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From The Wizard

2009 Week 12

Cheetahs vs. Grenadiers

If you have a full head of hair, no gray streaks, and a flat belly, you might feel out of place this weekend when Butch Neal and the “Spotted Jungle Cats” head to Nashville to take on arch nemesis Chris Hand and the “Tennessee Tin Men”. After digging themselves into what amounts to an impossibly deep hole to climb out of, the Grenadiers have been piling up points during “garbage” time in recent weeks and would like nothing better than to add a few Cheetahs pelts to a growing list of BDFL competitors tacked up on their basement wall. Still, the Cheetahs always take care to hone their claws to razor sharp perfection before taking on the Grenadiers, but unfortunately the ambush the home team is laying for them will prove more than they can escape because Oz never gave nothin’ to the Tin Man, that he didn’t, didn’t already have.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

Bootleggers vs. Woosiers

It’s the “Boo Crew” versus the “Woo Crew” on Sunday afternoon as Tommy Todd and the Woosiers play host to the badly banged up and smokin’ big, black, block Dodge. After posting a zero two weeks ago, the Bootleggers managed to throw up a much more respectable 20 spot last week although it was in yet another losing effort. Unfortunately for the Bootleggers, things will only get tougher when they meet a Hayden buzz saw aimin’ to cut them down to size in short order. Although there’s not an unwrinkled fender on the Jon’s Dodge, the kind of body work the Woosiers have in mind is not likely to get the Bootleggers back up to race speed. Even worse for Jon, Tommy and the Woosiers, will find their guests have been already cut down to size enough that they may be able to finish the job with little more than a butter knife.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Power Sleds vs. Sloth Monsters

While the rest of the Green Horn Division has been trying to cultivate something under their collective noses that is most often found growin’ wild in other people’s backsides, Mike Dismukes and the “Groovy Ghoulies” have found their groove and begun to distance themselves from the pack in recent weeks as they begin to set their eyes on a possible 2nd BDFL crown. Standing in their way, however, is Scowlin’ Jack Barnes and his “Motor City Mad Men” who themselves are marching towards a possible division title and a date with destiny to win their 3rd BDFL title. Ultimately, when the dust settles on this clash of the titans, Mukes will find himself sitting safely inside the local choke ‘n puke where he can get a beer an’ a burger while Jack will be left to pick through the leftovers.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Dogs vs. Wizards

From the medieval age up through the Napoleanic wars, sieges were significantly more common than pitched battles, largely because of crude weapons that struggled to break down well fortified walls. Even during a supposedly chivalrous age, an era noticeable only for its shocking lack of chivalry, it was commonly know that the more a town resisted its invaders, the more pillaging and plunder they could expect if finally defeated. In fact, it was not uncommon for knights to tell their men that upon battering their way into a city after a long siege, that “if it has a prick, kill it…if it has teats, hump it”, perhaps an apropos way to describe a do-or-die week for Merlin and the “Magical Mystery Tour” as they host Mark Burr and the “Coalburg Bitches in Heat”, another team on the bubble trying to move itself to higher ground in the next three weeks. While a home field advantage can normally spell the difference in vict'ry and defeat in an evenly matched contest, it’s much more likely to spell the down fall of the Wizards, and possibly end any realistic chance they have of dancin’ come Week 15.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Wooden Warriors vs. Mayors

After tip toeing through most of the year on the backs of the schedule maker and Divine Providence, together with a sparkling record despite a number of very mediocre performances, Jaimie Hand and the “Splintered Splendors” finally saw Lady Luck turn her back on them against their bitter rivals, the Wizards, in a tough Week 11 loss. However, after getting thrown to the ground, the trampled Tribe will have to pick up their tomahawks, lick their wounds, and climb back on their horses in time to make the trip to Lawson Field to battle Alan Arrington and his “Jailed Court Jesters”, who lead the Graybeards, but are but a single game above the “Bullet Line” despite a Week 11 win over the Slovaks. Unfortunately for the Warriors, the slide will continue this week as they find Alan’s Jesters anything but funny and the schedule maker suddenly anything but nice.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Bullets vs. Wildcats

Jerry James and the “Bungling Bengals” managed to keep from getting pushed over the “Bullet Line”, which at press time was a dubious feat the entire Yellow Hammer Division was in danger of being dragged across, after nipping the Dogs last Sunday. However, they won’t have much time to pat themselves on the back or rest on their laurels when the “Stars ‘n Bars Brigade” marches into Rocky Ridge looking to give Jerry one final shove. While the Bullets tend to rely on the legs of the dynamic Adrian Petersen and the sometimes wobbly arm of Big Ben, the Wildcat attack is mostly airborne and relies on the prolific Drew Brees. The Bullets have qualified for the playoffs by reaching the magical seven win plateau, but are still locking horns with the Gamblers for supremacy in the Red Neck Division. At press time the Gamblers held a comfortable 14 point cushion over the Sleds in their Week 11 showdown, but with the bulk of the Jack’s gang set to strut their stuff on Monday night, a vict'ry is anything but assured, which would leave the Gamblers on the verge of folding, thereby handing the title to the Bullets. While the Bullets are known to wander off the reservation (UA) to find a good woman (AU) and good beer (also AU), they don’t plan to back into the play ffs and will likely leave the Cats making plans for Gulf Shores and getting their arms in shape for the annual mullet toss that goes with it.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Gamblers vs. Blitz

Kenny Breal’s “French Quarter Fanatics” will put their Bourbon Street turbans on for the trip up Highway 41 in the back of a Greyhound Bus to battle Jerry Fritz and the “Big Pharma Bohemians” in a game with major playoff implications although some not as straightforward as others. While the Gamblers must hold off Jack Barnes and a “Monday Night Miracle” in Week 11 to keep from getting pushed to the edge of the abyss while preparing for a must-win in Week 12, the Blitz have no real shot at taking the Yellow Hammer on points, but are the only team in the division approaching the magical .500 record. However, if the season ended today, the entire Yellow Hammer would be tossin’ mullets instead of dialing for dollars in the BDFL championship series. Fortunately for the Blitz, they still have three games to win two and qualify, which might be all they need to do given the state of the division, but may find the Gamblers ready to double down to keep their title hopes alive, too. Ultimately, the Blitz’s “Big Mac attack” in the form of the Eagles’ McNabb and McCoy will prove unable to get off the porch and pee in the tall grass with the other big dogs leaving the Gamblers a target rich environment.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Juggernauts

Allyson Edwards and the “Jugtown Jar Heads” have already made reservations for the mullet toss in Gulf Shores in true “if you’re gonna’ go ugly, go ugly early, that way you get the best of the uglies” style after dropping her ninth games of the season in Week 11. Joining her for the pick of the litter on the beach is Adam Slovensky and the “EuroPeons” who went from contender to pretender in just a few shorts weeks, a position that was cemented with another simply dreadful performance last Sunday afternoon. While the Juggernauts are genuinely bad, the Slovaks can only blame their troubles on, as a coach once told a young and impressionable Wizard/Apprentice many years ago after a poorly executed play, “drugs, alcohol, women, or a combination of the three.” The Wizard thought it might have been a compliment, though now he’s not so sure, and the Slovaks will likely see it the same way.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 46	ELVO 42

Latest Lines

2009 Week 12

FS @ JUG (P)

DOG (-1.5) @ WIZ

GAM (-2.5) @ BLZ

BOO @ WOO (-2.5)

CHE @ GRE (-3.5)

BUL (-4.5) @ WIL

PS @ SM (-5.5)

WW @ MAY (-6.5)

ALL TEAMS PLAYING

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"From the medieval age up through the Napoleanic wars, sieges were significantly more common than pitched battles, largely because of crude weapons that struggled to break down well fortified walls. Even during a supposedly chivalrous age, an era noticeable only for its shocking lack of chivalry, it was commonly know that the more a town resisted its invaders, the more pillaging and plunder they could expect if finally defeated."

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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