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The BDFL

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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 1 -2006

Wizards vs. Gamblers

Despite an off season where Kenny Breal and the “Bayou La Batre Dice Demons” spent more time rebuilding their Gulf Coast digs following Katrina (Wizard’s Comment: “That Katrina was a real be-yotch.”) than trying to repair their BDFL dynasty, the Gamblers are more than happy to start afresh. And they’ll get their chance as the 2006 season kicks off with them welcoming Merlin and the “Sun City Soothsayers” Sunday afternoon. After a miraculous comeback down the stretch by the Wizards in 2005 led them to a Green Horn Division title, Merlin is anxious to chalk up another BDFL championship after several near misses in recent years. With drinking heavily, gambling away the family’s college fund, throwing away their 401K’s one dollar at a time, and hugging commodes on the agenda when any of the rank ‘n file head to the “Big Easy” to play the Gamblers, it’s no wonder this is one of the league’s sternest road tests. Nevertheless, the Wizards have concocted a particular potent, though vile, potion that should be just enough to cure any hangovers they may have prior to kick off.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Dogs vs. Grenades

The Great Wizardo (the “G.W.” for short) once uttered the famous phrase “Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war”, which is exactly what will happen when the “Pound Hounds” pay their respects to the league office this weekend while taking on Chris Hand and the “Brentwood Ball Busters.” Despite four titles in the Godzilla Racing Series (the # fantasy league in the country as voted by the media), the Grenades have yet to find the right strategy that would leave them at the top of the BDFL heap when the dust settles in spite of more than a few ruses that have all ultimately failed. Nevertheless, Chris has flushed the bombers and has his heavy armored cavalry on the move in what he hopes will be the first steps of a fall offensive that will finally land him that elusive title. Whether or not this is the first step towards a championship is unclear, but the Grenades should have plenty of fire power to fend off the Dogs when both sides retreat late Sunday evening to lick their wounds.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Woosiers vs. Wooden Warriors

Through the first half of 2005 the “Hand Lane Hatchet Hurlers” were cruising towards the playoffs when they got ambushed at the 11^th hour and spent the play offs watchin’ from the sidelines. Although an injury to Priest Holmes began their fall from grace, it is hard to imagine what happened to cause such a rapid descent although the G.W. strongly suspects it revolves around doin’ drugs, listenin’ to Mick Jagger music, and babes from the Niagara Falls area. Meanwhile, the 2004 defending champion Woosiers must have spent their 2005 training camp eating a steady diet of bananas because the champs looked more like chumps during their tepid title defense a year ago. With much to prove after very long off seasons, both teams will come to Black Crick Ballpark in hopes of putting their best foot forward right out of the gate. Unfortunately for Tommy, the Skins are tough to beat before the leaves fall. Even worse for the Woosiers, Jaimie should be able to spend more than enough time beforehand primping to ensure the foot he puts forward is properly color coordinated with his wrist and head bands in addition to being well accessorized.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Bullets vs. Slovaks

The GW should have gone long on Ex-lax stock in 2005 because Adam Slovensky and the “Woeful Slugvaks”, save a 4-2 victory over the Wizards that has both teams filing suit to have it expunged from the record books, were having the crap kicked out of them with such alarming regularity that heavy doses of the laxative appear to be the only plausible explanation. Nevertheless, 2006 is a new year and the Slovaks appear to be more than competitive after draft night meaning that the following list of circumstances likely happened: Mukes was drunk and obnoxious enough to not only distract himself, but also Jaimie, who sat by him, in the process; Jerry drove whoever sat next to him into an attempted suicide; Jack was still on strike against the league hierarchy; the Wizard was using Jaimie’s “B” list; Alan was out trying to see if Lyle existed; Allyson was chasing ambulances; and Jon was in Bristol doin’… whatever the #$!! it is you do in Bristol. Nevertheless, the Slovaks first test of the year will come against Cousin Bullet and the “Shag King Confederacy” on Sunday evening in Helena. Both teams will be looking for the Hand-Slovensky blood line’s first untainted BDFL title, something that has never happened due to the Great Wizardo calling down a curse on the Hands and Slovenskys after being robbed by both clans during the Kick-off Cash scandal at The Birmingham News almost 20 years ago. Regardless of who wins, the curse will likely live on for another year.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Sloth Monsters vs. Bootleggers

Early reports say that after appearing to be very near to assuming room temperature during the 2005 BDFL draft, Mukes was back in rare form this year with the liquor flowing freely in addition to his mouth. However, it’s time for Mukes and the “Groovy Ghoulies” to put up or shut up as they begin their quest for a 2^nd BDFL title. Their first stop will be against the “Tri-City Teetotalers” when they invade Thunder Valley Sunday afternoon. The home standing Bootleggers can’t promise the visitors any thunder will be rumbling, but will guarantee plenty of lightning, Pike County white lightning to be more precise, is on hand to welcome the visitors. The Sloth Monsters will be sorely tempted to fall off the wagon before the end of the weekend, and the Bootleggers will do everything in their power to aid the Sloths, but in the end the Sloths will stay on the wagon, or at least be hanging off the back when they pull out late Sunday night.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Blades vs. Mayors

There was a as yet unconfirmed Lyle Arrington sighting at the 2006 BDFL Draft although the GW strongly suspects it was big bro’ Alan in disguise since the two were never actually seen in a room together at the same time. But that won’t stop the annual Arrington “Bloody Reunion” from getting underway in Week 1 when the “Wacky Weeds” float into Fair Park to play the Mayors. Alan and the “Pork Peddlers” are desperate to prove their BDFL title of three years ago was not a fluke and that Dan Reeves did not receive substantial compensation for sabotaging the Wizards in the first ever Big Daddy Bowl. The GW likes the Mayors in this one, but he likes he 6.5 points that ELVO is layin’ even more.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Cheetahs vs. Wildcats

It’s never a pretty sight to throw two tom cats in a bag and let them fight it out, but it doesn’t stop it from at least being entertaining. And entertaining it will be when a rematch of the Big Daddy Bowl officially kicks off the 2006 season. The “Sin City Slickers” were little more than a tax write-off for owner Butch Neal for many years after toiling at the bottom of the league hierarchy, but two titles in three years have changed the landscape significantly for the Cheetahs. On the other hand, after a very difficult rookie season, Jerry James and the “280 Top Cats” rode their “Just Say No” draft strategy to a division title, a berth in the Big Daddy Bowl and the league’s best record. However, catching lightning in a bottle two years in row is difficult at best and the Wildcats may struggle to repeat their magical 2005 season. While a very solid player, drafting Tiki Barber 6^th overall, a small running back with the end of his career being much closer then the beginning, was risky at best and may set the table for a tough 2006. Regardless, in the end, the Cheetahs will prove their Big Daddy Bowl victory was anything but a fluke.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Power Sleds vs. Juggernauts

The Great Wizardo, or the “GW” as he is now officially known, has often said the last thing that goes through a bug’s brain when it hits a car’s windshield is its rear end, which basically describes the Juggernauts’ existence in the BDFL to this point. The same could be said for Jack and his “Midnight Train to Memphis” in recent years after winning the first two BDFL championships. While the Sleds have made strides towards reclaiming their former glory in the past couple of years, key injuries have sidetracked the ‘Nauts on a consistent basis. Both teams are hoping for a shot at redemption and it starts in Week 1. Allyson has drafted better than her performance shows so perhaps 2006 will be the year she finally brings gender equality to the BDFL. Unfortunately for Allyson, that light she sees at the end of the tunnel is Jack barreling down the tracks at full song. Even more ominous for the Juggernauts, trains have windshields, too.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.  

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"The Great Wizardo, or the “GW” as he is now officially known, has often said the last thing that goes through a bug’s brain when it hits a car’s windshield is its rear end, which basically describes the Juggernauts’ existence in the BDFL to this point"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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