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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 13

Bullets vs. Gamblers

In what could be easily billed as the marquis match-up of the week, Jerome Hand and the “Copperhead Road Coalition” will be rollin’ down Highway 41 in their Greyhound Bus to take on Kenny Breal and his “Bayou Certified ‘B’ Class Ballplayers” (Wizard’s Note: They have papers to prove it.) in a Red Neck Division showdown with huge playoff implications. Both teams are tightly bunched at the top of their division and Sunday figures to go a long way in determining who gets their ticket punched to the Big Dance while the loser may well get punched out. The Gamblers have been pumpin’ themselves at the gym most of the year and the results are easy to see as an unprecedented 3^rd BDFL title is now within sight. However, Kenny had better break out the Tahiti blue dots come Sunday afternoon and zap ‘em in his microwave before game time because Bullet has plans to send Greg “the Crusha” Brown to the hill (Wizard’s Note: Bullet will have to stop at Atmore State Prison to pick up “the Crusha”) in hopes of Brown recapturing some of his lost glory, or at the very least spew a stream if invectives that would make a sailor blush. Nevertheless, expect both teams to come out swinging for the fences, but by the time “the Crusha’ “ is back safely in his cell the Bullets will have proved that a team whose closest brush with “six pack abs” was buying six packs of beer from Mike’s Handy Food Mart can still see the cream rise to the top, along with some barley and hops.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Grenades vs. Cheetahs

In another game with heavy play-off implications and one that should share top billing with the Bullets and Gamblers, Chris Hand’s “Iron Men” will pull on their heavy boots of lead in hopes of filling their victims full of dread come Sunday afternoon, but shouldn’t expect to see the “Cheaters” bat little more than their long eyelashes when they arrive. The Grenades are still in the thick of the title fight, but a tepid record and recent struggles have them tottering on the brink of elimination giving them added incentive this weekend when they arrive at the Riverchase Cathouse. The Cheetahs are much better positioned (Wizard’s Note: Given their experience with numerous positions, this is to be expected.) than the Grenades to win the division and have been ridden around the block more often than an ’82 black Trans Am cruising around Eastwood Mall back in the day. However, that won’t be much help when the dust settles because although scoring at the Cathouse is a given, the Grenades will rebound enough to put the Cheetahs up wet after a hard days ride. Or at least cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wizards

In a game whose shock waves will be felt throughout the BDFL for years to come, the “Lollipop Guild” and the “Warsaw Pact Weenies” scored a combined six points in Week One and required a Monday Night TD pass by the since departed Donovan McNabb to even get to that number. Against the advice of medical doctors, the BDFL has allowed the rematch to continue as planned although paramedics and a heavy police presence, decked out in riot gear of course, will be on hand to make sure there are no public disturbances to put down when the Slovaks follow the yellow brick road to the Land of Oz this weekend. The chick in The Wizard of Oz had to click her red ruby slippers three times to return home, which was one more click than the Wizards scored in their season opener. Nevertheless, Merlin has had the “Magical Mystery Tour” moving steadily up the billboard charts the past few weeks and has to like his team’s chances to tear down an iron curtain that more closely resembles a plastic shower curtain. Dorothy finally did get back to Kansas and the legendary Wizardo says the Slovaks will wish they were in Kansas as well, or anywhere but in the same place as the Wizards come Sunday evening.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Juggernauts vs. Dogs

Allyson Edwards and the “Jug Heads” have seen their division hopes largely shattered over the last month, and may need something akin to a miracle when they pay a visit to the “Five Mile Crick Money Mongers” in Brookside Sunday afternoon. The Dogs are already plotting for next year’s draft, but would like to take a big bite out of whatever championship hopes the Juggernauts might still be clinging to with the end of the regular season looming. Fortunately for Allyson, the Dogs have been mostly bark and little bite in 2005 and the Great Wizardo doesn’t see much in their future to suggest seeing that trend reverse. What’s worse, even if the Dogs did manage to sink their fangs into the Nauts, they would probably wind up getting sued for their troubles. Nevertheless, the Great Wizardo still foretells the Dogs escaping with a verdict of not guilty.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Sloth Monsters vs. Wooden Warriors

Although the “Splendid Splinters” are well versed in rain dances, they have been looking more like Rain Man during the middle part of the season although recent weeks have seen them clinging tenaciously to their hopes of finishing second in the BDFL for the 3^rd consecutive years. Jaimie called all former “Doo Doo Pumpers” to practice this week, including all of the Headley’s, Bucket, and a special guest appearance by Mike Marshall and his tattoos, in anticipation of rallying the Tribe for one last push to the finish. Their opponents this week will be another team with hopes of bobbing to the top of their division by Week 15, but those hopes are fading faster than a Panama City sun tan for the “Groovey Ghoulies”. What chance Mike Dismukes and the Sloth Monsters have of capturing a 2^nd BDFL title will be dead or still on life support late Sunday night at Black Crick Ballpark, and the Great Wizardo says the Wooden Warriors will most likely rain on the Sloth’s  parade and officially pull the plug on their season.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Wildcats vs. Blades

The rest of the BDFL has become fully aware of tangling with Jerry James and his “Ferocious Felines” through twelve weeks of the regular season. With the Wildcats taking the “L” train each week, the Cats have raced out to a 10 and 2 record and what appears to be an insurmountable lead in the Yellow Hammer Division. Week 13 promises more fodder for the Wildcats in the form of the “North Shelby Sod Busters”. The Blades have been operating on auto-pilot all season and are quietly fading back into the pack as the season wears on. However, they would like to take their visitors down a notch before disappearing for good amongst the BDFL rabble. It would appear the only chance the Blades have of pulling the monumental upset, or even covering, is to give the Wildcats a particularly nasty case of “grass-in-the-rectum” disease. Unfortunately for the home team, they are much more likely to catch an even nastier strain of “Cat Scratch Fever” from their feline friends.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Power Sleds vs. Mayors

The Gray Beard Division has been hotly contested all year long although in recent weeks the cream has begun to rise to the top while the chaff has begun to settle to the bottom, the latter of which largely perfectly describes Alan Arrington’s “City Hall Hooligans” descent in recent weeks. Although the Mayors may already be on the outside looking at this point in the season, Jack Barnes and the “Limpin’ Locomotives” are still pouring on the coals in anticipation of resurrecting some of his Friday Night Softball League (not to be confused with Jaimie’s “other league”) heroics of the past. However, if Jack has any realistic shot at launching a comeback, it’s now or never for the Sleds to start cracking the whip. It’s hard to say whether or not Jack’s tender ham will hold up enough to keep him the in GBD race, but it should be more than strong enough to hamstring any upset bids the Mayors may be harboring.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Woosiers vs. Bootleggers

Tommy Todd and the “Hayden Haymakers” may have a high degree of expertise on the wrestling mats, but their lobotomy and some tights haven’t done them much good in the ring this year where every haymaker they’ve thrown has often looked more like a weak jab. Nevertheless, Jon Wood and the “Bristol Back Row Baptists” may be just the tomato can the Woosiers need to break out of their season long slumber. The Bootleggers started strong, but injuries have decimated their ranks and pushed them well out of contention as the regular season nears its end. The Johnson County Sheriff’s department has even considered having the big, block Dodge they sold to the Bootleggers at the Mason’s Lodge auction repossessed. If the Bootleggers have any chance to salvage some pride out of a season gone horribly awry, it would appear to be this weekend against the “Losiers”. However, the Wizardo thinks the smell of whiskey burning won’t subside any time soon for the home team.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Quote of the

Week

Not from any prognostication, but from his starter email...

"Let my starters ride for Week 13. Please be aware if the Colts get down to the goal line and stick Rhodes in to score the obligatory touchdown, I will be forced to bash my television set in"
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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