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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 6

Wooden Warriors vs. Woosiers

Jaimie Hand’s vaunted “Injun’ Engine” sputtered and shuddered too much last weekend to bring home a victory, but rest assured the Woodskins will spend most of the week under the hood to repair what went wrong. Fortunately for the Tribe, rolling their tomahawks out on the field and little else should be enough to scalp the visiting “Loosiers”. So far this year the only smoke rising over the Woosiers has been the carnage of their woeful championship defense, which ranks among the all time most inept defenses in fantasy league history. In fact, since the head Woosier was not even at the draft during his title run, the Great Wizardo is calling for his title to be labeled as tainted putting him in good company with the Bullets. Regardless, expect this smoking wreck to stay in the ditch another week.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Bullets

Jerome Hand and his “Sand Poundin’ Pistols” do not like to be reminded of their Slovensky heritage and have gone as far as moving to Benton, AL to avoid the taint the family tree has given them although, evidently, not far enough to keep his lone BDFL title from being tainted. Nevertheless, the Bullets will be forced to acknowledge their Slovensky blood line this weekend when Cousin Adam and the “Fainting Slovaks” arrive at Trey Pettimore Stadium for a family reunion. Ultimately, however, the only blood shed will be that of the Slovaks along with a few tears.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Wizards vs. Gamblers

The “Oz Men’s Lollipop Guild” have lived up to their name so far this year after having been licked by the competition with alarming ease through the first five weeks of the season while the “Biloxi Bluesmen” have been in perfect harmony for most of the year as they sit atop the Red Neck Division. It has been a tough season off the field for the Gamblers, but they have managed to push their troubles to the side long enough to put themselves in prime position to win an unprecedented third, untainted title. On paper this looks like a walk over, but the schedule maker was kind to the Wiz by decimating the Gambler’s roster with an untimely bye week that leaves the cubbard bare, which should be enough for the Wizards to at least cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Juggernauts vs. Cheetahs

The “Leeds Ambulance Chasers” have been nothing short of spectacular this season as Allyson Edwards has her team in contention for the first in their BDFL existence with a team that may have the staying power to be in the thick of the title hunt deep into December. Meanwhile, the “Sin Wagon” has been rockin’ along at the top of the Gray Beard Division although the margin for error to stay in front of the pack is nil. Nevertheless, if the Juggernauts have any plans of leaving the Riverchase Cat House with more than a few scratches, they had better have a full compliment of vaccinations prior their arrival although the Wizardo says the Nauts will likely hit Highway 119 with little more to their credit than a bad case of “Cat Scratch Fever”.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Blades vs. Grenades

Chris Hand and the “Johnny Cockstuds” have been living in the good life in Nashville since relocating the franchise in yet another desperate attempt to capture their first BDFL title, and have themselves tucked in very near the top of the hotly contested Gray Beard Division with plans of staying on track when the “North Shelby County Clod Hoppers” cross the state line Sunday afternoon. The Grenades will be ready and waiting at the Father Ryan Catholic High School softball fields for the Blades arrival and will no doubt will be decked out in their fire engine red, two sizes too small polyester coaching shorts with their wife-beater tee shirts (Wizard’s Note: Chris will probably have the Grenades wearing their “Heartbeat of America” wife-beaters on Sunday.) proudly on display. In the end expect the Grenades to give more then they get and keep their dreams of an elusive title alive for at least another week.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Sloth Monsters vs. Bootleggers

Jon Wood and his “Kissin’ Cousins” (Wizard’s Note: As noted before, the Bootleggers don’t marry virgins because they figure if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for theirs.) will have the local stills at full blast well in advance of the Sloth Monsters arrival this weekend with every intention of having the local yokels all liquored up by game time. The Bootleggers have spent most of the last week dislodging the boot they had broken off in their rear end last week and would like nothing better than to return the favor on the visiting “Freaknics”. However, the best the Bootleggers can hope for is to get a kiss for their troubles after getting screwed.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.  

Dogs vs. Power Sleds

Mark Burr and the “Brookside Tirebiters” would be battling for position in any other division but find themselves on the outside looking in as fellow Yellow Hammer Division comrades the Wildcats and Juggernauts have raced out to a sizeable lead through five weeks of the season. Nevertheless, the Dogs still have plenty to play for when they pay a visit to the Dolodome Sunday afternoon. The season is still young and BDFL fortunes can change on a dime. However, if the Dogs want to keep their title chances even remotely intact, they need to sink their fangs into the “Tread Locks” early and often this weekend. Meanwhile, the Sleds have been derailed in recent weeks and are in desperate need of getting back on track quickly before the rest of the Gray Beard Division hobbles away. Unfortunately for Jack, the slide into oblivion will continue.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Mayors vs. Wildcats

Jerry James’ “Just Say No Tour” is selling out everywhere it goes so far this season as the Wildcats have shot out to a league best 168 points. Nevertheless, the team with the 3rd best point total is his division rival the Juggernauts, so the Wildcats have barely had the time to enjoy their accomplishments thus far. Next in line for the Cats are Alan Arrington and the “Rainbow Coalition” who have found a pot of poop instead of gold at the end of their rainbow the past couple of weeks and are in danger fading from the race if they are not able to turn things around soon. Unfortunately for Alan, the Wildcats are not the best team to use as fodder to regain lost confidence and he will see his Mayors continue their slide in the polls for at least another week.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Quote of the

Week

"The Grenades will be ready and waiting at the Father Ryan Catholic High School softball fields for the Blades arrival and will no doubt will be decked out in their fire engine red, two sizes too small polyester coaching shorts with their wife-beater tee shirts (Wizard’s Note: Chris will probably have the Grenades wearing their “Heartbeat of America” wife-beaters on Sunday."

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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