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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 16

Wizards vs. Bullets

After traveling to Helena to trim off one branch of the Hand-Slovensky family tree (and rummaging through the kitchen for a few leftover ribs from the 4th and a knockin’ back a gallon of milk just like old times), Merlin and his “Potion Pushin’ Pirates” will set sail down the Black Warrior River to take on yet another branch of the Hand-Slovensky clan when they battle Bullet and the “Macon Bacon Bureaucrats” at Trey Pettimore Stadium Sunday afternoon. The Bullets are riding high after a solid opening round vict'ry placed them in the BDFL Final Four and one step closer to that elusive untainted title they so desperately need to validate their legacy. Traveling down Copperhead Road is always an adventure, and the Bullets will no doubt have someone in the Old North Church to light one lantern if the enemy invades by land and two if by sea. Unfortunately for the Bullets, Paul Revere won’t be around to make another mad dash to warn the home team leaving the Wizards to silently sail under the Edmund Pettis Bridge and steal a victory before heading back to Gator Country.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Woosiers vs. Power Sleds

In what is easily the marquis match-up of the week, Tommy Todd and his “Half Nelson Hellions” continue their remarkable run over the last half of the season after easily dispatching the Bootleggers last weekend by traveling to Fairfield to take on his “Raggedy Hobo Memphis Rail Riders” who have been anything but raggedy in their continued assault on a third BDFL title. Led again by touchdown maker LaDainian Tomlinson, the Sleds have proven to be too much for the competition all season and see no reason the visitors from Smoke Rise should be anything more than an appetizer for their ravenous appetites. However, the Woosiers are much more than a mouthful and will require the PowerSleds to go through all four courses if they have any visions of blowin’ through the Woosiers and into the title game. In the end, the Sleds may prevail but they will likely not cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Wildcats

A mere week after pasting the Wizards, Jaimie Hand and the “Wounded Warriors” were promptly whacked almost as badly by big brother Chris last Sunday evening in a game that saw the Warriors leave with little more than cleat marks on their chest similar to the ones Curtis Stewart left on Chief Chuck-em-long so many years ago. Nevertheless, the Injuns have to hit the “Trail of Tears” again on their way to Rocky Ridge to play the “ChildCats” who also ended up on the wrong side of the score albeit by a mere two points. Jaimie is still fumin’ about leading the Green Horn Division in points yet being relegated to the BMS and the beating his Warriors took last weekend probably did little to lower the temperature in the kitchen. This one will be tight but in the end the Great Wizardo says it will be the Wooden Warriors notching a vict'ry on their tomahawks at the Wildcats expense and regaining some of their Stagger Lee swagger.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Blades vs. Grenades

The “Grain Sprangs Glue Factory” stuck it to kid brother Jaimie much like Chris did when he put the shackles on future Bama star Joey Jones at Bryant-Denny Stadium in the 1980 High School Football All Star game in route to administering a serious “A.W.” on the Woodskins that will take quite some time to heal. After riding the Titan defense to a record setting 36 points, led by Pac Man Jones and his gold-plated grill no less, Chris and the “Charades” will look to continue their winning ways at the expense of Lyle Arrington and the “Carvin’ Marvins” who are coming off an impressive win of their own over the Cats. The BMS is being played mainly for bragging rights, but the winner also gets the much-coveted all-you-can-eat mullet pass at the Flori-Bama, which is worth the price of admission, and already has Chris making plans to visit the Gulf as soon as possible. It is highly unlikely the Titan “D” can carry the Grenades for a second week in a row, but the Great Wizardo says they won’t have to.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Cheetahs vs.  Mayors

Fresh off of drubbing the Juggernauts in round one of the BMS, Alan Arrington and the “Lawson Field Lizard Kings” return to their east Birmingham digs to welcome fellow Gray Beard Division member and whiner Butch Neal and the “Sin Wagon” to town to compare pot bellies and receding hair lines. (Wizard’s Note: The Great Wizardo predicts Butch will win the former and Alan the latter) Winning the BMS is hardly something either of these two former champions is interested in, but a win against a division rival is always important and, at the very least, is a way to lessen their losses when the hat gets passed around at the annual Super Bowl Gala. Were it not for a collapse at the very end of the regular season, the “No-knockin’-if-it’s-rockin Sin Wagon” would be in the thick of the title hunt, but alas it was not to be. Nevertheless, Sunday will give them a chance to take out some of their year end frustration at the expense of the Mayors and the Great Wizardo says to expect the Mayors to pay through the nose.

Wizard’s Whiner…uh, I mean winner…the Cheetahs.

Dogs vs. Juggernauts

In a game that may set back women’s suffrage four score and seven years, and then some, Alyson Edwards and the “DreadfulNauts” were pounded by the Mayors last weekend dropping them into the losers’ bracket of the BMS, which is basically the equivalent of going two and out at the annual Brookside summer softball game with one of the losses coming to Hot Dog Sexton’s traveling all stars. Meanwhile, the “Mangy Mutts” put up a valiant fight before succumbing to the Cheetahs after a Monday night blitz. Unfortunately for Mark, the Dogs will find the Juggernauts to be no more hospitable than the Jungle Cats and will continue to rest at the bottom of the BDFL pecking order.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Sloth Monsters vs. Bootleggers

Despite facing the less than envious task of walking into the Fairfield Dolodome to play the league’s top seed, Mike Dismukes “Potato Chip Gobblin’ Goblins” came perilously close to pulling off a monumental upset only to see their effort fall just short. Nevertheless, the Sloth Monsters will have to pull themselves up off the mat and make a run to Mike’s Handy Food Mart on the way up I-59 to the Tennessee hills where they will face the Jon Wood’s “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” in the loser’s bracket of the BDCS. When Mukes and the gang arrive in Bristol they’ll find the Bootleggers in their outhouse trying out the toilet seat they got for their miserable effort last Sunday. After taking care of business, the Bootleggers will then drag out some of their finest (i.e. strongest) sippin’ whiskey in hopes of putting some extra wobble into the Sloth Monsters’ step, but to their chagrin will find out that Mukes always plays better when fully lit.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Gamblers vs. Fighting Slovaks

After going away from Michael Westbrook to Reggie Bush and leaving Westbrook’s twelve points on the bench and the vict'ry it would have brought the Fighting Slovaks, Adam Slovensky was seen repeatedly punching himself in the face as a golden opportunity to knock out the Wizards and advance in the BDCS slipped away. Meanwhile, Kenny Breal and his “Certified ‘B’ Class Ballplayers” (Wizard’s Note: After losing his official “B” papers during Katrina, Kenny had to borrow Mukes’ certificate of authenticity.) promptly “two-and-cued” last Sunday afternoon on his way to bowing out of the championship hunt. Nevertheless, there is still pride and a more than respectable position in the final standings to play for so expect both teams to arrive in their Sunday best this weekend. Once the dust settles however, the Great Wizardo says it will be the Slovaks who slay the visitors on their continuing quest for BDFL respectability.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Nevertheless, the Sloth Monsters will have to pull themselves up off the mat and make a run to Mike’s Handy Food Mart on the way up I-59 to the Tennessee hills where they will face the Jon Wood’s “Misty Mountain Moonshiners” in the loser’s bracket of the BDCS. When Mukes and the gang arrive in Bristol they’ll find the Bootleggers in their outhouse trying out the toilet seat they got for their miserable effort last Sunday. After taking care of business, the Bootleggers will then drag out some of their finest (i.e. strongest) sippin’ whiskey in hopes of putting some extra wobble into the Sloth Monsters’ step, but to their chagrin will find out that Mukes always plays better when fully lit"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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