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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 7

Wizards vs. Wooden Warriors

The Wizard and his neatly coiffed, high browed “Arts & Croissants” crowd are always eager to dine in only the finest restaurants while enjoying a spot of afternoon tea, but the best the Wizards can hope for when they visit the Black Crick Reservation on Sunday is some cheap whiskey and a few of the local varmint population roasted on a stick. While the Wizards will not find the accommodations to their liking, they will find what the host team has in store for them to be even more unappealing. The Wooden Warriors are always up to dishing out some punishment to their archrivals, the Wizards, when the opportunity presents itself. These two haven’t smoked the proverbial peace pipe since Jaimie beat the Wiz out for the 1981 Family Buffet Player of the Year Award at Gardendale High School (Wizard’s Note: The Wizard didn’t mind not winning, it was the all-you-can-eat-for-a-year door prize that really got him steamed.), and it was only compounded after Jaimie talked the Wiz into drafting Irving “He’s Jimmy Johnson’s go to guy” Spikes in the Wizard’s rookie season in the BDFL. Expect the Warriors to dish out more than they take while climbing back above .500 (the “Bullet Line”), but they will likely be a couple of scalps short of covering.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Gamblers vs. Bootleggers

The “Mississippi Mud Packers” will take their floating crap game on the road this weekend when they visit the “Bath Tub Gin Bottlers” in Bristol Sunday afternoon with every intention pounding equal parts sand and mud into the home team. However, the “Purdy Mouthed Pig Squealers” know a few things about pounding outsiders and may not take too kindly to any attempts by the Gamblers to fit something through the backdoor that won’t fit through the front. Nevertheless, despite a heartbreaking loss last weekend, 2005 has seen the reemergence of the vaunted Gambler attack after a few sub par seasons followed two BDFL titles in their inaugural seasons, and Kenny is eager to ascend to the top of the BDFL peckin’ order once again. This annual free for all between the BDFL’s resident “Vice Lords” will likely come down to who can deal the best card from the bottom of the deck, and the Great Wizardo ultimately sees the Gamblers drawing a “dead man’s hand” when all the chips are on the table.

Wizard’s Winner…Bootleggers.

Grenades vs. Mayors

If there were ever a textbook definition of “cronyism” in the BDFL then it would likely include a photo of Chris Hand’s “Tennessee Walkers” and Alan Arrington’s corruption plagued “Magic City Machine” grinning while doling out the pork to their constituents and, simultaneously, taking money out their constituents’ back pockets. Between cloak and dagger deals and back room handshakes, the Mayors are up to their eyeballs in sleazy dealings down at City Hall, but will have to step up their corruption to new levels if they expect to grease the skids enough to take down the Grenades at Fair Park Sunday afternoon. It is in the murky underworld of the Gray Beard Division (a.k.a. the Crony Division) where BDFL rules are truly hammered out and fortunes determined, safe from the light of day. Regardless, both teams are in the thick of the hotly contested GBD and this weekend may give one team the momentum it needs to make a charge to the front. Ultimately, when the $50 handshakes end the Mayors will have stolen enough candy from enough babies to slip by the Grenades and send Chris back home to his luxury boxes at “La Stadia” in Nashville to cry in his champagne and invent yet another scheme to capture (or steal) their first title.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Juggernauts vs. Wildcats

The lone female in the BDFL has her “Dancing Queens” waltzing through much of the testosterone laden BDFL with grace and ease. Nevertheless, Allyson will certainly get tested this weekend when she heads to Rocky Ridge to battle the red hot, division leading “TopCats” in what easily amounts to the marquis match-up of the week in the BDFL. The Nauts are among the elite in point production so far in 2005, but cannot skip a beat if they hope to keep pace with their division leader and opponent on Sunday, and this weekend would be the perfect time to state their claim to the throne. The Nauts came crashing back to reality last week with a stinging defeat and when the dust settles the Great Wizardo sees more of the same for the “Divas” although this one will be much closer with the Cats covering by a whisker.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Blades vs. Dogs

It will be a study in contrasting styles when the “Coalburg Road Kill Canines” square off Sunday at Five Mile Crick Ballpark with Lyle Arrington’s “Sword Swallowers”. While the Dogs will look to grind out a victory with a punishing ground game, the Blades potent air attack will be the key to winning for them. Despite respectable records and point totals, both sides need to ratchet things up a few notches to stay in the hunt for a play off spot in the ultra-competitive Yellow Hammer Division, and there is no time like the present to begin turning the screws with an increased sense of purpose. Nevertheless, when the grilling is finished over at the Slovensky homestead in Brookside Sunday evening, the Wizardo sees the Dogs lookin’ about as white as the hamburger meat they brought with them.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Sloth Monsters

It has been an embarrassing year for the GHD so far in 2005 with no team above .500 after Week Six and a paltry six victories amongst all four teams combined with at least half of those being from intra-divisional play. As if that is not bad enough, the GHD also set the league back at least a century when the Wizards and Slovaks battled to a 4-2 barnburner in Week One and have since threatened to send the BDFL back to medieval times with some of their recent performances not the least of which is the zero spot the Slovaks through up, or maybe that should be “threw up”, last week. How a division that has played for the last three BDFL titles in Week 17 can go down at a rate faster than even the Hindenburg is difficult to fathom yet Mike Dismukes’ “Spooks & Kooks” and Adam Slovenky’s “Euro Trash” may set even new lows when they square of in the “Toilet Bowl” game of the week, which is a real slam to any self respecting Toilet Bowl. Nevertheless, someone has to win this one so…”eenie, meaney, miney, moe…

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Bullets vs. Woosiers

After a forgettable start to the 2005 season, the “Love Guns” stopped firing blanks long enough last weekend to pick up a desperately needed win. Although the Woosiers have likely dug too big a hole to climb out of before season’s end, they can at least play the part of the spoiler from here on out. First up on the list will be the “Lowndes County Shag Kings”, who will be looking to cut a rug in Smoke Rise the same way they do back home at the Little Brown Jug in Benton. The Bullets still have legitimate title hopes, but will have to step up the pace considerably from the past two weeks if they harbor any hope of dancing for the BDFL title in Week 17. However, a word of caution from the Wizard, in addition to never pulling Superman’s cape or hitting Alabama High School Hall of Fame Coach Ed Bruce in the jaw after he just had a root canal, the Great Wizardo also says it’s never wise to dance with any girl named Linda Lou, especially if she has a boyfriend totin’ a .44, something the Woosiers will learn the hard way come Sunday evenin’.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Power Sleds vs. Cheetahs

Butch Neal’s “Bleached Blonde Bimbos” have taken command of the GBD after cruising to a huge win behind the running of Alexander the Great this past weekend while his fellow division rival, the Power Sleds, have slipped in the rankings recently despite recording a victory in Week Six. There is no question this weekend holds potentially big dividends for Jack’s “Crazy Train” when the Sleds slide into the Riverchase Red Light District Sunday afternoon. The Cheetahs appear to have too much firepower behind “homer” pick, Sean Alexander, who leads the NFL in rushing touchdowns, but despite conquering most of the known world by the time he was 30, the real Alexander the Great was struck down in his prime and his empire soon followed suit, which is why the Wizard, as only he can do, smells an upset or at least a backdoor cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Quote of the

Week

"These two haven’t smoked the proverbial peace pipe since Jaimie beat the Wiz out for the 1981 Family Buffet Player of the Year Award at Gardendale High School (Wizard’s Note: The Wizard didn’t mind not winning, it was the all-you-can-eat-for-a-year door prize that really got him steamed.), and it was only compounded after Jaimie talked the Wiz into drafting Irving “He’s Jimmy Johnson’s go to guy” Spikes in the Wizard’s rookie season in the BDFL"

Quote of the

Week II

"The “Mississippi Mud Packers” will take their floating crap game on the road this weekend when they visit the “Bath Tub Gin Bottlers” in Bristol Sunday afternoon with every intention pounding equal parts sand and mud into the home team. However, the “Purdy Mouthed Pig Squealers” know a few things about pounding outsiders and may not take too kindly to any attempts by the Gamblers to fit something through the backdoor that won’t fit through the front"

Quote of the

Week III

"...the GHD also set the league back at least a century when the Wizards and Slovaks battled to a 4-2 barnburner in Week One and have since threatened to send the BDFL back to medieval times with some of their recent performances not the least of which is the zero spot the Slovaks through up, or maybe that should be “threw up”, last week. How a division that has played for the last three BDFL titles in Week 17 can go down at a rate faster than even the Hindenburg is difficult to fathom yet Mike Dismukes’ “Spooks & Kooks” and Adam Slovenky’s “Euro Trash” may set even new lows when they square of in the “Toilet Bowl” game of the week, which is a real slam to any self respecting Toilet Bowl.

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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