heat to even toast some bread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Dogs vs. Blades

The “North Shelby Shank Shysters” are playing for pride and possibly a better seed come tourney time next weekend, and should have a more than realistic chance of improving both at the expense of Mark Burr and the “Caged Canines” this weekend. The Dogs have had far more bark than bite this year, and, come to think of it, they haven’t even had much a bark either. The Blades can be particularly dangerous at this point in the season because without any open dates to cramp their hands-off management style, (Editor’s Note: The Wizardo personally thinks we would have a better chance of finding Jimmy Hoffa than Lyle.) they can rely strictly on talent to carry the day. Carson Palmer has blossomed into one of the top point men in the BDFL this season and should provide Lyle with more than enough air power to drop the Dogs dead in their tracks.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Wildcats vs. Juggernauts

A game that appeared to be for all the marbles only a few weeks ago has turned into little more than a tune-up for Jerry and his “Saber Fanged Felines” when they pay a visit to Allyson Edwards and her “Jury Judgin’ Jugheads” this weekend. The Wildcats and their “Just Say No” tour have been on cruise control for some time now and Jerry has no plans to come out of the throttle when the ‘Nauts come callin’ Sunday. Meanwhile, the Juggernauts have found there’s a big difference between being a contender and a pretender in the BDFL and that the BDFL deals very harshly with the latter. In case that lesson was one not well heeded by Allyson, she will get a chance to take a make-up test on Sunday when the Wildcats come to town. Despite knowing the answers beforehand, the Wizard says it’s highly unlikely to help the Juggernauts very much since the questions will be different.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Quote of the

Week

"...the “Wood Chuckers” had been spending much of the season pondering how much wood a woodchuck could chuck, assuming of course, a woodchuck could chuck wood after racing to a huge lead in the early stages of the season. The Warriors were also reporting easy bowel movements as well through a good part of the year, but injuries, some tough losses, and the persistent Wizards have caused the Tribe to require castor oil, ten penny nails, and an ample supply of Ex-Lax when heading to the john in recent weeks."
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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