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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 11

Blades vs. Woosiers

Tommy Todd has dropped the lobotomy-and-some-tights (Wizard’s Note: It’s the required uniform.... But they’re still tights.) that helped him to multiple wrestling state championships and a scholarship to Jax State for a cape, wand and a pointed hat in his new role as the soothsayer of Smoke Rise after accurately predicting the first half of the season would be difficult but that the “Super Freaks” would go on a second half tear, which is exactly what has happened. Next in their path are Lyle Arrington and the resilient “Sod Busters” who would be the Yellow Hammer Division representatives if the season ended today. Nevertheless, the Blades still have much work to be done before punching their ticket to the play-offs and shouldn’t expect the Woosiers to play hot butter to their sharp knives Sunday afternoon. It’s a safe bet that the Blades will hide all of their women and children before arriving because the “Super Freaks” are the kind you won’t bring home to mother. Unfortunately, it won’t be enough to allow them to escape the city limits with a victory in hand.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Gamblers vs. Wildcats

If recent weeks are any indication, Kenny Breal and the “Wagin’ Cajuns” would do best to put on their cross trainers because they have been walking away from the table when they should have been running. Meanwhile, Jerry James and the “Fat Cats” hope to belly up to the table and take advantage of the Gambler’s recent woes and may be well primed to break the house after smoking the competition last Sunday. The Gamblers are at the edge of falling into the abyss in the Red Neck Division and have to begin doubling down now if they hope to capture a third unprecedented BDFL crown while the Wildcats are still well within range of the top but desperately need some “G.P.A. therapy” on their record to avoid automatic elimination. Fortunately for the Cats, the Schedule Maker has them playing the Gamblers at the right time which should promise big dividends for the home team when the dealins’ done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Grenades

Adam Slovensky and the “Euro Soul Patrol” have made a strong play to gain BDFL respectability this season and have largely succeeded although recent weeks have seen some cracks begin to develop in their armor. Thankfully for the Slovaks it may not prove to be a fatal flaw when they cruise into Nashville to battle Chris Hand’s “Bumblin’ Bomb Squad” Sunday afternoon in the “Kissin’ Cousin” Bowl. As a big wig corporate type at radio conglomerate Citadel, Chris is sure to have both kinds of music available (Country & Western) for Cousin Adam to make him feel at home, but the Great Wizardo has a sneakin’ suspicion that few, if any, of the Slovaks’ posse will be able to decipher the local groove when they finally arrive in their pimped-out rides with plenty of chrome flashin’ and their signature 24” rims in tow. The resulting frustration should give the visitors more than enough motive to “bus’ a cap in dey @$$” before hitting I-65 South Sunday night.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Sloth Monsters vs. Power Sleds

The “Fairfield Gear Grinders” have continued their dominance of the BDFL with a balanced attack that seems to produce at least one offensive explosion each week and has allowed them to run off and hide in the normally competitive Gray Beard Division. Jack has put more than a little “mud, sweat, and gears” into his return to dominance and has few intentions pulling back on the throttle when Mike Dismukes and the “P.E.T.A. Pipers Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers” pay the Sleds a visit this weekend. Mukes will have to be primed to match the Sleds’ onslaught because home team have been hitting on all cylinders this season. Mukes may even need to make an extra trip to Mike’s Handy Food Mart (Wizard’s Note: Mukes has his own glass-plated fridge stocked with his favorite brew.) prior to kick-off if he expects to go jaw-to-jaw long enough to pull off the upset. The Great Wizardo doesn’t see the Sloths getting much more than a good hangover late Sunday evening, and would recommend they take as much aspirin across county lines as the law will allow to help ease the pain afterwards, but he does see them covering the 7.5 points, though it will be small consolation for the Sloth Monsters.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Bootleggers vs. Dogs

Jon Wood’s “Drunken Bumpkins” will pour, and the Great Wizardo means that literally, out of the east Tennessee foothills for a trip to what they consider to be the bright lights of Brookside this weekend to meet Mark Burr and the “Groanin’ Loaners” who are laboring at the bottom of the Yellow Hammer Division in spite of being the only team in the division with a winning record. If the season ended after Week 11 and the Blades lose, it would be the Dogs who would improbably advance to the play-offs as the division representatives due to the “Bullet” rule being imposed on all other Yellow Hammer members. Any thank you notes can be mailed to Benton, AL in care of simply “Bullet.” Unfortunately for Mark, the regular season still has four more weeks to go before invitations go out for the big dance. Even worse, the clock will strike midnight long before then leaving the Dogs with little more than a few pumpkins, some mice, and two “beyotch” step sisters to commiserate with.

Wizards Winner…the Bootleggers.

Cheetahs vs. Wooden Warriors

Few have felt the brunt of the “Kick Off Cash” curse as much as Jaimie Hand and the “Shinola Shuckers” have over the years as time and again they have continually snatched defeat from the jaws of victory when they appeared to be on the cusp of winning a much coveted BDFL title only to see it whisked away, sometimes at the last possible moment, by unseen forces. This year, however, the Wooden Warriors went ugly early and have long since exited the hunt for the BDFL championship but, nevertheless, see this Sunday as an ideal chance for them to try and drag a contender down with them when the “Sin Wagon Party Barge” drops anchor at Black Crick Park, not to be confused with Five Mile Crick Park or the Charles Patterson “Extra Round” Park. A roll in the hay with the Cheetahs is often more than most can handle, financially and otherwise, which is what Butch Neal is counting on to keep his play-off hopes alive. With the Sleds racing away from the pack, the Cheetahs’ only hope to defend their title is an at-large invitation from the Commissioner. Fortunately for Butch, the Wooden Warriors have been left defenseless by injuries in the past couple of weeks and should prove to be little more than a speed bump on the Cheetahs way to the Big Dance.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Juggernauts vs. Bullets

Two of the hottest teams in the BDFL take center court this Sunday when Alyson Edwards heads south to Lowndes County to clash with Bullet’s “Shag King and his Court” in the five star match-up of the week. Although fate has certainly been cruel to all of the Hand / Slovensky clan in the BDFL due the “Kick Off Cash” curse, known hereafter as simply “the Curse”, perhaps the single cruelest blow came when Bullet seemingly won a BDFL title only to see it largely discounted when league officials placed an asterisk by it denying him an untainted title. For the record, the following are considered to be included in the curse: all Hand boys in the BDFL including relatives and descendants (including the “good” side of the Hand family although the Great Wizardo was unaware there was such a thing); all Slovensky clan members, including relatives, descendants, defacto-Slovenskys (i.e. anyone who worked at The Birmingham News when the scandal unfolded), and family from the Old Country that didn’t make it before the boat set sail for Ellis Island, NY; anyone receiving a transfusion of Hand / Slovensky “tainted” blood; and finally, last but not least, the guy in Andalusia, probably a “closet” Slovensky, that “won” the prize money plus his relatives and descendants. Time for the Curse Weavers to begin spinning another diabolical twist of fate for Bulllet…

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Mayors vs. Wizards

It may be time to begin threatening scholarships down at City Hall as Alan Arrington begins an investigation into what went wrong in a disastrous 2006 season of biblical proportions. The “Spin Doctors” have been in overdrive all season trying to explain to their constituency why they floundered so badly, especially in an election year. Unfortunately for the Mayors, their constituency largely ignored their pleas for mercy and voiced their displeasure at the polls. The Mayors now hope to mount a comeback and would like nothing better than to start when the pay a visit to the Gator Country of Florida this weekend where the wine and the women are free. Merlin’s “Concoction Cookers” have somehow managed to serve enough potent brews this season to keep themselves in contention despite being gutted early in the year due to injuries and attempted suicides. One would think that politicians, wine, and women would be a perfect match, but the Great Wizardo says otherwise.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"If recent weeks are any indication, Kenny Breal and the “Wagin’ Cajuns” would do best to put on their cross trainers because they have been walking away from the table when they should have been running"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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