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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 11

Wildcats vs. Bootleggers

If the Tennessee Valley Authority could bottle and sell whiskey, the “Rot Gut Rednecks” would have a mighty toasty and economical hibernation this winter because, unfortunately for the Bootleggers, the smell of burning whiskey has permeated the air as of late in Bristol as Jon’s division title hopes continue to go up in flames. Even worse, they aren’t likely to improve much when the “James’ Gang” rides into town Sunday afternoon. Jerry James has been riding the “LT Train” all season to the front of the Yellow Hammer Division, and the WildCats see no reason to fix something that ain’t broken while the Bootleggers keep trying to break something that was never fixed in the first place. As a little friendly advice from the Wizard at no additional charge to any partakers, if the folks in Knoxville are waitin’ around for their weekly load of “Misty Mountain Moonshine” to be delivered by the Bootleggers, they might want to consider finding another source.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Grenades vs. Sloth Monsters

Chris Hand and the “Nantucket Nadsmen” have been grinning from ear-to-ear in recent weeks and with good reason. After playing catch-up the first half of the year, the Grenades have turned the screws up on their armored air cavalry to battle speed the last few weeks and promptly rumbled to the front of the division. However, Chris will have to continue scrambling the bombers to stay at or near the top beginning this weekend when the Grenades pay a visit to Mike Dismukes and the “Hoblin’ Goblins” at their palatial Silver Lakes digs. The visitor’s plan to crater the Sloth Monsters, and any thoughts they may have had of slowing the Grenade’s advance, have been laid out well in advance of the Grenade’s lead elements arriving in Silver Lakes. The Wizard sees very little chance the Sloths’ anti-aircraft defenses will be able to throw up a big enough curtain of steel to slow the Grenades and believes they can call it a moral victory if they keep Chris’ advance at a slightly slower pace than a dose of a sauce going through a widow woman.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Wizards vs. Cheetahs

The schedule maker has been cruel to Merlin and his “Wand Wavin’ Warlocks” this season by relegating an impressive point total to little more than a conversation piece due to a poor won-loss record thereby emphasizing that to claim a BDFL crown (or at least one that is untarnished) you have to do more than post points. A lesson the Wizards have learned the hard way. On the other side of the coin, Butch Neal and the “Mattress Dancin’ Mavens” have designs on a second title with a point total that has them among the BDFL elite, but also one that has them scrapping with the Grenades just to qualify for the play offs. The GBD had been a four-way battle for much of the year but the pretenders have been separated from the contenders in recent weeks leaving these two to slug it out for a berth in the Final Four. Although the Cheetahs still need to collect victories like they do dollar bills at Sammy’s, they also need to ring up strong point totals to keep up with the surging “Ironmen”. Points they may rack up against the Wizards, but covering the spread they will not do.  

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Woosiers vs. Juggernauts

Although Tommy Todd may have experienced much success defending his state titles as a high school grappler (all you really needed was a good lobotomy and some tights) and in corrupting as many young females as possible in high school and on through college, “Dr. Love” and the “Love Guns” have failed to parlay that success into defending their hard earned BDFL title of 2004. By comparison, the Wizard doesn’t even think the Hindenburg went down in flames quite as spectacularly as the Woosiers have this season. Nevertheless, the Woosiers are required to play out the year and continue making laps for their sponsors at the very least, which includes visiting Allyson Edwards and the “Bra Burners” for a Weak 11 match-up. Despite chasing the top of the Yellow Hammer Division most of the year like it was an ambulance full of car accident victims, the “Legal Eagles” have begun a steady descent through the rankings that may not be over yet. Although a division title may be slipping away, a best ever finish for Allyson is certainly not, but the Wizard says it won’t matter much because the ‘Nauts will not be able to hold serve come Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Mayors

In between propping his feet up as the newly anointed Grand Pooba at Children’s Hospital in Birmingham and leading the Fultondale Junior Varsity Girls’ Volleyball team onto the court (he gets to bust through the sign, wave his towel like M.L. Carr, and keep score), Jaimie Hand has little else to do this season while tying to capture a third straight Green Horn Division, at least until now. Since leaving St. Vincent’s Hospital for Children’s, the Pope has begun excommunication proceedings and forced St. Elizabeth’s to cut Jaimie’s share of the Sunday morning collection plate considerably. Even worse, Priest Holmes has been sidelined for the remainder of the year causing Jaimie’s division and BDFL title hopes to be last seen swirling around a toilet bowl although a Week 10 rampage did brighten things considerably. Despite his troubles, Jaimie and the Wooden Warriors travel to Fair Park to play Alan Arrington and the “Rainbow Coalition” in a game they desperately need to win. Alan and the Mayors only shot at a Final Four appearance may lie in getting the Green Horn Division’s play off berth since currently none of the four teams in the division are over .500, and this weekend is the perfect chance for them to take a big step in the right direction. And it may be the Mayors last one.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Dogs vs. Gamblers

Mark Burr and his “Flock of Seagulls” are flying south for the winter but will stop off on their way to visit Kenny Breal and the Red Neck Division leading Gamblers with ideas of splattering Kenny’s car windshield with signs of their affection before wintering in the Caribbean. The “Cajun Card Sharks” continue to pace the RND, but can’t afford to overlook the Dogs in their haste to find room in their trophy case for a third BDFL title. With Favre starting to look his age and injuries mounting faster than a Louisiana politician’s indictments, the Gambler’s quest for that third unprecedented title may be ready to fold like a cheap tent and the Great Wizardo figures the Dogs will be ready to call any bluffs the Gamblers make before the dealin’ done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Power Sleds vs. Fighting Slovaks

The Wizardo, in all his self-proclaimed greatness knows better than to ever side with Adam Slovensky and the Fighting Slovaks, no matter the line. Yet much to his disdain, the Wizard held his nose and picked the “Slugs” to at least cover last week against the Cheetahs thinking that even the Slovaks could find a way to cover such a generous line. Thinking may have been the Wizard’s first mistake, but favoring the Slovaks made this a recipe for disaster. True to form, the “SlowVaks” reverted to their eastern European, communist ways and tanked royally. Nevertheless, in the time honored “a dog returning to his own vomit” mode, the Wizard once again finds himself lured to the brink of destruction by yet another inviting line from ELVO knowing that to pick the Slovaks again is sheer suicide leading the Wiz to think this is what a moth must feel like when it starts moving inexplicably towards a flame. With his confession complete…

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Bullets vs. Blades

The “Wacky Weed Whittlers” continue to largely struggle this season proving the theory that although winning a BDFL title may require not attending the draft before the season on purpose (type in keywords “Woosiers’ 2004 BDFL Strategy”), it does require occasional attendance during the season. After being cited for a lack of competitiveness in 2004, the Blades find themselves in the same boat again in 2005, and one that is taking on water fast. Into this wreckage wade Bullet and his band of “Saturday Night Specials” who are always present at the draft and remain heavily involved throughout the season proving the Wizardo’s other theory that involvement is not necessarily the key to a title either, at least not an untainted one. However, the Bullets are very much in contention to punch their ticket to the Big Dance and the Wizard sees no chance this weekend will turn those chances back into a pumpkin.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Quote of the

Week

"Nevertheless, in the time honored “a dog returning to his own vomit” mode, the Wizard once again finds himself lured to the brink of destruction by yet another inviting line from ELVO knowing that to pick the Slovaks again is sheer suicide leading the Wiz to think this is what a moth must feel like when it starts moving inexplicably towards a flame"
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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