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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Wildcats vs. Wizards

After what could be best described as, shall we say, an abysmal effort in Week One, the rumor that the “Arts & Croissant” crowd chugged some Milk of Magnesia before the opener is probably more fact than fiction because that is about as crappy a performance as has ever been forced upon the rest of the league. Nevertheless, the Wizards will try to regroup (though not in Prattville) in time to entertain Jerry James and the “Paper Tiger Polecats” on Sunday afternoon. The Wildcats were less than impressive in their opener as well, but hope to find a victory against the Wiz as easy as taking candy from a baby. Although the Wildcats are vastly improved on paper, they’ll find an angry pinball wizard (like the one on Bill Gauldin’s tee shirt when he was in the 8^th grade) when they arrive and the Wizard will have plenty of left hooks and bubblegum for Jerry, but no candy.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards will cover and win straight up.

Grenades vs. Bootleggers

The self-professed “King of the BDFL” resides in the Gray Beard Division of the BDFL, which is a perfect fit for his “Banana-eaters” because their team is long enough in the tooth to more closely resemble a saber-toothed tiger, although in dental work only, than anything else. Meanwhile the “Bristol Booze Brothers” got off to a lightning start, a white lightning start to be more exact, the first week of the season with intentions of pouring on the steam in Week Two. They’ll get a chance to stake their claim as an early BDFL crown contender with a win over the Grenades this weekend. Ultimately, the Grenades’ pig squealing pig will be heard clear back to his posh digs in upscale Brentwood, TN by days end.   

Wizard’s Winner…Bootleggers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Blades

Jaimie Hand and the “Bridesmaid Braves” began defense of their 2004 runner-up title in fine fashion last Sunday with a sterling performance in their opener. A “three-peat” is definitely in the cards for the Warriors (they were also the runner-ups in 2003) this season as they travel to Pelham to battle Lyle and the “North Shelby Chopper Association” in Week Two. A classic line from the epic movie The Warriors seems to best describe the Woodskins’ performance over the last two seasons relatively well:

Leader of the street gang at the end of the movie: “You Warriors are good.”

Warriors’ Leader: “We’re the best.”

It would have been even more appropriate if the Warrior’s leader had said, “We’re the next-best.” Besides, the other street gang could have wiped Coney Island with the Warriors. But I digress. ELVO likes the Warriors and so does the Wiz, but not as much as ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Sloth Monsters vs. Juggernauts

After administering a Week One beating to the Dogs, Allyson Edwards and the “Bra Burners” think they’ve finally put together the right formula to shatter the “glass ceiling” and join the BDFL’s “Good Ol’ Boys” club. Meanwhile, the “Transylvanian Twisters” were a victim of the schedule maker in their opener. Despite a more than respectable performance the Sloths were steamrolled by the Tribe, but Week Two gives Mike and the gang a chance to post a “W” when they pay their respects to Allyson in Leeds Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately for Mukes, Allyson will be playing judge, jury, and executioner and the Sloths’ chances of winning will be dangling on the business end of a long rope. One with a noose.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Dogs vs. Fighting Slovaks

During Week One Mark Burr and the “Brookside Tirebiters” learned the hard way to never get in between a firm of “Legal Eagles” (Allyson’s Nauts) and an ambulance, especially one speeding towards a hospital with sirens blaring, but the Dogs hope to shake off that beating by taking a bite out of Adam Slovensky and the “Forgettable SlugVaks” in Week Two. Although the Slovaks are one and oh on the year, they managed to get that win at the expense of, as one league member put it, “setting the BDFL back ten years.” The Great Wizardo thinks that may be a conservative estimate. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Power Sleds vs. Woosiers

In what he hopes will not be a return to his first two years of futility, Tommy Todd and the “Love Guns” staggered out of the gate as they began defense of their 2004 BDFL title. Without Priest Holmes kneeling at the altar this year, there is no divine guidance to help Tommy navigate the roiling seas of the BDFL. With the Woosiers at home to entertain “Mad” Jack Barnes and the “Midnight Train to Memphis”, the rest of the league should have a good feel for how strong a defense of his hard earned title Tommy will be able to make when the dust settles late Sunday evening. The Great Wizardo’s advice to Tommy for future BDFL success would be to…make sure you go hunting during next year’s draft.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Bullets vs. Mayors

The only thing you’ll be guaranteed to see in large supply this weekend at Lawson Field will be beaucoup rolls of red tape when Alan Arrignton’s “City Hall Slickers” battle Bullet’s “State Gubament Bureaucrats” to see who can filibuster the most without doing anything well except soaking the overburdened taxpayers of Alabama. The only piece of legislation sure to be passed at this all-you-can-eat-pork-barrel feast will be to kneel at the altar of Paul Hubbert and give each other a raise and the Wizard hears through his many sources that the Jefferson County Treasurer will be personally introducing this particular bill for a raise. In the end, however, the Mayors will find themselves vetoed by the visitors.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Gamblers vs. Cheetahs

The Great Wizardo, being his usual magnanimous self, would like to extend his sympathies to Kenny Breal and the rest of the Gamblers as they deal with some real life events that are truly tragic. The BDFL takes care of its own and needs to lend a hand by donating all entry fees and anything else you care to give to try and help in whatever way we can. Now, on with the countdown…

Although water-logged and a little worse for the wear after a date with Katrina prior to Week One, the “Cajun Card Sharks” still have more than few cards up their sleeves for when they visit the “Cathouse” on Sunday to play the prosperous “Cheaters” in Texas Hold’em. Despite being forced to sit by Jerry James for a second consecutive year on draft night (Butch must have really ticked off the Iron Hand is the only explanation the Wizard can think of), the Cheetahs drafted a team that should contend for the title this year, and the Wizard sees little chance that the Gamblers can bluff their way through this one. If the Gamblers thought Katrina was a real b!#%*, they must have never met some of Butch’s buxom bimbos.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Quote of the

Week

"The only thing you’ll be guaranteed to see in large supply this weekend at Lawson Field will be beaucoup rolls of red tape when Alan Arrignton’s “City Hall Slickers” battle Bullet’s “State Gubament Bureaucrats” to see who can filibuster the most without doing anything well except soaking the overburdened taxpayers of Alabama. The only piece of legislation sure to be passed at this all-you-can-eat-pork-barrel feast will be to kneel at the altar of Paul Hubbert and give each other a raise and the Wizard hears through his many sources that the Jefferson County Treasurer will be personally introducing this particular bill for a raise"

Wizard’s Winner…the B

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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