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The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

From The Wizard

2009 Week 16

Grenadiers vs. Bullets

After surviving a first round meltdown where they only lived to tell the tale because their opponents, the Gamblers, threw craps so often last Sunday evening they had to change their shorts more than a newborn. Nevertheless, struggling yet finding a way to move on is what the BDFL is all about, and no one better exemplifies that spirit than Chris Hand’s battered “Brentwood Battalion”, who plan to march to Prattville to regroup first before their winter offensive moves west to Copperhead Road, Trey Pettimore Stadium, and a whole host of “Rug Cuttin’ Confederates” awaiting their arrival for a semi-final showdown. Lest anyone think otherwise, the gloves will come off long before the Grenadiers cross the Edmund Pettus Bridge into Lowndes County in what will surely be a bloody reunion where prisoners will be given no quarter. This match up is even more remarkable in that the Grenadiers, who had long since been left for dead by everyone, except the Great Wizardo of course, managed to pull one foot out of the grave and the other off a banana peel to make this heroic run for the roses. On paper the Bullets look like shoo-ins for a date in the finals, but the Wizard says that date won’t be enough to cover the 5.5 points ELVO is layin’.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenadiers.

Cheetahs vs. Wooden Warriors

Takin’ on one of the Hand boys is never a picnic at the beach, but faced with the prospect of being amongst all three Hand boys in the BDFL semi-finals can be downright dangerous to one’s health. Nevertheless, if the “Coward of the County” opened up a can of industrial strength “whoop @$$” on the Gatlin boys after they deflowered Becky, then the “Deflowered Fe-Lions” can do the same. Nevertheless, it won’t be easy starting with a Sunday afternoon visit to the reservation to battle the “Black Crick Splintered Splendors” in the second of two semi-final contests. The Wizard is convinced the Wooden Warriors could dance blindfolded through a minefield and come out unscathed on the other side as evidenced by their charmed run through the BDFL this season. Nevertheless, there will be enough pressure on the Woodskins that if someone shoved a lump of coal up their collective butts the injuns would crap out the inevitable rabbit’s foot, but  a sparkling diamond would soon follow. ELVO likes the Warriors, but the Wizard ain’t so sure.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Woosiers vs. Gamblers

After collectively grabbing their throats and choking their way through utterly horrid performances, made even worse by their impeccably bad timing plus subpar performances by their opponents, the “Yoo Hoo Woo Crew” and the “Bayou Bandits” will try to salvage what’s left of their pride in the loser’s bracket of the BDCS after botching it in the quarters. With a combined score that would not have even toppled a tepid 17 point performance by the Grenadiers, it’s hard to imagine either team will come up for air long enough to play after drowning their sorrows, and BDFL title hopes, last weekend. As alluded to in an earlier prediction, the Gamblers left the casino after the game with little more than the shirts on their back and a barrel around their waste, but the Great Wizardo says expect them to come out rolling sevens from the drop of the green flag on Sunday, and with loaded dice if need be, leaving the Woosiers in their wake and gasping for yet more air.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Sloth Monsters vs. Mayors

Knowing their point total would have easily handed them a birth in the semifinals of the “Big Dance” in two of the other quarterfinal games, Alan Arrington and the “Royal Spin Doctors” have been in major spin mode all week explaining to their constituents that last weekend’s reversals were little more than a speed bump in their quest to establish a One World Order. Meanwhile, the “Silver Lakes Groovy Ghoulies” spent too much time tryin’ to “cultivate something under their noses that grows wild in other people’s backsides” to keep from getting scalped by the Wooden Warriors in the BDCS first round. Unfortunately for the Mayors and the Sloth Monsters, this wasn’t your typical Brookside/Abernant “two n’ cue” certified class “C”, Tahiti blue do only softball tournament where you could play, and lose, the first game while hung over, sober up between games, and roar back to win it all early Sunday morning. A single defeat was all that was necessary to dash their “sugar plum fairy” dreams of BDFL glory. Still, pride and braggin’ rights, if little else, will be on the line when these two square off in the loser’s bracket, and it’s a safe bet that by kick off everybody in the Mayor’s whole cell block will be doin’ the jailhouse rock. However, in the end it will be the Mayors that get sent to solitary confinement, and the Sloths that get a midnight reprieve from the governor, keeping them from “dancin’ at the end of Jem Bottom’s rope” while living to fight another day.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Wizards vs. PowerSleds

A humiliating defeat in the first round of the mullet toss added insult to injury for Jack Barnes and the “Mean Machine”, and subsequently sent them to the loser’s bracket of the loser’s series. Not quite what Jack had in mind after a point total that had him at the top of the BDFL mountain top all year. Meanwhile, his opponent, the “Pasco Pixie Pirates” played the role of “pretender” to Jack’s “contender” perfectly, setting themselves up for a possible beat down the Wizards won’t soon forget.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Blitz vs. Wildcats

The “Plodding Pachyderms” had best hope the long term memory elephants are known to have fails them miserably after first being banished to the Big Mullet series, and then quickly tossed into the loser’s bracket like a sack of garbage. While the team they share Bryant-Denney Stadium with is headed to the Rose Bowl to play for all the marbles, the Blitz are relegated to playing for a free appetizer at the local Gulf Shores choke ‘n puke. Joining them will be Jerry James and the “AristoCats” who done little in recent weeks to display their noble heritage leading the Great Wizardo to question whose groins they slithered from as well as their pedigree. Similar to the above match up, no one really cares who wins this game, the results of which will probably be relegated to the back page of the local papers, but for the record it will be the Wildcats that scratch out a victory while also covering.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Bootleggers vs. Fighting Slovaks

With absolutely nothing to play for after a season spent exposing the rest of the league and their legions of fans to one violently horrendous performance after another, the “Ohio Hooch Haulers” exploded for a 56 point effort, vomiting points from every orifice to hammer an otherwise strong effort by the Power Sleds, thereby proving the Wizard’s old  time-tested, mother-approved adage that “every dog has its day”, a feat that turned the rest of the BDFL on its ear. Not that such are unknown in human history. In fact, a British band played that old classic “The World Turned Upside Down” as the Redcoats surrendered to Washington and the French at Yorktown. Unfortunately for the Bootleggers, their day has come and gone, and the world will turn right side up again after they meet, and capitulate to, Adam Slovensky and the “Helena EuroPeons” on Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Juggernauts vs. Dogs

The merciful end is almost in sight for Allyson Edwards and the “Blunder Bras” after a season that could best be described as something only a mother could love. Nevertheless, a win in the first round of the Big Mullet series proved Allyson still has enough of the arm she rode to winning the “Most Athletic” award every year at GHS. Standing in her way is Mark Burr and the “Coalburg Canines” who got off the deck a week after being rudely kicked to the curb and out of the BDCS to move themselves in position to perhaps take home the Mullet title. In the end, the Dogs were a legitimate contender that suffered the “GD consequences” of violating the “Bullet Rule”, and are clearly superior to the Nauts. No matter the spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 57	ELVO 63

Latest Lines

2009 Week 16

GRE @ BUL (-5.5)

CHE @ WW (-1.5)

SM @ MAY (-4.5)

WOO @ GAM (-2.5)

BOO @ FS (P)

JUG @ DOG (-7.5)

WIZ @ PS (-6.5)

BLZ @ WIL (-3.5)

ALL TEAMS PLAYING

 

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Nevertheless, if the “Coward of the County” opened up a can of industrial strength “whoop @$$” on the Gatlin boys after they deflowered Becky, then the “Deflowered Fe-Lions” can do the same"

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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