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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 6

Juggernauts vs. Wooden Warriors

Jaimie Hand and his “Black Crick Chit Chuckers” are used to the less than pleasant smell of raw sewage which is a good thing because after having their noses rubbed in doo-doo for virtually the entire first five weeks of the season…and then made to like it, they definitely need to be very familiar with the odor. Speaking of stenches, the “Dreadful Nauts” have resumed their rightful place as the official court jesters for the BDFL (they’re applying for official league recognition) with their only function seemingly being to amuse the rest of the league, something they are accomplishing with incredible ease. Fellow BDFL members have traditionally treaded lightly and kept a tight grip on their scalps when entering the reservation, but this year it appears the Warrior tomahawks don’t have their usual edge but should be sharp enough to take what little hide off the Nauts the rest of the BDFL hasn’t already procured.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Blades vs. Sloth Monsters

Lyle Arrington’s “Pelham Pencil Pushers” have been riding roughshod over the balance of the BDFL in recent weeks and have every intention of continuing their recent string of dominant performances when they meet the Green Horn Division’s “Spooks ‘n Kooks” at Snitz Snider Stadium (Wizard’s Note: Despite being annexed from Bessemer into Helena, the Sloth Monsters agreed to play two home games this year in Bessemer to help grease the skids for the annexation and as a way to help ease the loss of tax revenue from Sloth Monster gate receipts and merchandise sales.) in a clash of division leaders. Both teams look primed to makes a run at the title, but in the end it will be Blades that open a big can of white-out and erase any dreams the Sloth Monsters had of holding serve at home.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Wizards vs. Dogs

It’s a good thing that Merlin’s minions are “deaf, dumb, and blind kids” because their performance last week, despite a victory, was a truly pathetic site to behold and it is hard to imagine this weekend will be much better when the Wizards roll into Brookside to battle Mark Burr’s “Moneychangin’ Mutts” at Five Mile Crick Ballpark. With their top QB out indefinitely, Shaun Alexander putting up career lows in touchdowns and yards gained (although Alexander has set a career mark for number of bones broken), and T.O. nursing a broken hand and a bruised ego, the wheels are beginning to wobble more each week and may finally come off for good by Sunday evening. Nevertheless, look for the Wizards to win in an utterly forgettable contest, even if they’re ridin’ on rims.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Woosiers vs. Grenades

Getting an A.W. was painful enough last Sunday because the carnage happened in front of his hometown fans, but insult was added to injury for Chris Hand and his “Big Balled Banana Eaters” due to middle brother Bullet being the one to administer it. Nevertheless, the Grenades will have to shake off the beating long enough to repair their shattered defenses for Tommy Todd’s “Blount County Coneheads” imminent invasion this weekend. Fortunately for Tommy he will not have to play down to the competition since both teams are toiling in the basement of the BDFL overall standings and may already just be making laps for the sponsors a mere five weeks into the season. Since neither team has the roster to accomplish anything remotely resembling a turnaround, the winner of this one will get some short-lived comfort for his battered ego before getting tied to the whippin’ post again in Week 7. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Mayors vs. Gamblers

With mid-term elections heating up across the country, Alan Arrington and the “Carpetbagger Kings” hit the campaign trail this weekend to bolster their sagging poll ratings where the main stop will be down on the Bayou to rustle up some badly needed votes amongst the “Cajun Card Sharks.” Both teams have underperformed so far in 2006 and have only been consistent at being consistently bad although the Gamblers have greased the palms of the schedule makers enough to post three wins, this in spite of resting comfortably on the bottom of the Red Neck Division. Although the Mayors normally have been reduced to ending their nightly prayers thanking the Good Lord for both Mississippi and the Grenades, it hasn’t stopped them from pitching a perfect shut-out so far in the win column. Unfortunately for Alan the Mayors aren’t in the now defunct baseball fantasy league Bullet schlepped together a few years ago so shut outs are about as useless as teats on boar hog. With a season that may already be doomed because of the “Bullet” rule, the Mayors’ only hope is to play the role of a spoiler, and unfortunately for Kenny the Mayors will spoil more than his mama’s Sunday dinner pot roast by the time the plates are cleared from the table.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors

Cheetahs vs. Bullets

Butch Neal and the Cheetahs have come a long way since the days when they were little more than a tax write-off, as their two titles in recent years have indicated. Comfortably leading the always fearsome Gray Beard Division after five weeks seems to indicate the “Van Rockin’ Road Whores” are hardly content with their recent string of success and have a chance to make yet another statement when they arrive at Trey Pettimore Stadium to try and quiet the “Rebel Yellin’ Yokels” in the five star BDFL match-up of the week. Two trips to Nam and huddlin’ with Charlie taught the Bullets a thing or two about defending their home turf, but it will take more than smoke ‘n mirror tricks or the reincarnation of Barry Harrison to stop the Cheetahs come Sunday. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Bootleggers vs. Power Sleds

Jon Wood and his “Coonskin Scalawags” have been on the run from the local Revenuers, but have found it much more difficult to shake the Feds than in recent years after his big, black Dodge lost a cylinder last week that may land the Bootleggers in the big house if they don’t get the hood down soon. Meanwhile, Jack and his Power Sleds have been nimble and quick through five weeks, but need another strong showing if they plan to keep pace with the Cheetahs. 2006 has seen the reemergence of the once dynastic Sleds who hope to start spitting out BDFL titles again at a pace similar to that of him and wife Lisa who have been pumping out kids the past couple of years like a pez dispenser. Don’t expect the Bootleggers to act as little more than a speed bump for the Sleds this Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wildcats

Oh how the mighty hath fallen. Make that the mighty mouths. As recently as last week the “Helena Hip Hop Impresarios” were pumping out poetic raps with great regularity but appear to be stuck in a Lodi again after making a jarring crash back into reality in Week 5. Meanwhile, Jerry James and his Wildcats have looked more like “Jungle Bunnies” so far this season and will need to have all their claws on deck if they harbor any hopes of taking the Slovaks down another peg. However, when the dust settles it will be the Wildcats covering the spread leaving the Slovaks to nurse their wounds in addition to their pride.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"2006 has seen the reemergence of the once dynastic Sleds who hope to start spitting out BDFL titles again at a pace similar to that of him and wife Lisa who have been pumping out kids the past couple of years like a pez dispenser"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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