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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 7

Grenades vs. Mayors

In a season gone horribly awry, Chris Hand and the “Radio Free Europeans” have learned first hand that video killed the radio star as well as any chances they had of bringing a first ever BDFL untainted title to the Hand / Slovensky clan after losing to the struggling Woosiers despite posting a respectable score. However, it would appear that fortune may finally smile on Chris this weekend when he returns to his old stompin’ grounds to take on the even more hapless “Pork-and-a-poke” gang Sunday afternoon at Fair Park. In what may be the longest losing streak in BDFL history, and certainly the longest any team has gone without posting a single victory, Alan Arrington is shaking every bush and looking under every rock for enough votes to get the Mayors off the snide. When bottom feeders battle the water is normally too murky to tell who is gaining the upper hand, not that anybody would care even if it was crystal clear. Nevertheless, the G.W. foresees the Mayors finally getting their first win of the year and driving the final nail into the Grenades' coffin.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Gamblers vs. Bootleggers

One week after posting an impressive win to breathe life back into their flagging title hopes, Kenny Breal and the “Voo Doo Vice Lords” travel to No Teeth, TN (Wizard’s Note: “Yeah, I’m stealing this from Bullet. So sue me.) looking to continue their climb back into contention at the expense of the “Fire ‘n Brimstone Hurlin’ Hootch Haulers” at Thunder Valley Sunday evening. Jon Wood has spent the better part of the season under the hood of his big black Dodge, but to no apparent avail because the Bootleggers have been well off on their set up all season and the G.W. fears the problem may be terminal and have them parked in the garage before much longer. Fortunately for the Bootleggers, the Gamblers have been drawing mostly garbage hands all season although last weekend saw them return to some of their former glory, if only for a short time. Assuming the Feds don’t decide to raid the game, look for the Gamblers to get enough home cookin’ from the home town dealers to rake in the pot.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Bullets vs. Woosiers

Despite a mildly legitimate claim to a BDFL title, Jerome Hand and his
Cotton Pickin’ Politicians” are still desperate for a title without an asterisk beside it, and 2006 may be the year they make a legitimate run. Sitting atop the Red Neck Division as they season approaches its midpoint, Bullet should have a relatively clear path to the play-offs since the balance of his division probably couldn’t pour p!$$ out of a boot, even if the directions were on the heel. The “Love Guns” hardly seem like the juggernaut of two years ago that basically went wire-to-wire in winning the BDFL title, but a Week 6 explosion not withstanding, this season has been largely forgettable. Bullet basically pulled a victory from out last week from somewhere north of his large intestine (he started Boller in desperation who then proceeded to come off the bench and score 12 points) and should be the favorite this weekend. However, in the end Bullet will find that ELVO has set the bar too high for him to clear.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Wizards vs. Wooden Warriors

In a “throw-out-the-record-book” BDFL contest, perhaps the fiercest rivalry in the league tales place Sunday afternoon at the Pump House in Fultondale when the Wizard and his “Lollipop Guild” play Jaimie Hand and the “Criminoles” in a one fall, no-holds-barred backyard brawl. These two are certainly bitter divisional foes, but their feud goes well beyond that back to little league football days when they played on different 70 lb. teams (Wizard’s Note: Jaimie used to where a red DuPont practice jersey over his pads. He was a big Gordo fan before being a Gordo fan was cool.), but has gotten even nastier over the years since rumors have swirled of Jaimie playing both sides of the fence in the infamous Kick Off Cash scandal of the late 1980’s by teaming up with the Wizard to apparently win the $800 prize by picking all games correctly and pulling the Houston Cougars out of the pack to score the most points, 63, as the tie breaker only to lose to some guy in Andalusia who also picked all of the winners and said the Cougars would score the most points with 64, which was what Houston actually did tally that fateful day. (Wizard’s Note II: Who in the h$!! picks one team out a 150 plus Division I schools to score 64 points instead of the more natural 63?) As of press time, numerous sightings of Jaimie carrying a brown paper bag in the Opp / Andalusia area shortly after the scandal erupted have not as yet been confirmed. The feud reached its boiling point last year when the Wizards ran the table to nip the Warriors for the Green Horn crown and Jaimie will be looking to even the score in Week 7. And even the score the Warriors will do.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors

Cheetahs vs. Power Sleds

The “Horny Hoover Hooligans” got deflated last weekend courtesy of the Benton Bullets and now must take to the road for a crucial showdown with “Mad Jack Barnes” and his “Mad Hatters” (Wizard’s Note: The term “mad as a hatter” origins are from when hat makers worked with mercury when making certain types of hats, particularly velvet ones. Since mercury is poisonous, something that was unknown until more recently, handling it on a daily basis would make the hatter temporarily insane hence the birth of the term.) with control of the rugged Gray Beard Division at stake. The Sleds have wrested the top spot of their division from the defending BDFL champion Cheetahs in recent weeks and now must stare down the consistently best franchise in the BDFL over the last several years on Sunday afternoon in order to stay atop their perch, a feat that is not made much, if any, easier by playing the Cheetahs at home. In the end, however, expect the Sin Wagon to be rockin’ its way to a huge victory and slide back into their favorite position… on top.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Sloth Monsters

Is it a changing of the guard in the Green Horn Division with the once woebegone Fighting Slovaks in first place, or is it a mere aberration? The Slovaks have been kicked out of every self-respecting country in Europe and were rapidly going through North America before turning things around this season. Nevertheless, close on his heels is Mike Dismukes and the “Monsters of the Midway”, who will get a golden opportunity to hang a loss on the Slovaks while also resuming command of the division at the same time. Home field advantage will be worth at least a six pack to Mukes, but it will ultimately not be enough to hold off the barbarians at the gate.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Blades vs. Dogs

The Blades and the Dogs are in a dead heat in the Yellow Hammer through six weeks and it is doubtful either team will be able to pull away from the other over the next several games. Nevertheless, Sunday afternoon will see a made-for-primetime meeting when Mark Burr breaks out the horse shoes and barbecue over at the old Slovensky place in time to entertain Lyle Arrington and the rejuvenated “Backwoods Bean Counters.” Lyle has been making efficient use of his pencils and erasers to hide what appears to be a lack of assets on his balance sheet, but some timely kicking and an opportunistic approach has more than made up for it. Unfortunately for Lyle, Mark Burr knows his way around an income statement and should have more than enough cash in the bank to keep his perfect record intact and cover the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Juggernauts vs. Wildcats

Alyson Edwards’ “Highway 119 Wonder Women” have looked more like “wandering women” in 2006 as they stagger from one defeat to the next in a string of losses that has firmly entrenched their spot, once again, as the quintessential bottom feeder. Though Alyson may have been feared on the athletic fields and equally as feared in the legal world today, it apparently doesn’t carry much mustard with the BDFL rank ‘n file where the décor is better suited to a courtroom brawler than the neatly pressed corporate types. Meanwhile, the relative lack of strength in the Yellow Hammer has kept Jerry James and the “Whiskey Rocky Ridge ‘n Rollers” in the hunt, but they will have to rely on more than a weak division if they expect their tepid division defense to have more bite than roar. Actually, both teams have realistic shots of climbing back into contention if they pull the right strings though ultimately da Bears won’t be around to pull the Wildcats out of the fire again this weekend meaning it will be the Juggernauts who will keep hope alive.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Bullet should have a relatively clear path to the play-offs since the balance of his division probably couldn’t pour p!$$ out of a boot, even if the directions were on the heel"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week II

"The term “mad as a hatter” origins are from when hat makers worked with mercury when making certain types of hats, particularly velvet ones. Since mercury is poisonous, something that was unknown until more recently, handling it on a daily basis would make the hatter temporarily insane hence the birth of the term"

Wizard's Quote

of the Week III

"In a “throw-out-the-record-book” BDFL contest, perhaps the fiercest rivalry in the league tales place Sunday afternoon at the Pump House in Fultondale when the Wizard and his “Lollipop Guild” play Jaimie Hand and the “Criminoles” in a one fall, no-holds-barred backyard brawl"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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