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 TheBDFL.com          WIZARDZ WINNERZ                       2008

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From The Wizard

2008 Year End Summary

Benton Bullets

Bullet and the “Benton Boogie Men” have finally shattered the “Kick-Off Cash Curse” and ended the torment the Hand/Slovensky clan has been forced to endure over the years by winning their first legitimate BDFL championship. No asterisk this time around after the Bullets edged the Sleds in the Big Daddy Bowl. A beaming D.K. Hand was heard to utter “Now my middle boy has as many real BDFL titles as he does kidneys. One.”

Power Sleds

One-eyed-Jacks-are-wild Barnes finally put the “Power” back into the long dormant “Power Sleds” after sweeping to the championship game before falling in the finals in a heartbreaking loss to the Bullets. The loss was even more painful since the margin of victory was a 55 yard TD pass from Peyton Manning in what amounted to little more than a cameo appearance in their Week 17 match up against the Titans. Still, the Sleds have served notice that they intend to be back in the thick of the hunt on a more consistent basis since their dominant early years.

Jugtown Juggernauts

Allyson Edwards and the “Lincoln Rolling Stones” gathered no moss in 2008 and very nearly shattered the “good ol’ boys” club glass ceiling before settling for a still sparkling 3rd place finish. Nevertheless, the Nauts finish will give them plenty to talk about in the “hot stove” season as the BDFL buttons down for a long, cold winter before reemerging for the “Pony Draft” in the spring. Can Allyson steal Obama’s thunder in 2009 by writing her own bit of history? Stay tuned…

Smoke Rise Woosiers

The only thing rising in Woosierville is the stench from the dung heap the “Doo Crew” left behind in a dismal performance with 3rd place on the line in the BCS finale. To make matters worse for Tommy, he will now become the Great Wizardo’s favorite “whippin’ post” after replacing Bullet once the Benton crowd finally secured a legit title. If only the Woosiers had played their best line-up instead of winding their way through of labyrinth of formulas, they would have advanced past the first round, knocked Bullet out of the play offs, prevented a Hand/Slovensky from winning a BDFL championship, prolonged the “curse-that-shall-not-be-named”, and kept himself off the Wizardo’s hot seat. Alas, it was not to be…

Rocky Ridge Wildcat

The “Stoned Cats” pulled away late in the season to secure another division title, but once again found their championship dreams dashed in the first round before winning out to finish a mildly disappointing 5th. Still, a victory over the Wizards gives them a grand send off into the off season as Jerry once again cranks up the “Just Say No” express in route to the spring Pony Draft. Besides, since the BDFL champion must sit beside the Wildcats at the annual BDFL draft as way to balance the playing field for everyone else, it wouldn’t have helped Jerry very much anyway.

Pasco County Wizards

After waltzing to another division title and a #1 seed in the play offs, the Wizards victory parade down Dale Mabry Highway got sidetracked when they were run over by the Power Sleds in the quarterfinals thereby denying Merlin a third (legitimate) BDFL title. After watching his masterful draft day performance fall by the wayside at nut cuttin’ time, Wizard Consigliore Barry Stephenson vowed next year the “Pasco Pixies” would finish the deal by making an offer the rest of the BDFL peckin’ order won’t refuse. And an offer that will most likely made at gun point. Even after the season concluded, a still dazed and confused Wizard was heard muttering “Petersen…165 yards…five Viking touchdowns…none for Petersen…” Merlin hasn’t been this despondent since Dan Reeves ran four straight dive plays to “Mini-me” sized Warrick Dunn from the Colts one yard line instead of running the obvious bootleg with Michael Vick (the Wizard QB) that ultimately cost the Wizards a title to the Mayors.

“The Whizinator could screw up a wet dream.”

Wizard Consigliore Barry Stephenson commenting after the Wizards entered the play offs as the #1 seed only to lose in the first round, and doing so with Barry’s draft picks.

Magic City Mayors

Alan Arrington’s “Magic City Morons” delivered a largely uninspiring performance for the balance of 2008 before miraculously finding a way to get into the “Big Dance.” The Wizardo’s only explanation is the Mayors used the turnstile jumping strategy that James “Mouse” Burkett used so effectively at the Superdome for previous Bama trips to the Sugar Bowl. However, the Mayors promptly proved the glass slipper wouldn’t fit by being overmatched in their first two contests only to rebound by being “out-sorried” by the Warriors and eking out a meaningless 19-17 Week 17 stinker.

Black Creek Wooden Warriors

Jaimie Hand and the “Wood Dung Warriors” went to all the trouble of making a heroic charge late in the regular season to barely make the play offs, only to collapse like a cheap tent in losing three straight to finish a disappointing 8th as the only BCS competitor to not win a game in the championship bracket. D.K. Hand was even overheard saying “It’s hard to believe that boy sprang from my loins.” With rumors abounding that Jaimie wouldn’t be allowed back in the Brookside Knights of Columbus lodge until he redeemed himself. The Wizard says perhaps the lodge members shouldn’t worry about keeping the Wooden Warriors a warm chair.

North Canton Bootleggers

The “North Canton Carpetbaggers” took home a year’s supply of cloudy-eyed mullet after knocking off the Gamblers in a 43-31 thriller. Nevertheless, the victory and championship ring kind of hollow, similar to an NIT title. You can brag and beat your chest all you want, but in the end you’re still merely the best of the rest. Throw in the fact that most of the contestants were likely as soused as Cooter Brown and about as ready to play as Bama in the Sugar Bowl (The Wizardo is not being too hard on the Tide. It’s hard to lose a shot the SEC and a national championship shot only a few weeks earlier in a true know down drag out, no Tahiti blue dot title match.).

Gulf Coast Gamblers

Kenny Breal and the “Wagin’ Cajuns” played more like “No-eyed Jacks” this season after suffering through an abysmal 2008 campaign notching only six “dubyas”, two of which came in the BMS afterbirth, cementing their position on the bottom of the Red Neck Division. Perhaps this is why Bama Head Coach Nick Saban referred to Louisianans as “coon asses.” Given the Gamblers performance in 2008, especially given their historical front running status, it seems a fitting moniker.

Brookside Dogs

Similar to the Gamblers, just less the two titles and fielding anything seemingly close to a competitive team, Mark Burr and the “Coalburg Canine Curs” had a horrible season in 2008 although they did manage to put a little lipstick, for all the good it did, on this pig to “gussy” it up a bit by winning their last two games to take some of the sting out of yet another disappointing season. Fred Taylor’s rookie season, which was approximately 17 operations ago for the former Gator, the Dogs road Taylor to a strong 2nd place finish in the BDFL, but have not really sniffed a title since than. Unfortunately, the Great Wizardo says even if they bring out the bloodhounds it is unlikely a two game rumble in the BMS will do much to cure what ails the boy from Brookside.

Riverchase Cheetahs

A scant year after rolling to an unprecedented 3rd untainted BDFL title, Butch Neal and the “Sin Wagon” found out restin’ on their laurels, crossin’ the BDFL commish, and doin’ too many 12 ounce curls was not the way to defend a title. The Cheetahs never got untracked in 2008 and spent too much time whining about it to ever get back in the hunt.  Because of that and despite winning two out of the three in the BMS, the scent from the Cheetahs 2008 effort smelled a lot like the Riverchase Cathouse at low tide after Nickel Night.

Druid City Blitz

When push came to shove, Jerry Fritz and the “Squirmin’ Germans” melted like a snowman and warm winter’s day on the regular season’s final day to go from a BDFL championship series participant to a BMS “also ran” and 13th place. Still, the Blitz showed plenty of fight before losing their legs down the homestretch and figure to skip out on the 2008 draft and hope one of the Hand or James boys can draft him a contender in 2009.

Cool Springs Grenades

Over the years the BDFL’s Iron Hand has tried everything short of highway robbery in broad daylight to snatch a BDFL title, but has never been able to close the deal. 2008 held a promising start for the “Metal Monsters” before father time and injuries left their team in the local nursing home. A winning record and a respectable point total weren’t quite enough to get an invite the BDFL “Big Dance” leaving the Grenades careening to a disastrous 14th place finish. Nevertheless, the Commish has vowed to take home the title in 2009, even if it means disqualifying the other 15 teams. Even than, the Wizard says the Grenades would still likely finish no higher than 3rd.

Silver Lake Sloth Monsters

Although Mike Dismukes may know the penal code as good as any policemen on the beat and would never allow himself to be accused of carrying a concealed weapon, how to navigate the BDFL and capture an elusive 2nd title proved to be well beyond the “Limb Loungers” capacity. Were it not for the “Bullet Rule”, which bars teams with a losing record from winning a title, tainted though it may be, and besmirching the BDFL’s good name, the Sloths would have advanced to championship round with an impressive point total, but with very little to show for their efforts in the win column. After the Sloths posted one big number after another only to watch their opponent throw up even more, they finally appeared to lose heart and slid all the way to 15th place by season’s end.

Helena Fighting Slovaks

Rarely has one team put together such a pathetic excuse of a season as did Adam Slovensky and the Fighting Slovaks this past season. Not only did the Slovaks post the first zero in BDFL history, they managed to stay in single digits more the mercury in the Arctic Circle making that wretched goose egg more the norm than the exception. Rumor has it the Slovaks were shipped to Abu Grahib in Iraq for a fitting punishment to be meted out, and that they have to apply for reinstatement prior to next season’s draft. If said rumors are true, the Wizard thinks the Slovaks got off light.

The Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers won the prestigious 2008 Prognosticator of the Year (POTY) over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Year

D.K. Hand was even overheard saying, "It’s hard to believe that boy sprang from my loins"
 

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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