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From The Wizard

2009 Week 11

Wizards vs. Wooden Warriors

After an unannounced visit from Consigliore Barry Stephenson to the Wizard’s camp this past week, Merlin and the “Good Ship Lollipop” finally sailed into smoother waters and snapped a devastating three game slide that left their play off hopes in tatters. Regardless of the method, which was rumored to involve numerous scholarships being threatened, the speech breathed new life into a flagging campaign just in time for a trip up the Black Crick to battle their bitterest rival by far, Jaimie Hand and the “$h!t Shuckers”, on Sunday in Fultondale. When asked if he had gotten over losing the Family Buffet player of the year trophy to Jaimie Hand and, more importantly, the all-you-can-eat ticket that went with it, Merlin merely replied, “Losing the trophy? Not a big deal. It was the all-you-can-eat-for-life award that still haunts me. That was how I was planning to feed my young ‘uns until they were old enough to boot to the curb.” No quarter will be given in the rivalry, nor is any expected, but it will be the Wizards that ultimately prevail against a Wooden Warrior team that is more paper than tiger.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Bootleggers vs. Grenadiers

Jon Wood and his “big, black, block Dodge” has had a sour motor since virtually the drop of the green flag in the 2009 run for the roses, but it finally “blowed up” completely coming out of turn three as evidence by parts of their engine flying everywhere and the oil slick the “Bootlickers” left in their wake. Throwing up a donut is difficult to do unless you decide to draft a bunch of Cleveland Browns, including their kicker, and actually start them, all of which the Bootleggers managed to do to create the ingredients for the perfect storm. The Great Wizardo watched the very beginning of the game, which was just long enough to see a graphic saying the Browns had only scored five, count ‘em five, offensive touchdowns in the last fourteen games. After Monday night, Cleveland is still holding on five though now after fifteen games. Not since the 1930’s when the Cincinnati Reds (much to the Wizard’s surprise, especially since he claims to know everything worth knowing, they were a football team as well) matched a similar feat of futility. The common thread is both the Browns and the Reds are, or were, from Ohio, as are the Canton Bootleggers, so perhaps this exercise in futility should hardly be surprising. The Wizard wants to take the points and run, and he could probably outrun the Bootleggers’ Dodge on foot if last week was any indication, but the “NashVegas Grinnin’ Deers” have apparently found their sea legs, though far too late to matter, and should still cover the large spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

Juggernauts vs. Bullets

Last Sunday when the Mayors hosted the Bullets, Alan Arrington and his cronies confiscated all fire arms and ammunition in attempt to ensure only the true criminals, the Mayors in this case, would be armed and ready. Nevertheless, after entering Fair Park and administering a beat down of the Mayors, the visitors promptly replied, “Gimme’ back my bullets. Put ‘em back where they belong”, a request which the defeated Mayors were forced to sullenly oblige. Unfortunately for Allyson Edwards and the “JuggerNots”, that spells trouble when they cross the Lowndes County line for a Sunday afternoon date with the Bullets at Trey Pettimore Stadium. Even worse, the Great Wizardo says the Nauts appear to have a bad drug problem because they’ve been getting drug up and down the field on a consistent basis for most of the season. That being said, the Wizard doesn’t like the Juggernauts chances to prevail on Sunday, but he dislikes the 7.5 point spread even more.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Sloth Monsters vs. Cheetahs

The “Riverchase Skeetahs” have buzzed in and out of playoff contention in the highly competitive Gray Beard Division all year, but have been in danger of being on the outside looking in as the regular season begins to enter the stretch drive, and need to make up ground quickly in the next four weeks to try and secure a championship series berth. On the flip side, Mike Dismukes and the “Silver Surfers” are hangin’ ten at the top of the Green Horn Division, but still don’t have enough of a cushion to rest their starters anytime soon, so expect both squads to empty their respective toy boxes looking for any edge they can muster. Still, the Sloth Monsters are hardly striking fear into anyone at the moment with a badly banged up ground game that leaves them vulnerable to any other BDFL predators on the prowl, something the Cheetahs, unfortunately, will not be able to take advantage of on Sunday, and will find themselves going home hungry.

Wizard’s Winner…Sloth Monsters.

Woosiers vs. Blitz

When Tommy Todd contemplates his next BDFL roster move or starting line-up, he always remembers to cock his head to the side as a way of paying homage to the wrestling stance Tommy’s idol, Dwayne Painter, always struck, especially for individual pictures. Despite his stellar career inside the squared circle, it has always been rumored that in practice Woo always asked to start on his back when wrestling Dwayne figurin’ he usually ended up on his back anyway and wanted to save the time and effort Dwayne expended putting him there. While a truly gentlemanly gesture, the Wizard isn’t sure denying “Daddy” Dwayne the thrill of the hunt was the best approach. Fortunately for the rest of the “Smoke Rise Mat Meisters”, Jerry Fritz and the “Squirmin’ Germans” shouldn’t expect any such hospitality from the Woosiers and, in fact, had best bring their “A” game if they expect to keep from getting their ears pinned back by their visitors. The Blitz are a very capable team, but may be a little too heavy on the Eagles to tackle a balanced Woosier attack, and will find the outcome of this blitz to be no better than one over London during WW II.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Mayors

In what would now be an incredibly insensitive song and subsequent music video, a solo Phil Collins once crooned “It’s no fun being an illegal alien”, all while dressed up in a cheesy, stereotypical Mexican costume complete with a broad brimmed sombrero and a striped poncho, and it’s a safe bet that after being on a semi-run in recent weeks it wasn’t a barrel of monkeys being the Fighting Slovaks last weekend as they folded like a cheap tent against his division rival, and formerly sinking-like-the-Titanic, Wizards. After helping Merlin find his mojo again, at least for a week, the Slovaks head to Lawson Field (the locals call it Legion Field because its artificial turf came from the Gray Lady, which is and has been painted green for several decades, but the Wizard digresses…) to take on Alan Arrington and his “Club Fed Felons” after the Mayors were kicked out of city hall and given a one-way ticket to the local minimum security prison where they will hone their golf games and dream up other ways to scam the overburdened taxpayers, who will gladly re-elect them once they’re free. Just ask Marion Barry who was re-elected to public office after being caught on videotape selling crack cocaine. Regardless, the Mayors should have their way with the Slovaks, but the closest they’ll come to hitting ELVO’s lofty spread is the number on the front of their orange prison fatigues.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Dogs vs. Wildcats

Mark Burr and the “Fabulous Thunderbirds” have by and large flying high and living large in recent weeks in route to first place in their division by a healthy 22 point cushion. However, the team trailing them will host the Dogs this weekend when Jerry James and his “Cat ‘a Nine Tails” try to reel in the visitors. The Wildcats struggled mightily in Week Ten, enough so that the Dogs starters outscored Jerry’s entire team, but had best get back on track in double time fashion or getting treed by the Dogs will be the least of their worries. Further, the Wizard says the Cats chances would go up considerably if their nine tails, not be confused with Isaiah Lord and his nine kids, turned into nine lives because they will need them all to survive the weekend.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Gamblers vs. PowerSleds

Jack Barnes and his “Motor City Mad Men” sit down to deal cards with Kenny Breal and the “Wagin’ Cajuns” in a winner-take-all, Texas hold ‘em, two ‘n que game on Sunday afternoon at the West Jefferson Dolodome. Together with the Bullets, these two teams comprise the cream of the crop of the BDFL although both are anything but assured of getting an invite to the season ending big dance. The Gamblers are locked in a death struggle with the Bullets for the Red Neck Division crown, with the loser hoping for an at-large bid, while even the 19 point lead the Sleds hold is hardly enough to allow them to breathe very easy with four games left in the regular season. Expect nothing less than these two to stand in the middle of the ring and trade punches for fifteen round before a winner is decided, but the Wizard says a pair of one-eyed Jacks won’t be enough to beat Kenny’s inside straight.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 42	ELVO 38

Latest Lines

2009 Week 11

GAM @ PS (P)

WIZ @ WW (-1.5)

SM @ CHE (-2.5)

WOO (-3.5) @ BLZ

DOG (-4.5) @ WIL

FS @ MAY (-5.5)

BOO @ GRE (-6.5)

JUG @ BUL (-7.5)

ALL TEAMS PLAYING

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"When Tommy Todd contemplates his next BDFL roster move or starting line-up, he always remembers to cock his head to the side as a way of paying homage to the wrestling stance Tommy’s idol, Dwayne Painter, always struck, especially for individual pictures"

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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