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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 2

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wizards

Anxious to remove the stench of his 4 to 2 loss to the “SchlepVaks” in last year’s Week 2 match up, Merlin and the “Magical Mystery Ship” welcome the first of two bitter intra-divisional rivals from Helena (now that the Sloth Monsters have greased the palms of enough local politicians to get annexed into the city limits) to Tampa Bay. In a footnote, Merlin had the unique distinction of playing for one team that soon after his departure left the city, the state, the region, changed their nickname, and probably would have left the planet had it been possible in addition to playing for another one that completely changed color schemes, mascots, and tore down their old stadium in an effort to change their losing ways. The GW isn’t going to say there’s a connection between teams Merlin played for and said teams trying to put their past as far in the rear view mirror as possible, but it does cause one to stop and ponder after moving his franchise to Pasco County, Florida. As far as the game is concerned, Pasco County is a long trip for the Slovaks, and Adam’s gang doesn’t travel very well. Come to think of it, they don’t even “play at home” very well.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Grenades vs. Cheetahs

Rest assured there will be plenty of fireworks this weekend when Chris Hand and the “Bicep Bustin’ Banana Eaters” head south back to their ol’ stompin’ grounds to battle Butch Neal and the defending BDFL champion Cheetahs down at the Riverchase Cat House. The Grenades were upset at home last weekend and hope to even their record while hanging a loss on their intra-divisional rivals in Week Two. Meanwhile, the “Pus ‘n Boots” bunch always circle the Grenades on their schedule and are sure to have their claws sharpened and fangs bared for the visitors. But Chris says this is the year the “Banana Eaters” find the right mix of HGH and synthetic testosterone cocktails to carry them and their two-sizes-too-small fire engine red coachin’ shorts to the BDFL summit. Of course, Chris says this every year before meekly becoming a BDFL also-ran as the “Kick-Off Cash Curse” continues to thrive amongst the Hand/Slovensky clan and all of their off spring. Curses aside, the wiley old Wizard always says that “chicks dig long balls” and dialing “8” is one thing the Grenades remember well from their glory days at George Ward Memorial Park. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Sloth Monsters vs. Wooden Warriors

Intra-divisional match-ups are par for the course in Week 2 of the BDFL season and few will be any more hotly contested than when the “Toma-Chop Choctaws” welcome Mike Dismukes and the “Transylvania Twisters” to the reservation Sunday afternoon. After propping up Mukes at the 2005 BDFL Genuine Draft and taking his pulse on a regular basis to make sure he was still alive, Jaimie was paid back in spades at the 2006 draft by having to sit by Mukes, who promised to not be sober this year and fulfilled his vow by drinking early and often. Jaimie was even overheard trying to trade his spot in the draft so he could sit by Jerry, so the Wizard knows that Mukes must have been in rare form indeed. Jaimie and the Warriors will get their shot at redemption in addition to a chance to even their record after a miserable Week One performance and it’s a safe bet that Jaimie won’t be pullin’ out the peace pipe when the Sloths arrive, which is probably a good thing since the visitors would only try and drink it anyway.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Bullets vs. Gamblers

In the words of the medieval English monarch King Edward “Longshanks”, “the only thing wrong with Scotland is it’s full of Scots”, (Wizard’s Note: It was actually a line from “Braveheart” so the GW doesn’t know if the quote was ever actually attributed to Longshanks though he doubts that was the case since very little else in the movie was factually correct. However, it was a cool quote and that’s what important), which may be an apropos description of what is ailing Bullet and the rest of the “Black Belt Bureaucracy” despite a narrow Week One victory over Cousin Adam and the Slovaks. Nevertheless, the Bullets escaped intact and now take their show to the “Redneck Riviera” to battle intra-divisional rival Kenny Breal and the “Delta Devils.” After suffering a shellacking last week, the Gamblers are in a desperate need of a Week Two rebound to keep from digging themselves a deep hole early in the season. Unfortunately for Kenny, the only thing he’ll need on Sunday is more shovels.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Juggernauts vs. Dogs

Alyson Edwards and the “Dreadful Nauts” staggered out of the gate on opening day lending credence to why the Equal Rights Amendment was never ratified, but hope to regain their balance and prove the “naysayers” wrong when they head to Brookside to take on Mark Burr and the “Coalburg Canines” down at Five Mile Crick. The Dogs stunned the Grenades on the road last weekend and are poised to keep the momentum going for their home opener Sunday afternoon. The Nauts appear to be little more than a “one-trick pony” with Larry “Big” Johnson at the center of the storm, but after Johnson was shut out at the mutual window last week it became very apparent that there was little else up Alyson’s sleeve. The GW says Alyson shouldn’t expect to find anything different up that same sleeve this week although she can at least amble over to the Slovensky household afterwards for some left over barbecue from their annual 4th of July bash.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Wildcats vs. Blades

After riding his “Just Say No” draft day wave to a division championship and a runner-up finish for the BDFL title, Jerry James and the “Mild Cats” looked more like the rookie version than last year’s stellar team, which leads the GW to ponder if the true brain trust behind the “James’ Gang” rise to the top in 2005 might have actually been his sons, who defected to the Wizards’ draft day war room this year and were instrumental in helping cobble together a potentially formidable team that featured drafting a rugged Baltimore defense that took one interception 60 yards to the house last Sunday and almost did the same with another.  Merlin refused to comment at his weekly press conference other than to say “the check is in the mail” when asked how the James’ boys were being compensated for their draft day expertise. 2006 doesn’t look too bright for the Cats going forward, but it’s the equivalent of looking into the sun compared to the 2006 hopes of the Blades.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Power Sleds vs. Mayors

The “King and his Court” will host Jack Barnes and the “Motor City Madmen” this weekend at Fair Park in an early season Gray Beard Division showdown that will see Jack trying to get two quick wins in the early part of the season while Alan struggles to get back on track after tumbling down and breaking his crown in Week One. The Gray Beard has staked its claim as the strongest division in the BDFL and it’s hard to argue with the results as either the Cheetahs or Mayors have captured three of the most recent championships. However, if the Gray Beard is the equivalent of SEC football then the PowerSleds and Grenades occupy the role of Kentucky and Vanderbilt by living vicariously through the feats of their other division foes. However, Jack is eager to return to the glory days of yesteryear when the Sleds were either winning or competing for the championship year in and year out and sees this weekend as the perfect time to make a statement. Fortunately for Jack, the Mayors will be speechless again on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Woosiers vs. Bootleggers

Tommy Todd and the “Hayden Mat Meisters” came out smoking in Week One with a league best 40 points to set the pace for the rest of the league while the Bootleggers spent most of Sunday night trying to dislodge the foot the Sloth Monsters broke off in their back sides in an opening day loss. However, traveling to the Bristol foot hills is a long and arduous trek that few make successfully, especially when the “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” are fully sauced by game time.(Wizard’s Note: Has anyone ever listened to the lyrics from Misty Mountain by Led Zeppelin? Trying to figure out what they are singing about is almost impossible although the GW has little doubt it involves drugs and debauchery.) Sauced or sober, the Bootleggers will once again need to set aside plenty of time Sunday evening to pry out the foot the Woosiers will leave in their rear ends prior to leaving town.

The Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.  

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"In the words of the medieval English monarch King Edward “Longshanks”, “the only thing wrong with Scotland is it’s full of Scots”, (Wizard’s Note: It was actually a line from “Braveheart” so the GW doesn’t know if the quote was ever actually attributed to Longshanks though he doubts that was the case since very little else in the movie was factually correct. However, it was a cool quote and that’s what important)..."

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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