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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 9

Fighting Slovaks vs. Juggernauts

As The Bulletin waxed so eloquently last week, the BDFL is finding out what most of Europe and Asia have known for centuries. Namely, a Slovak hasn’t backed a winner since siding with Count Vlad “the Impaler” Tepes (Wizard’s Note: This is the same Count that the legend of Dracula was based upon.) in the 15^th century when he kept the Ottoman Turks at bay in Wallachia and Transylvania. And even then it was only because Vlad let the Slovaks go “trick or treating” at his castle on Halloween. Nevertheless, despite a big win in Week Eight the misery that is the Slovaks this year continues to grind away monotonously with a visit to Leeds to play the Juggernauts. Allyson Edwards spent considerable time under the hood in the off-season tuning up her “Sake Suckers” and it has paid big dividends in 2005. Although Week Nine will hardly require all hands to man their battle stations in time to greet the visitors, the Jugs need to run up the score for the bowl scouts after a couple of sub par weekends caused them to miss a golden opportunity to gain ground on the Wildcats.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Grenades vs. Gamblers

A couple of former “certified ‘B’ class ballplayers” square off in Bayou La Batre on Sunday when Chris Hand and the “Tahiti Blue Dot Wad Squad” arrive on the coast to take on Kenny Breal and his “Tater Beltin’ Bayou Boys” Sunday afternoon. The Gamblers are currently setting the pace in the RND, but are still well within striking distance by the other three members of the division, so Kenny won’t have the luxury of “saving” any home runs for the foreseeable future if he has any plans of hanging a division pennant on the wall down at the FloraBama. Pitting two teams fighting for the right to go to the big dance is akin to throwing a couple of ill-tempered gamecocks in the ring, sitting back, and watching the festivities. However, the Wizardo always say, “chicks dig long balls” and nobody has ‘em any longer than the Grenades.

Wizard’s Winner…Grenades.

Wizards vs. Blades

Despite having a reasonable chance to compete for the points title in the GHD, the “HealthSouth Book Cookers” (Wizards Note: Their motto is “if you’ve got the crooks, we got the cooks”.) appear more than likely to be under the “Bullet Line” at season’s end, which would prevent them from competing for a 2^nd BDFL title, even if they were able to finish first in the division on points. Regardless, the Wizards are in desperate need of some victories just to try and regain the self respect they lost when they fell to the lowly Slovaks in Week One. The road to respectability begins this weekend where Lyle Arrington (Wizard’s Note: There have been no credible sightings of Lyle in almost two years.) and the “North Shelby Sodbusters” will be waiting the arrival of the “Oz Men”. Despite being an absentee owner this season, the Blades have had at least some success although they appear to be too far behind the sizzling Wildcats and Juggernauts to make any type of serious run at the division title. Nevertheless, you have to like your chances at posting a “dubya” at home, especially when the visitors are wearing the purple and gold of the Wizards. However, a recently retooled roster for the “Whizinators” should be enough to blunt anything the Blades throw at them Sunday afternoon and keep Merlin’s dream alive.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

 Bootleggers vs. Cheetahs

The “Thunderdome Rule” will be in full effect this weekend when Butch Neal and the “Sin City Sirens” roll into Thunder Valley to take on the “Protestant Pulpit Pounders” in an inter-divisional match-up with far reaching consequences. Although two teams will enter the ring, only one will emerge with most of their more important parts still firmly attached. Although they still harbor championship dreams, the Bootleggers may find their title hopes in tatters and their collection plates largely empty come Sunday evening when the Sin Wagon rumbles back towards home. The Cheetahs like to remind everyone that they’re “slippery when wet”, and the Great Wizardo sees little chance that even a dry spell in the mountains will do anything to help the Bootleggers from losing their footing on not only the game, but their title hopes as well.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wildcats vs. Wooden Warriors

A pair of division leaders pair up this weekend when the “Rocky Ridge TopCats” invade Black Crick Stadium to battle the “Poop Pumpers” in what could be a preview of The Big Daddy Bowl. That being said, neither team needs to book their hotel rooms just yet for the title game after each suffered through a very tough Week Eight. For Jerry James that makes two straight sub-par weekends for the Wildcats, which has left the “Just Say No” tour bus on the side of the road with the wheels off just as the season heads into the stretch run. If the Wildcats expect to get their ship righted in time to hold of their challengers, they had better make a pit stop at the Lowe’s off Walker’s Chapel Road and buy the biggest pooper scooper they can find before getting to the stadium. Nevertheless, the Wizardo thinks it may take something more along the lines of a backhoe if the Wildcats expect to clear a pathway to victory.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Dogs vs. Sloth Monsters

The “Hound Humpers” have had a tough time finding a leg to latch onto in the BDFL this season and find their play off hopes in shambles as they venture to Silver Lakes to play Mike Dismukes and the “Goofy Goblins” in a match-up between two teams that are mainly making laps for the sponsors at this point in the year. Nevertheless, the Sloth Monsters have hit on a ground game combination of late that has kick-started their season to the point where they can at least play the role of the spoiler, and would like nothing better than to field test it when the Dogs come to town on Sunday. The Great Wizardo always says you can’t play with the big dogs until you can pee in the tall grass, and the Wizard doesn’t see the Dogs being able to hike their legs high enough to take care of business this weekend.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Power Sleds vs. Bullets

It ain’t exactly the Free State of Winston County, who were crazy enough to secede from Alabama during the Civil War after Alabama seceded from the Union, (Wizard’s Note: Given the state’s accomplishments since then, it probably wasn’t a bad idea.) but it will be the next best thing when the “Lowndes County Confederacy” entertains Jack Barnes and the “Motor City Madmen” down at the Little Brown Jug Sunday afternoon. The Bullets consider anything above Holly Pond to be “Yankee Country” and still hold a grudge against North Carolina for even having the word “North” in their name in spite of being part of the South. Nevertheless, they’ll still welcome the Power Sleds with plenty of southern hospitality, at least until kick-off, and more than few helpings of collard greens, black-eyed peas, and fried chicken. When the smoke clears, however, the Sleds will find their chances for a big win on the road derailed by a few of the tricks the Bullets learned from Charlie during their two tours of Vietnam.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Woosiers vs. Mayors

Trying to ignore the carnage of Tommy Todd’s title defense, albeit difficult to stomach, is much like trying not to look at a five car pile-up on the interstate, it’s next to impossible. Things may not improve much for the “Losiers” on Sunday when they visit Alan Arrington and the “Pork Peddlers” at Fair Park in a game with big implications for the home team. Despite holding down third place in the GBD the Mayors are a mere 15 points out of first with seven to play, so if they have any pork to hand out to their constituents, now is the time to do it. While ELVO’s line is inviting, the Wizard aren’t biting and just doesn’t see the Woosiers pulling out of their season long funk long enough to keep the Mayors from winning big at the ballot box.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Quote of the

Week

"The Great Wizardo always says you can’t play with the big dogs until you can pee in the tall grass, and the Wizard doesn’t see the Dogs being able to hike their legs high enough to take care of business this weekend"
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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