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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 12

Grenades vs. Bootleggers

This week’s match up between the only two franchises located in Tennessee has left the Great Wizardo in something of a quandary. If the trees in Alabama lean to the north because Tennessee sucks, which way do the trees in Tennessee lean, especially when two teams like the Grenades and the Bootleggers, who are suffering through equally horrid seasons, meet within state lines? Suffice it to say, these two teams are so bad they could both suck a golf ball through a garden hose with equal aplomb yet BDFL pride should play a role in determining the winner, or if either team even decides to show up. The “Uber Goobers” have been getting ground up by the opposition with alarming regularity while the “Boot Scootin’ Bathtub Brandy Boys“ have fared no better through eleven weeks. Deciphering a winner in this travesty of a game is akin to kissing your sister but the Great Wizardo thinks it will be the Bootleggers who end up on top in an utterly forgettable game.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Blades

Let’s see if the Great Wizardo has this straight. Jaimie Hand and the “Pulp Wood Patsies” have made a cottage industry out of taking what appeared to be a straight shot at a BDFL title only to invent ways to fold like a cheap tent down the homestretch. Bookies have even created their own niche by taking bets on when the Wooden Warriors fold will begin in earnest. The Wooden Warriors have even had a very similar experience in the NASCAR Fantasy League’s Godzilla Racing Series (voted most outstanding “Fantasy League” by the sportswriters and the BCS) where they have managed to blow huge leads at the eleventh hour. All that aside, every year the only thing as certain as death, taxes, and a Wooden Warrior fade is Chief Chunk’em Deep’s claim that he is “dominating” his other league, which begs the following questions: 1) Who is actually in this league and are they old enough or of sound enough mind to vote? 2) Does the league even exist or is Jaimie hallucinating like Russell Crowe’s character in “A Beautiful Mind?”  3) Is this league made up the same teams from Jack’s “Friday night Green Springs league” where he always seemed to hit .900 with multiple homer games falling out of the sky like rain? Regardless, the Woodskins travel to North Shelby County to play the “Chop Cops” in a game with big implications for Lyle and his Blades. Desperately needing a win and some points to try and keep his play off hopes alive, Lyle will probably find a victory but will most likely not find enough points to help his cause.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.…the Blades.

Wildcats vs. Wizards

Merlin can thank the BDFL quasi-management for not having anything beyond an “A.W.” after the pounding they took at the hands of the Mayors last Sunday. With their tails tucked firmly between their legs the “Lollipop Guild” limped back to the Sunshine State to ready themselves for Jerry James and his “Cat-a-nine-tails” who are on about their eighth life at this point in the season. Despite the return of Alexander the Great, the Wizards may want to rename him “Hagar the Horrible” after Shaun led the charge of goose eggs turned in by the “Potion Pushers” last weekend. Nevertheless, the Wildcats will find that when they visit a town chock full of strip clubs, thongs, and breast implants, the home team is hardly intimidated when surrounded by pussy…cats that is, which should make for a long ride home.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Sloth Monsters vs. Juggernauts

In spite of posting a respectable score and easily maintaining their spot atop the rickety Yellow Hammer Division, Alyson Edwards and the “Dixie Chicks” found out they were no match for the yella’ haired fat fellas, a girl named Linda Lou, and a place called the Jug last weekend when the Bullets went through the Juggernauts like a dose of sauce through a widow woman. The Great Wizardo says that it would be appropriate for Alyson to officially sound the alarm, flush the bombers, and hit the panic button because they have now been pushed to the brink of elimination with no more wiggle room left if they hope to qualify for the playoffs. Meanwhile, the “Suck Monsters” have been struggling of late and will sit down for Thanksgiving dinner in first place in the Green Horn Division, but with less then a peaceful easy feeling about the recent turn of events. Fortunately for Alyson, she will only need to make dressing, cranberry sauce, and some pumpkin pie because the Sloth Monsters will be playing the role of the turkey.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Bullets vs. Mayors

Despite coming off a very impressive drubbing of the Wizards in Week 11, it was all for show and none for dough for the “City Hall Hooligans” since being officially eliminated from play off contention several weeks ago. Nevertheless, playing the role of the spoiler is still a possibility for the Mayors although they may have to take time off from their whining and complaining to audition for the part. Assuming the Mayors stop whining long enough to play on Sunday, another victory in a season starved for them will have to come at the expense of the scorching hot Bullets who reeled off a near record setting point total in their rout of the Juggernauts in Week 11. Eager to remove the tarnish from a tainted title, the “Selma Six Shooters” have stocked up on plenty of silver polish in hopes of shining brightly as the playoffs approach. Fortunately for Bullet, he’ll be able to save some polish for the stretch run because the Mayors should find themselves in his gun sites early and often.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Dogs vs. Fighting Slovaks

Despite having an “A.W.” pasted on them by the lowly Grenades, A-Slov and his “Helena Hip Hop Impresarios” still have a more than realistic chance to get into the playoffs but it will require sweeping the final three games of the season to do so. Fortunately for Adam, Mark “Bird Dog” Burr’s “Quack Attack” is next on the schedule and should give the Slovaks a chance to pad a record that is badly in need of a victory. The Dogs have long since begun to look towards next year and will likely offer only token resistance when A-Slov and his crew hit the stage Sunday afternoon to throw down a few rhymes. With little bark and even less bite, the Dogs can expect to get boned again on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Power Sleds vs. Woosiers

“Mad Jack” Barnes has been all smiles of late and with good reason. His PowerSleds have been racking up victories and rolling up points in fine fashion all season and appear poised to take a record third BDFL title although it would be his first in the modern era. The “Sled Slayers” have been “mushing” their way to the front of the BDFL pecking order behind lead dog LaDainian Tomlinson who has been punching out touchdowns this season faster then Jack and Lisa can spit out kids. Nevertheless, the Sleds are looking too much like a one-man gang and need the mercurial Michael Vick to make an appearance again after disappearing for the last three weeks. In the end it won’t matter because Woo’s “Tommy Guns” will mow down the Sleds and stop their quest for a BDFL title, if only for a week.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Gamblers vs. Cheetahs

The Great Wizardo says there’s more silicon in Butch Neal’s “Cat House Harlots” then in Silicon Valley, CA. Having less of their original parts than the “Bionic Woman” may help explain the Cheetahs’ dominance over the last several years. Nevertheless, with the PowerSleds putting it in overdrive the Cats can ill afford to ease up down the stretch if they have any intentions of defending their hard won BDFL title. Meanwhile, Kenny Breal and his “Voo Doo Vice Lords” will pay the Cheetahs a visit with hopes of sampling the local flavor. With these two clashing on Sunday afternoon Riverchase will become “Sin City” for a day requiring the Gubna’ to have the National Guard on stand by to deploy at a moments notice. Unfortunately for Kenny, the Miami defense will not ride in to save the day two weeks in a row and the National Guard won’t be much help either.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"...the “Dixie Chicks” found out they were no match for the yella’ haired fat fellas, a girl named Linda Lou, and a place called the Jug last weekend when the Bullets went through the Juggernauts like a dose of sauce through a widow woman"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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