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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 15

Mayors vs. Juggernauts

Despite missing the chase for the championship, Allyson Edwards’ “Lincoln Vestal Virgins” proved they belong in the “good ol’ boys” club by throwing up some impressive numbers during the regular season although her big point totals were only able to land her a berth in the “Big Mullet” club instead. Nevertheless, Allyson can continue to prove her BDFL mettle by beating up some of her fellow BMS competitors in the coming weeks in preparation for 2007. However, her recent outings won’t make things any easier as the Juggernauts have rolled into the ditch in recent weeks, something Alan Arrington and his “Steel City Spin Doctors” hope to take advantage of on Sunday. The Mayors are yet another example of a team that rolled up big numbers yet find themselves relegated to trolling for mullet as the playoffs begin due to a poor record. Nevertheless, expect Alan to catch his limit early when he drops anchor on the Cahaba River Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Blades vs. Wildcats

Jerry James and the “Middlin’ Mud Cats” travel to North Shelby County to battle Lyle Arrington and the “Pelham Impalers” in another forgettable BMS series match-up that will do little more than give these two another chance to parade around the field for their respective sponsors although their sponsors may be better of if both squads stayed in their locker rooms. The Blades would struggle to cut through hot butter and although the Wildcats are hardly anything to brag about, the Great Wizardo says to expect the Cats to scratch their way to an ugly win.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Wizards vs. Fighting Slovaks

2006 has been an up and down ride for the “Pewter Pirates” (Wizard’s Note: “Pewter Pirates” is actually the name of a local Tampa media outlet that focuses entirely on the Bucs, kind of like The Birmingham News does with the University of Alabama, something the Great Wizardo had to mention to avoid a flurry of law suits.) although the cannons have thundered and the crew has plundered enough BDFL wrecks to go bowling for another title. However, after getting crushed by the Wooden Warriors and watching his dreams of a second straight division title follow suit, the Merlin’s only hopes of salvaging the season are running off three consecutive victories in route to the title, something that is far easier said than done. After setting the touchdown mark last season with 28 scores, Shaun Alexander has only found pay dirt three times in 2006. Unless he picks up the pace considerably, the Wizards will be quickly left for dead when they face intra-divisional foe and Green Horn champ Adam Slovensky and his “Sluggin’ Slovaks” who like nothing better than bringing the Wizards down a peg, something they have done with shocking regularity over the last couple of years. Nevertheless, in a homer pick no less…

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Grenades vs. Wooden Warriors

“Neurotic” is when someone marches to the beat of a very different drummer while being “psychotic” means that someone consistently loses touch with reality. The Great Wizardo would lean towards the latter in finding a place to put Chris Hand and his “Grenade Charades.” Despite no titles, virtually never threatening to win one, or finding the right combination of chicanery-filled tricks to steal a championship, the Grenades continue to live vicariously through the other three members of the Gray Beard Division, who have five titles between them, all while claiming the Grenades are the marquis franchise in the BDFL. Chris’ run for a title was quickly nipped in the bud this season relegating Chris to the land of the bottom feeders. Meanwhile, Jaimie Hand and the “Splendid Splinters” have often bent but not broken in the past, at least until the Big Daddy Bowl, but chose 2006 to prove they were not a one-trick pony and could fold like a cheap tent beginning on opening day. A recent scorching hot streak has done little other than position them for the BDFL’s equivalent of the NIT. However, to be fair the competition in the BMS may be as stiff as in the championship series when total points are factored into the equation. Nevertheless, ending the season by thrashing his arch enemy, the Wizards, gives Jaimie plenty to smile about this Sunday when he hosts big brother Chris in a Hand clan “Siblin’ Civil War” down on the reservation. And at the moment the Woodskins need a ray of sunshine after seeing themselves perched atop the Green Horn Division standings yet in a cruel twist of fate (due to the curse that shall remain nameless) find themselves on the outside looking in. Expect Jaimie to pour on the coals he’ll find in his BDFL stocking Christmas morning in route to a beating of the Grenades.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Sloth Monsters vs. PowerSleds

“Never doubt the Great Wizardo” is a moniker that has been heeded by many while others have failed to take this piece of advice and have suffered the consequences because of it. Case in point, the Great Wizardo told his “ol’ lady” some time ago that the Pasco County digs where they are currently renting is filled with more “white trash” than a New Jersey landfill. Of course, the “Wizardess” ignored the Great Wizardo’s comment attributing it to his “judgmental, negative attitude.” After multiple burglaries in the ‘hood (including one where the thief was not only the victim’s neighbor but also his “friend”) followed by a woman taking a wildly swerving joy ride last Friday morning that took her through no less than six yards destroying or damaging four mailboxes (one of which was the Wizard’s himself) and plowing through three lawns before finally taking out a fence, the Wizard’s “ol’ lady” admitted, “We have to get away from all of these rednecks. Now.” The point is the Great Wizardo said early in the season that Jack Barnes and the “Motor City Madmen” were ready to retake their seat atop the BDFL pecking order and the Sleds have done nothing to change that bold yet controversial prediction with the playoffs beginning on Sunday. First up are Mike Dismukes and his “Wobblin’ Goblins” who backed into the playoffs under cover of darkness and will very likely leave the same way.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

Dogs vs. Cheetahs

After coming perilously close to backing into the playoffs despite the lowest point total in the league, Mark Burr and the “Cardiff / Brookside Crime Dogs” were finally punted to the BMS where they will take their rightful place as the league’s lowest seed. Waiting for them this weekend will be Butch Neal and his “Lap Dancin’ Divas” who are eager to prove that being relegated to the second tier of the playoffs is hardly deserving of their lot in life.  The “Crime Dogs” will find a target rich environment of vices when they arrive at the Cat House this weekend but may do better by joining in the festivities because it is highly unlikely the home standing Cheetahs will heed their calls to halt anyway.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Gamblers vs. Bullets

After being dealt a “dead man’s hand” of aces over eights through the early part of the year, Kenny Breal and the resilient “Wagin’ Cajuns” rebounded to make a strong run down the stretch that landed them in the championship bracket of the playoffs. However, the Gamblers may be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire when their Greyhound bus traveling caravan heads up the Gypsy Road and across the infamous Edmund Pettis Bridge to Trey Pettimore Stadium to battle the Red Neck Division champion “Lowndes County Keg Crawlers.” Even worse, some key injuries last week have dulled the Gambler attack making it unlikely their quest for a third title will happen in 2006. In the end the Great Wizardo says the Gamblers will find themselves on the wrong of a gun, namely the cold, blue barrel of Bullet’s .38 Special.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Woosiers vs. Bootleggers

The Great Wizardo is not sure how Jon Wood’s big, black Dodge has stayed at full song all season although he strongly suspects some BDFL “chicanery” is involved. Nevertheless, the smell of whiskey burning down Copperhead Road last season has been replaced with the exhaust of the big rumblin’ Bootlegger Dodge headin’ down to Knoxville with the weekly load in 2006. And the Bootleggers will need to be dialed in perfectly in all four turns if they expect to bang fenders with Tommy Todd and “Mr. Mojo Risin’” in a Sunday afternoon hundred lap feature at Thunder Valley. The head Woosier accurately predicted his team would struggle during the first half of the regular season before picking up steam and roaring into the playoffs. The Great Wizardo expects little to change as the Woosiers continue their quest for a second title.

Wizard’s Winners…the Woosiers.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Case in point, the Great Wizardo told his “ol’ lady” some time ago that the Pasco County digs where they are currently renting is filled with more “white trash” than a New Jersey landfill. Of course, the “Wizardess” ignored the Great Wizardo’s comment attributing it to his “judgmental, negative attitude.” After multiple burglaries in the ‘hood (including one where the thief was not only the victim’s neighbor but also his “friend”) followed by a woman taking a wildly swerving joy ride last Friday morning that took her through no less than six yards destroying or damaging four mailboxes (one of which was the Wizard’s himself) and plowing through three lawns before finally taking out a fence, the Wizard’s “ol’ lady” admitted, “We have to get away from all of these rednecks. Now."

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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