The Big Daddy

The Wizard thinks Governor Riley would be wise to have the state national guard on stand-by come this weekend when Butch Neal’s “Feline Floozies” welcome Tommy Todd’s “Hayden Hillbillies” to the Cat House because the depths of debauchery these two and their groupies will descend into may set civilization back at least a few centuries, if not completely tilt the earth off its axis. While neither team is officially dead in the water, there’s little doubt that the rats are scurrying overboard at a rate such that there is little doubt both will soon quietly slip beneath the waves and into oblivion. Nevertheless, playing for pride is always a staple of the BDFL, and the Cheetahs and Woosiers will certainly have that to play for, if little else. Although Butch plans to have his buxom bimbos ply their wicked wiles amongst the Woosier faithful as soon as they cross the city limit, they best beware that the Head Woosier has plenty of experience making the “pussies purr with the smoke up his hand”, in addition to using other body parts, and has no intention of letting this target-rich environment escape without deflowering as many of the locals as possible. Unfortunately for Tommy, the opportunity to deflower the local flavors of the month has never been big business for the Cheetahs nor will it be anytime soon.

While Mike Dismukes has assumed the throne of the Greenhorn Division, it is likely of little comfort to Mukes and his “Lake Cyrus Limb Loungers” because with four to play the Sloths have to post a sporty three wins against a single loss to even qualify for the “Big Dance.” Hoping to push him further to the brink is Alan Arrington and the “Spin Doctors”, who despite being very much in the Graybeard title hunt are on an equally slippery slope as their opponents. Sunday night one of these two contender’ season will officially reach DefCon 4 status since one of them is guaranteed to have seven losses, while possibly leading their respective division as the “Bullet Rule” continues to play chaos within the league rank ‘n file. Although the Mayors’ will have their settings on maximum spin come Sunday, it still won’t be enough to keep them from going down to defeat in the polls, scrambling the bombers, and hunkering down in their war room.

Wildcats vs. Wizards

After having yet another loss hung on them by the Mayors last weekend, “Cap’n Bucko Bruce” and the rest of his “Swashbucklin’ Swabbies” scurried back to the gator country where the wine and the women may be free, but vic’tries have been as hard to come by as eye teeth. On the voyage back to the friendly confines of Tampa Bay the Wizards were ordered to spend most of their free time on the ship’s aptly named “poop deck” since this season has gone to $&!% in short order. Hot on their heels will be Jerry James and his “Cat ‘o nine tails” who not only pace the Yellowhammers, but also the league heading into Week 11. The Cats are loaded for bear heading down the stretch while the Wizards are consistently taking a knife to a gun fight, although Merlin has evidently not yet learned this is not a strategy likely to meet with any degree of success. Merlin shouldn't expect his learning curve to get any steeper come Sunday evening although it should still have just enough of an incline to get him within the generous spread handed down by ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

After having yet another loss hung on them by the Mayors last weekend, “Cap’n Bucko Bruce” and the rest of his “Swashbucklin’ Swabbies” scurried back to the gator country where the wine and the women may be free, but vic’tries have been as hard to come by as eye teeth. On the voyage back to the friendly confines of Tampa Bay the Wizards were ordered to spend most of their free time on the ship’s aptly named “poop deck” since this season has gone to $&!% in short order. Hot on their heels will be Jerry James and his “Cat ‘o nine tails” who not only pace the Yellowhammers, but also the league heading into Week 11. The Cats are loaded for bear heading down the stretch while the Wizards are consistently taking a knife to a gun fight, although Merlin has evidently not yet learned this is not a strategy likely to meet with any degree of success. Unfortunately for the Wiz, don’t expect his learning curve to get any steeper come Sunday evening. In spite of Merlin's learning curve being almost as flat as a two by four, it should still have just enough of an incline to get them within the generous spread handed down by ELVO.

Just when Bullet thought it was safe to make the leap off the Edmund Pettis Bridge again, he found out the hard way that what lurked below made them wish they had stayed put after a brutal thrashing at the hands of big bro’ Chris, who did everything but open a can of industrial strength “whoop @$$” in Week 10. After a brief trip to Prattville to rest, recuperate, and, more importantly, regroup, the Bullets will get out of rehab just in time to meet Mark Burr and the “Slobberknockers” at Trey Pettimore Stadium Sunday afternoon. The Dogs were the first BDFL team to officially bow out of the championship sweepstakes after suffering their 8^th loss of the season last weekend, and it is hard for the Great Wizardo to conjure up any images of them putting any bite back into their bark before the conclusion of the season. With the Dogs’ “Big Johnson” keepin’ it zipped for the time being, expect precious little lead in the Dog pencils on Sunday and plenty of tucked tails when they head back to Brookside afterwards.

While singles might be standard fare at the Booby Bungalow, they are off precious little good in the BDFL as Jon Wood and his “Class-action Ambulance Chasers” learned last weekend after a simply miserable performance against the Blitz in what is very likely the lowest point total in BDFL history. Despite being virtually impossible to go anywhere but up, it will be of little solace to the Bootleggers when they head back below that Dixie line in Week 11 to battle the Graybeard Division leading “Rebel Poets Brother Ryan Roughnecks” in NashVegas. While the Grenades currently sit atop the division, one slip and they tumble out of contention with the dreaded “Bullet Rule” nipping at their heels, and the heels of the entire Graybeard Division for that matter who, at press time, had two teams under .500, an another pair at .500, and a grand total of none above it. While a mediocre seven up & seven down will guarantee you championship consideration, if not an automatic bid, it is still a distinct possibility that not a single Graybeard will even go dancing in the play offs. However, the Great Wizardo thinks the Grenades may pull out the “dubya” to solidify their title aspirations, but will not be so fortunate against the spread, especially if the Bootleggers pay a mere modicum of attention to their starting line up.

“Black Jack” Barnes and the “Dolodome Dark Hearts” are down to their last mulligan after a tough loss last Sunday left the Power Sleds teetering on the brink of the BDFL abyss. And things won’t get any easier for the Sleds when the high-powered “Voo Doo Vixens” roll into town with every intent of driving the final dagger into the Sled’s play off chances. The Gamblers have bluffed, doubled down, and called their way into a commanding lead in the Red Neck Division and already have more than the necessary number of “dubyas” needed to get a personal invitation from the Commish to the BDFL championship free-for-all that’s set to begin in a mere fortnight. Nevertheless, whether it’s “laurel resting” or just the luck of the draw, the Great Wizardo says the best cards the Gamblers can hope to pull from the deck on Sunday is a “dead man’s hand” of aces over eights, and it won’t be enough to keep them from going belly up when the final gun sounds.

Allyson Edwards and the “House of the Rising Sun” obviously spent most of the off season burning the midnight oil, and plenty of rice and bras while they were at it for good measure, trying to find a way to make their bones in the rugged, uncompromising world of the BDFL. Although the results over the years have been somewhat abysmal, it appears Allyson has finally found the right formula to make her first ever appearance in the BDFL championship series. Although the Jugs are in 2nd place in the Yellowhammer, they are almost certain to make the final cut with most of the rest of the league struggling to keep their heads above water with only four regular season games to play. As for Jaimie and the “Splintered Splendors”, the good news is they are not struggling to keep their heads above water. Unfortunately, the bad news is they are so far under water, especially after a miserable four point showing last week, the Warriors had best grow gills if they have any plans of continuing to breathe. Nevertheless, with ELVO reaching, the Great Wizardo will be there to take advantage of his gaffe.

During the first few years of WW II the German Luftwaffe, Wermacht, and Panzers goose stepped there way across most of Europe before failing to launch a timely invasion of Great Britain and then stupidly opening a second front on the vast frozen tundra of Russia and, even more stupidly, declaring war against Uncle Sam and sealing her fate. Similarly, Jerry Fritz’s “Jack-Booted Storm Troopers” were marching at will in the BDFL in the early stages of the season before faltering and beginning their swan dive towards the oblivion. A victory over the hapless Bootleggers not withstanding, it appears the rookies have shot their load and will likely have to reload in order to keep pace. However, as the Russian winter and US led allied armies did at Normandy some 60+ years ago, the Blitz advance will be stopped dead in its tracks, although by the most unlikely of heroes, Adam Slovensky and the “Blundering Slow Pokes.” It won’t be the stuff of legend, but still the Slovaks should fare much better against the Blitz than their ancestors did against the Nazi war machine.