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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 8

Wooden Warriors vs. Grenades (P)

After wondering aloud if Chris Hand and the “Ironmen” were alive or dead or even had thoughts within their head, the rank ‘n file of the BDFL learned the Grenades still have a pulse as the regular season reaches its mid point. Nevertheless, the Grenades have a tough row to hoe if they harbor any illusions of qualifying for the play offs, but may get a little “G.P.A. therapy” this week when they welcome the Wolfback’s little brother Jaimie and the “Wandering Warriors” who have been about as lost as Moses and the twelve tribes of Israel for the better part of the year. The Warriors are coming off a stinging defeat from their arch rivals and, after a horrific start to 2006, face the distinct possibility of losing their “all-you-can-eat-for-life” exemption at the Family Buffet in Gardendale courtesy of Jaimie’s GHS football MVP award in 1981. From the looks of things, Jaimie and the Tribe may be going on a diet very soon, and a forced one at that.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Wizards vs. Power Sleds (-6.5)

The “Whizinators” urinated on their arch nemeses’, the Warriors, parade last Sunday and hope to do the same when they pay a visit to the Dolodome to battle the BDFL leading “Tread Locks” in a game with large play off implications for both. After delivering a rousing pre-game speech to the Tampa Bay Bucs’ defense last Sunday at RayJay stadium, the Wizard then watched Ronde Barber take two errant Donovan McBad passes to the house and push the wounded Wizards to victory. With free tickets, great seats, witnessing two defensive touchdowns that provided him with the margin of victory and an amazing 62 yard field goal to win the game with no time left, it would appear that Merlin’s day was near picture perfect. In fact, it was perfect until he realized that his car, along with about 40 to 50 others, had been towed from a K-Mart parking lot in a scam concocted between the landlord, the impound company, K-Mart, the towing company, and possibly the off duty cops that were standing guard at the scene of the crime. With no signs readily visible and the fact that the great majority of the people that parked their, including the Wiz, had spent copious amounts of money buying Bucs paraphernalia, it was readily available that everyone had been royally had. No wonder K-Mart is in bankruptcy and will likely eventually close its doors for good. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop Merlin from hurling terrifying curses at everyone involved in the debacle. After taking into account all of the good things that happened at the game compared to the towing incident, Merlin rated the game a push.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Mayors vs. Sloth Monsters (-5.5)

On the brink of play off elimination, Alan Arrington and the “Magic City Sycophants” lost another heartbreaker last weekend that pushes them to the very edge of the abyss. Planning to make the final push is Mike Dismukes and the “Wobblin’ Goblins” who lead the Greenhorns after another strong performance in Week 7. Since swearing off sobriety while selecting his starting line-up, the Sloths have soared to the top of their division and proved their theory valid in the process. The Great Wizardo says the Beatles did much the same thing while writing many of their hits only their stupor was drug induced. Unfortunately for Mukes, the Mayors will turn about to be the Sloth Monsters’ Yoko Ono while halting their skid and breaking up the Sloths run of success, even if it is only a temporary respite.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Cheetahs (-7.5) vs. Fighting Slovaks

It appears the “Beasts from the East”, Eastern Europe that is, may turn out to be paper tigers after all following an A.W. administered by fellow Greenhorn rival Mike Dismukes. After tumbling down to third place, Adam and the Slovaks have to rally the troops quickly to keep from getting routed by Butch Neal and his “Spotted Felines” this Sunday afternoon and dropping even further off the pace. The Cheetahs are in a fierce fire fight for control of the Graybeard Division and have separated themselves from the rest of the BDFL pack along with the Sleds, but still have to be wary of a Slovak team that is more than capable of mounting the Cheetahs on their trophy room wall. The Great Wizardo says a victory by the Cheetahs may be in the cards, but doesn’t think those same cards will be enough for them to cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Bullets (-4.5) vs. Dogs

The “Brookside Leg Hikers ‘n Leg Humpers” were undefeated and riding atop the Yellow Hammer a mere two weeks ago, but two defeats in quick succession have caused them to fall from their lofty perch to the basement of their division. Fortunately for Mark, he still has a very good record and is only a hand full of points from reclaiming what he considers to be his rightful throne. However, a third successive defeat is heading his way in the form of the “Corn Liquored Lowndes County Rebels”, who had been on a big roll until stubbing their toe in Smoke Rise last Sunday afternoon, if the Dogs don’t get back to showing more bite than bark. Bullet’s been to more than enough barbecues at Grandma Slovensky’s house across the way from Five Mile Crick Ballpark to know his way around the neighborhood and should be able to toss enough horse shoes in the Dog’s play off hopes to short circuit any chance Mark had of regaining his lost momentum. And cover to boot.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Woosiers vs. Wildcats (-2.5)

This season has been a rollercoaster ride for the “Who?siers” so far as they continually try to find an identity, hopefully in time to make a push for the play offs. Tommy Todd confidently predicted the Woosiers would struggle during the first half of the season due to poor match ups, which is one of the few things the Woosiers have done right through seven weeks, but also confidently predicted his charges would be perfectly positioned for a second half run. Thirty points out of the division lead and one game under .500 with seven games to qualify for the play offs is definitely enough time to make up the ground, but Tommy had best start this weekend when he visits the “Flopping Felines” Sunday afternoon. A mere eight points separate first and fourth place in the Yellow Hammer so Jerry James and the Wildcats are certainly in the thick of the race, but their biggest obstacle is a one and six record, which is a bigger threat to their play off dreams than anything else. The Great Wizardo always says there’s more than one way to skin a cat and that the Woosiers should know just enough of them to leave town with a victory. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Blades vs. Gamblers (-1.5)

Despite being in second place, Lyle Arrington and the “Alabaster Bean Counters” would be the Red Neck Division winner if the season ended today due to the Juggernauts, who are in first place, having only won a single contest. Nevertheless, the road from the penthouse to the outhouse in this division is more like a driveway than anything else so the Blades can hardly relax when they sit in for a few hands of Texas Hold’em with Kenny Breal and the “Barons of the Bayou.” The schedule maker has been particularly forgiving to the Gamblers this season and they have taken full advantage of it by posting five victories. Still, they trail the red hot Bullets and can ill afford to draw many bad hands the rest of the way if they harbor any hopes of going to the dance. Unfortunately for Kenny, he’ll most likely be dealt a “Deadman’s Hand” before the dealins’ done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Juggernauts (-3.5) vs. Bootleggers

Despite a sub-500 record, a strong Week 6 followed by a rousing Week 7 performance has vaulted the once woebegone “Judge Nots Lest-ye-be-judged” to the top of the Yellowhammer. However, leading the standings will be of no use unless the Juggernauts and Alyson can go on a dramatic run to pull their record up to .500 in the coming weeks. Meanwhile, the Bootleggers spent the first weeks of the season sticking their fingers up their rear end and now seem dedicated to doing the same with their feet in the second half of the season, which might be the closest they will come to being successful at anything in 2006. Look for the Nauts to roll over the Bootleggers while still finding plenty of time to keep their make-up perfectly intact.

Wizard’s Winner… the Juggernauts.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"In fact, it was perfect until he realized that his car, along with about 40 to 50 others, had been towed from a K-Mart parking lot in a scam concocted between the landlord, the impound company, K-Mart, the towing company, and possibly the off duty cops that were standing guard at the scene of the crime"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week II

"Nevertheless, it didn’t stop Merlin from hurling terrifying curses at everyone involved in the debacle. After taking into account all of the good things that happened at the game compared to the towing incident, Merlin rated the game a push"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week III

"Meanwhile, the Bootleggers spent the first weeks of the season sticking their fingers up their rear end and now seem dedicated to doing the same with their feet in the second half of the season, which might be the closest they will come to being successful at anything in 2006"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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