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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 17

Wildcats vs. Cheetahs

The easy life came to an abrupt end for the Wildcats last weekend after being on cruise control for much of the last half of the year. The “TopCats” had to come back up to ramming speed quickly and start playing for keeps again in the first round of the BDFL's “Final Four”. Fortunately for the Cats, they found enough of a climbing gear to cruise past the Gamblers, but will find themselves facing another little kitty in the form of the Cheetahs that has as much bite as roar. Butch Neal’s “Sin Wagon” had a rocky ride to the play-offs through their division, but rough rides have always been the preferred mode of transportation by the Cheetahs in the past and the chance at another one is highly unlikely to make the “Moanin’ Madames” run for cover any time soon. Shaun Alexander outscored the Wizards last week by himself with three touchdowns (as predicted by Iron Hand) propelling him into the lead for the NFL MVP in addition to also sending the Cheetahs to the finals. Although the Wildcats have led the league since Week One, they won’t be long enough in the tooth, or claw for that matter, to wrest the title away from the Cheetahs.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wizards vs. Gamblers

Although they’re forced to play by sense of smell, the deaf, dumb, and blind “Pinball Wizards” always got the replay the last half of the season, which helped them capture the Green Horn Divisional championship. However, division titles mean little to the supple-wristed Wizards, and a crushing defeat at the hands of the Cheetahs in the Final Four semi-finals will be sure to cast a pall over Merlin’s minions. Their opponent for the 2nd Fiddle Bowl, and the bucket of warm spit that goes with it, are the beaten and battered Gamblers. The wine and the women may be free down in the Bayou “Gator Country”, but that doesn’t mean that even given the chance you want to partake of either without taking the proper precautions, which may explain the recent demise of the Gamblers. While Brett Favre has been throwing interceptions at an alarming rate this year, the rest of the Gambler line-up has been so banged up it has sunk any chances the Gamblers had of adding to their trophy case. Unfortunately for Kenny, they won’t even have that warm bucket of spit to show for their troubles.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Grenades vs. PowerSleds

The “Nantucket Nadsmen” appeared to be on their way to a first ever division title and a place at the “Final Four” table that comes with it when the web spinners spun the Grenades a cruel twist of fate in the form of a gimpy-legged Stephen Davis who was one of several players that helped nip the Nads hopes in the bud after helping lift them to the top of the division, if only briefly. A crushing defeat of the fast fading Warriors not withstanding, the Grenades still have much to prove and can do so at the hands of a division rival, The Power Sleds.  The lonesome whistle of a train passing Jack’s Folsom Prison jail cell headed to San Antonio probably does little to blow his blues away after a chance at redemption slipped through his fingers in spite of a furious charge that rivaled that of even the Light Brigade. Of course, the charge of the Light Brigade, heroic as it was, ended up in defeat as did Jack’s quest for a third BDFL title. Nevertheless, the Sleds kept up their late season charge with a Week 16 victory and should do the same when they face the Grenades on Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

Wooden Warriors vs. Juggernauts

Multiple titles in his “other league” (Wizard’s Note: Not be confused with Jack’s “Friday Night League”.) not withstanding, Jaimie Hand and the “Sewer Suckers” will not even get to assume their usual position as the BDFL’s resident bridesmaid this year after a late season fade knocked them out of contention for the Green Horn Division belt in Week 15. After a spanking by big bro’ Chris last weekend, even finishing with a winning record is now in serious jeopardy when they face the Juggernauts on Sunday. The Great Wizardo has often mused that Brutus may have had a very good point when he said “first, let’s kill all of the lawyers”, which has been pretty much the same tact the members of the BDFL rank and file have taken with Allyson Edwards and her “Ambulance Chasers”, since her introduction to the league. Despite fading badly down the stretch, however, the Juggernauts were one of the premier teams in the BDFL at midseason and hope to use this weekend to gain some momentum heading into the 2006 campaign. A week 16 loss was not what the Jugs had in mind to gain that 2006 momentum, and this weekend will likely see more of the same with the “Woodskins” ready to burn Allyson’s chances of victory at the stake.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Dogs vs. Woosiers

Mark Burr’s “Hooches and Pooches” have yet to display even a single drop of pedigreed blood this year while Tommy Todd and the “Love Guns” have been firing blanks all season, but the self-inflicted pain that has been their meek title defense finally draws to its merciful end this weekend when the Woosiers battle the Dogs on Sunday afternoon. Despite both teams posting Week 16 victories, neither has much to hang their hat on in the season finale. The Dogs have long since sunk to the bottom of their division and lost interest while the Woosiers continue their Quixotic quest to try and make chicken salad out of chicken $%#!. The Woosiers should win this weekend, but the Wizard would still strongly recommend that Tommy use that chicken salad as fertilizer rather than serving it at his victory party.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Bullets vs. Mayors

The “Heart of Dixie Hooligans” may be suffering from a fierce hangover this Sunday after celebrating the new year at the Little Brown Jug in addition to getting 2005 as far in the rear view mirror of their Chevrolet with the peace sign, mag wheels, and four on the floor as possible after being passed by the Gamblers at the stripe in Week 15. After ‘out-sorrying” the Sloths in Week 16, they will have to reload quickly to take on the “Bacon-bakin’ Bureaucrats”, who are fresh off a beating of their kid brother Lyle. Alan Arrington’s BDFL title of just three years ago already seems positively medieval after suffering through several sub-par seasons since. Nevertheless, it is probably more than a little comfort for Alan and the “Spin Doctors” to look at their 2002 BDFL trophy while putting the finishing touches on what has become a particularly dismal season, especially after a strong first half of the year. Unfortunately for Alan, Dan Reeves is no longer in a coaching position to help the Mayors put another title on their mantle with some of his patented bone-headed calls, which has left the Mayors gasping for air, so look for the Bullets to win ugly early so they can get the best of the uglies.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Slovaks vs. Bootleggers

Adam Slovensky has found out the hard way that winning in the BDFL is much tougher than playing horse shoes at the Slovensky family’s annual 4th of July barbecue in Brookside, but Adam and the “Slaughtered Slovaks” will get plenty of time over what will surely be a long, cold winter to reflect on what may go down in history as the worst team in the storied past of the BDFL. However, before taking that break away from the weekly beatings they’ve been receiving, they’ll have to take the field against the “Bootlickers”, who may well be the second worst team in BDFL history. Haulin’ hooch down to Knoxville each week may be what the “Liquor Lackeys” do best, but rackin’ up victories in the rough and tumble world of the BDFL has been more a challenge for the “Thunder Valley Big Black Thrashin’ Machine”. Nevertheless, the Bootleggers get one last chance to see if their “Misty Mountain Moonshine” has enough kick to help them end the year on a positive note. Unfortunately for the Bootleggers, their home-brewed hooch will have about as much kick as bottled water, which even the Slovaks can down with relative ease.

Wizard’s Winners…the Slovaks.

Blades vs. Sloth Monsters

The “Sickle Slashers” just came back from a “Bloody Reunion” against big brother Alan in the first round of the play–offs where they lost enough blood to stock a blood bank, and after getting a quick transfusion the Blades are off again to conclude the 2005 campaign against the “Groovy Ghoulies”, who lost their groove this season and were never able to quite find it again. Despite lookin’ for the first place with a beer and a burger so to whip that “sumbitch” into, the Sloths have grown hungrier and thirstier as the season progressed. A Week 16 embarrassment did little to raise the Sloth Monsters’ spirits, and Week 17 promises more of the same.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Quote of the

Week

"Haulin’ hooch down to Knoxville each week may be what the “Liquor Lackeys” do best, but rackin’ up victories in the rough and tumble world of the BDFL has been more a challenge for the “Thunder Valley Big Black Thrashin’ Machine”. Nevertheless, the Bootleggers get one last chance to see if their “Misty Mountain Moonshine” has enough kick to help them end the year on a positive note"
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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