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 TheBDFL.com          WIZARDZ WINNERZ                       2008

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The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

From The Wizard

Week 16

Dogs vs. Bootleggers

In his infinite wisdom, the Great Wizardo forgot to apply his “prognosticatorial” genius to the Dogs vs. Bootleggers contest in his weekly selections. Whether due to an oversight or simply his way of trying to forget how many years this duo set back the BDFL in 2008 will be debated at water coolers all across the country for years to come. Even a pair of victories in the first round of the BMS will not do much other than putting a little lipstick on these two pigs. Nevertheless, one of these two will advance to the finals of the BMS with a chance to gain momentum headed into 2009. The “Tail Tuckin’ Terriers” from Brookside bet the ranch on Tomlinson (a #1 pick on anyone’s draft board back in August) at BDFL Draft and threw snake eyes in the process while the “Canton Carpetbaggers” had no apparent strategy at said draft that the Wizard can see, which will lead to the latter being reminded why their title aspirations died shortly after the season opener.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Power Sleds vs. Juggernauts

After playing the role of the confirmed bachelor for so many years, Jack Barnes finally got hitched a couple of short years ago (and married well above himself the Wizard might add) and promptly began droppin’ kids like a rabbit. Boxing trainers have always lamented that “women weaken legs”, a myth that Jack Barnes and the “Motor City Mad Men” have proved wrong since “jumpin’ de broom.” Two BDFL titles in the prehistoric era of the BDFL for Jack were promptly followed by a long drought that did not abate until Jack married, finally putting the myth to rest after which the Sleds, once again, began to climb up the BDFL peckin’ order soon thereafter. Nevertheless, after a stunning upset of the #1 seeded Wizards in round one, Jack won’t have much time to rest on his laurels before heading out I-20 to Talladega County to battle Allyson Edwards and the “Lincoln Rice Burners” in one of two semifinal match ups. Allyson’s employer, Honda, is one of the few car manufacturers that haven’t gone to Washington with hat in hand to beg for a bailout. Unfortunately for Allyson, a little government assistance will be needed to slow down the Sleds on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Woosiers vs. Bullets

In what was billed as an epic battle between a pair of the Hand boys in a BDFL quarterfinal down in Lowndes County, the two teams looked more like the “Keystone Cops” in a silent movie era, slap stick comedy that did little to put lipstick on two largely inept performances leaving little brother Jaimie looking like he just took a leap off the Edmund Pettis Bridge after Bullet bested him in a 24-14 clunker. Regardless, the “Bullsheeters” advanced to the semifinals where they’ll face the surging “HayDung Hayseeds” who edged the Wildcats in a thriller last Sunday. The Bullets will likely have all the stills tapped and flowing at maximum capacity to have the local rabble liquored up and in rare form to greet the Woosiers on their arrival, not that the locals needed any reason to start boozin’ it up early on a Sunday morning. The Head Woo, Tommy Todd, prognosticated that the Bullets have bad match ups this week and that the Woosiers will prevail because of it. In truth, it is the Bullets, who kept one of Jaimie’s sewer pumpin’ trucks on hand for just such an occasion, that will rub the Woosiers noses in doo doo and make ‘em like it, which is yet another reason why amateurs should leave prognosticating to experts like the Great Wizardo and his archrival, ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Mayors vs. Wizards

Proving crime doesn’t pay, Alan Arrington and the “Magic City Pork Peddlers” threw up a paltry 13 points in their quarterfinal match up last week. Even worse, their tepid total was almost 8 times less than the number of indictments they were served only a few days before. Almost as bad, the top seeded “Pasco Pirates” were trussed up and hung from a yardarm in their semifinal match up as well. A clearly dazed and confused Merlin was heard muttering “The Vikings score five touchdowns, Adrian Petersen runs for 165 yards, and doesn’t score a single time?…” before staggering off the field. Wizard Consigliore Barry Stephenson was a little less political when he said to no one in particular, “It’ll be interesting to see how well Petersen runs in the middle of Lake Minnetonka with a new set of cement cleats!” Regardless, both teams approach the game with big hangovers, but still have pride and a better finish to play for on Sunday. In the end it will be the Wizards that sober the fastest and gobble down the pork the Mayors will be pushin’ in addition to the 7.5 points laid by ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.    

Wooden Warriors vs. Wildcats

As evening fell on last week’s quarterfinal games, Jaimie Hand and the “Wounded Warriors” were last seen clutching their own collective throats and choking away yet another chance, in a long though distinguished list of them, to advance to their first ever BDFL title, a devastating loss made even worse by not only losing to Bullet (who will now run his mouth all during the holidays & well beyond), but also by posting a miserable score where only a decent day would have sufficed. Meanwhile, Jerry James and the “Rocky Ridge Flop Cats” saw their chance at a title crash & burn as well despite an impressive point total and being on the wrong end of last second thriller against the Woo Crew. However, in the BDFL tough losses are still just that…tough losses, meaning these two get to tangle to see who still has a shot at 5^th place and the sister-kissin’ that goes with it. Both teams were on a roll until they came to a sudden halt in the quarterfinals, but it will be the Wildcats that suffer the most long term effects because of it.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Blitz

Jerry Fritz and the “Crushin’ Prussians” flirted with a trip to the Big Dance before chokin’ their guts up on the last day of the season and tumbling to the depths of the Big Mullet Series where they promptly confirmed their not-ready-for-prime-rime status in taking it on the chin versus the lowly Dogs. Fortunately for Jerry, his Blitz get another seemingly easy shot at redemption when they host the “Blundering BlowVaks” who despite having no need to prove their BDFL mettle, or lack thereof, promptly confirmed their deserved ranking at the bottom of the pack with a putrid 8 point showing. The Blitz are clearly the better team, but that was the case last week as well, which didn’t stop them from going into a full retreat last week either. The Blitz will likely find a way to eke this one out, but they won’t cover the generous spread. No that any would care if they did.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Grenades vs. Sloth Monsters

The “Mid State Dixie Trixies” continued to flop around aimlessly like a fish out of water in the BMS opener. Of course, with a team starting Seneca Wallace and Bam Morris as two of their central playmakers followed by an ineffective Marshawn Lynch on an equally ineffective Buffalo Bill team, this reminds the Wizard of a draft day from several years ago when Chris harassed Jaimie about the need to “back up that Duce Staley pick” after Jaimie drafted the former Eagle as his #1 running back. It would be apropos if Jaimie returned the favor and did the same to Chris. The only difference is Jaimie would have to tell Chris to “back up” his entire roster. Still, the Grenades have to finish out the season for their sponsors so it will be off to Helena to play the snake-bitten “Lake Cyrus Sea Serpents” who continued an almost incredulous string of posting big numbers, but giving up even bigger point totals in a stunning 41-36 loss that leaves the Sloths one good shove from trying to overdose on milk and potato chips. Ultimately, the Sloths, sober or not, should be able to toss their mullet far enough to win and cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Cheetahs vs. Gamblers

The “Riverchase Chick Wagon” has looked more like a “chuck wagon” this season, probably closer to an “upchuck wagon” if you ask the Great Wizardo, in spite of a 41 point victory, largely on the backs of a 14 point miracle day from the Seahawks Orlindo Mare and big numbers from their defense, last week in their BMS opener. Meanwhile, the “Crazy Cajuns” slid past the inept Grenades in its typically unimpressive fashion. These two BDFL cornerstones have five titles between them, but have both underachieved in 2008 leading the Wizardo to think perhaps a bit of, shall we say, “motivation” is needed. When the British Navy ruled the waves, which it largely did unchecked for well over 300, probably closer to 400, years, its admirals and captains were always implored to attack enemy navies before they could be attacked, a tactic that often led the Royal Navy to one stunning victory after another. On one occasion an admiral chose to wait and be attacked by the enemy first after which he was summarily hanged by his superiors from his ship’s yardarm as a way to “encourage the lads” in how to fight a proper sea battle. The Great Wizardo thinks perhaps both of these two former titans of the BDFL could benefit from such an approach.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"A clearly dazed and confused Merlin was heard muttering “The Vikings score five touchdowns, Adrian Petersen runs for 165 yards, and doesn’t score a single time?…” before staggering off the field. Wizard Consigliore Barry Stephenson was a little less political when he said to no one in particular, “It’ll be interesting to see how well Petersen runs in the middle of Lake Minnetonka with a new set of cement cleats!"
 

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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