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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 3

Grenades vs. Wizards

Throwing out the record books will be the order of the day when two of the bitterest of inter-divisional rivals square off at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa Sunday afternoon. Whether it’s a five star marquis match-up or a one star loser, sparks will most assuredly fly when Chris Hand and the “Boner Brigade” sail into Tampa Bay to trade broadsides at point blank range with Merlin and his “Magical Mystery Ship.” Since being banished from Greystone to the Tampa Bay area Merlin has noticed that with a  NFL franchise, a NHL club in the Lightning, and “gentlemen’s clubs” on virtually every street corner there is no shortage of “Bucs, pucks, and F#&^$” to choose from in the area. And the Wizards are hopeful that the visiting Grenades will find enough to keep them entertained long enough to allow them the chance to chalk up one in the win column for the home team. Fortunately for Merlin, when the smoke clears from the last cannon shot, it will be the Grenades chances for a rare road win that will be resting on the bottom of the bay.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Power Sleds vs. Wooden Warriors

Jaimie Hand and the “Dung Divin’ Diaper Dandies” have been going through the Pampers in record numbers this season after getting the crap kicked out of them in their first two outings. In fact, it may not be a bad idea for Jaimie to read the G.W.’s “Irrefutable Fact of Life # 17” that says “if you feel like your all thumbs, try pulling the other eight fingers out of your rear end before proceeding” in an effort to right a sinking ship. Meanwhile, Jack Barnes and the “Tractor Trailers” have been hitting on all cylinders so far this year and see no reason to ease out of the throttle when they hit the Black Crick reservation this weekend. The Wooden Warriors normally don’t begin to fade until the leaves begin to change colors, but apparently are trying to beat the Christmas rush this season after getting their snot lockers busted twice in the first two weeks, and the GW sees nothing in his crystal ball that says the A.W.’s being administered to the Woodskins will recede any time in the foreseeable future.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Sloth Monsters vs. Cheetahs

Fresh off a beat down of division foe Jaimie Hand and the Wooden Warriors, Mike Dismukes and the “Silver Lakes Sad Sacks” will try their hand down at the Riverchase Cathouse when they take on the defending BDFL champion “Mattress Dancin’ Divas” this weekend. The Cheetahs are off to a good start in 2006 and see the Sloths as an easy mark for their buxom bimbos, but had better come dressed, or undressed as the case may be, in their Sunday best if they expect to pluck the visitors bare. Ultimately, although the Sloth Monsters may have enough in their wallets to pony up for drinkin’ money for the better part of the evening, the G.W. says they won’t have enough dollar bills left to tip the ladies appropriately for their efforts and will find this happy hour showdown has a decidedly unhappy conclusion.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Mayors

Despite another dismal performance in Week 2 that is becoming par for the course, Adam Slovensky an his “Euro Trash” were able to shove aside the Kick Off Cash curse long enough to take down the Wizards in a similar performance to last year’s Week 2 debacle. Fortunately for Adam, Alan Arrington’s “Magic City Morons” may be even worse. Despite playing in the self-proclaimed “toughest division in the BDFL”, the Mayors would find themselves in or near the cellar in each of the other three divisions and his line-up doesn’t give the G.W. much cause to think that things will improve in the near future. The Mayors will continue to give stump speeches to anyone that will listen, but their “whistle stop campaign tour” appears to be sidetracked indefinitely.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Dogs vs. Woosiers

Anxious to erase the stench that was their tepid 2005 title defense, Tommy Todd and his “Smoke-em-if-ya-got-em” gang roared to the top of the Red Neck Division with a crushing Week 1 victory and are desperate to regain their form after a tough Week 2, and need to do so before Mark Burr and the “Fabulous Free Birds” flock to Smoke Rise this weekend. Both teams stand atop their respective divisions but know they can fall as quickly as they rose with a couple of bad outings at the mutual window. The G.W. isn’t convinced that either team is much more than a “paper tiger” and doesn’t think this weekend will do much to prove him right or wrong. Further, both have big time playmakers, but most are stuck with too many inept players around them to help lift either team above the fray for very long. Expect a tight game, but look for the home field advantage to tip the scales in favor of Tommy.

Wizard'sWinner…the Woosiers.

Wildcats vs. Bullets

The GW says that one day the “South’s gonna do it again”, but he also cautions that the South is very unlikely to begin that rise from the ashes in Benton, AL based on the early season performance of the “Stars ‘n Bars” bunch. Meanwhile, the path to another division championship hasn’t been quite as rocky a road for Jerry James’ “Finicky Felines”, but travelin’ through Copperhead Road is never easy and for those fortunate enough to make it to Trey Pettimore Stadium, they can always expect a less than kind reception from the local rabble. Fortunately for Jerry, the rabble in Benton is far tamer than in past years and he should find that his claws are more than sharp enough to take down any big game he finds in the area.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Bootleggers vs. Blades

The GW has always said that a telephone pole has about as many branches as the Bootleggers’ family tree, and two weeks into the young BDFL season it would appear that the “Snake Handling Hooch Haulers” gene pool is already runnin’ on empty after two dreadful outings. Although their opponents this weekend, the Blades, are normally a sure-fire cure for anything that ails a struggling BDFL team, the “Shank Slashers” may turn out to be yet another dose of bad medicine for the visiting Bootleggers. The GW says this one won’t be decided until the fat lady waddles out to center stage and belts out a few notes, but that in the end it will be the Blades bleeding the Bootleggers dry.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Gamblers vs. Juggernauts

The “Leeds Legal Eagles” must be hanging with the owls until the wee hours because during the day, particularly on Sundays, they have been doing anything but soaring with the eagles as their two losses out of the gate demonstrate. About as bad, the “One-armed Bayou Bandits” have hardly been any better although they did manage to post one in the win column in Week Two by being “out-sorried” by the Bullets. Despite it only being the third week of the year, a sense of urgency has already beginning to set in at both camps at the prospect of losing contact with their respective division leaders before the season even hits the first quarter pole. Another abysmal finish will put the Gamblers behind the eight ball and make it very difficult for them to climb back into the hunt before the 2007 draft while another disastrous week would reduce the ‘Nauts to burning bras for food.  

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.  

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"Since being banished from Greystone to the Tampa Bay area Merlin has noticed that with a  NFL franchise, a NHL club in the Lightning, and “gentlemen’s clubs” on virtually every street corner there is no shortage of “Bucs, pucks, and F#&^$” to choose from in the area"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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