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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 5

Bullets vs. Grenades

Chris Hand and his “War Pigs” are in full retreat after getting deep fried last Sunday by the Sleds and had best dig their fox holes a little deeper if they don’t want Oscar Mayer to pay them another visit this weekend when Bullet and his “Fat Fellas with their hair colored yella” pull into town in their Chevrolet with the peace sign, mag wheels, and four on the floor. The Bullets are showing the way in the Red Neck Division, but would find themselves in third place at best were they in a different one so there is not as much to crow about in Benton as one might think. ELVO likes the Bullets in this one and it’s hard to argue with him. The G.W. likes the Bullets here too…just not as much as ELVO. 

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Juggernauts vs. Wizards

Weeks Two and Three were most unkind to the “Pasco Pinball Pinheads”, but Merlin didn’t realize how badly the wheels had come off until he saw a couple of his tires come rollin’ by him on the backstretch. Fortunately for the Wizards, a quick pit stop under caution and some nifty air wrench work by the over-the-wall-gang had them back up to speed with fresh rubber in time to stun the Sloth Monsters in Week Four. However, piecing together a big day with little more than rubber bands and Elmer’s glue is not likely to keep the wheels on the “Mystery Machine” for long unless the Wizards come up with some long term solutions. Alyson Edwards and the “Bra Burners” will be the first to test the Wizards when they come to the Sunshine State this weekend. The Nauts are toiling at the bottom of the BDFL peckin’ order as usual and it’s hard to imagine they will do much to raise their lot in life, but they have a history of dealin’ the Wizards fit and a change of scenery isn’t likely to diminish that anytime soon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Wooden Warriors vs. Dogs

After a dismal one and three start to the season including a heartbreaking loss to his Cousin Vinny last Sunday, Jaimie now knows what his father meant when he sang about a lost highway because the “Woodskins” have wandered into the wilderness so far in 2006 and likely already have their hand poised to push the panic button if things don’t improve and do so quickly in the coming weeks. The road back to respectability starts out with a visit to Brookside to take on Mark Burr and the “Tire Biters” at Five Mile Crick Ballpark. The Dogs are in the thick of the Yellow Hammer Division race and would appear to be the odds on favorite to send the Wooden Warriors over to their Grandma’s house for some good home cookin’ after getting “two and cued” by the home team. However, the G.W. says the Warriors are better than their record indicates, something the Dogs will learn first hand come Sunday afternoon.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Sloth Monsters vs. Wildcats

The “Bessemer Bark Chewers” (Wizard’s Note: You can take the Sloth Monster out of Bessemer but you can’t take the Bessemer out of the Sloth Monster.) suffered a stinging defeat in Week Four despite a respectable score that keeps them atop the BDFL points leading Green Horn Division and after leaving a whole passel of points sitting on the bench prompting owner Mike Dismukes to declare he shall never again make out his starting line-up while sober. After watching the head Sloth down brewskis at a brisk pace during the Week 17 Big Daddy Bowl soiree in his swank Helena digs last year, the G.W. wasn’t aware Mukes had ever sobered up completely since then. Meanwhile, the “Cats in the Hat” have been bottled up most of the year and show few signs of clawing their way back into contention anytime soon. Along the same lines, the G.W. just can’t see Jerry busting out this weekend either no matter the corkscrew ELVO is giving them.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Mayors vs. Bootleggers

The only thing bright enough to require shades in the Bristol foothills is not the Bootlegger’s future but rather it’s the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road that’s lighting the night sky. And Jon Wood and his “Backwoods Bible Thumpers” had best hit their knees in prayer if they expect to make any type of run at the play-offs before things get out of hand, but the G.W. thinks even this will not be enough to keep Alan Arrington and his “Steel City Strutters” from leaving plenty of footprints on Bootlegger chests as a reminder that the campaign trail made a stop in Bristol. The local yokels don’t cotton to outsiders coming to town to tell them what to do, but will learn quickly that the Mayors will quickly get down to the business of rubbin’ their noses in doo-doo…and makin’ ‘em like it well before sunset.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Blades vs. Fighting Slovaks

In what would be considered an improbable match up that will have early season implications in the play off race, Lyle Arrington and the “Cahaba Clod Hoppers” rolled up an impressive total in Week 4 while Adam Slovensky and the “ASlo @r$eholes” were j-j-j-jive talkin’ their way to a second straight impressive Sunday that vaulted both teams to the top of their respective divisions making their Week 5 clash one of the marquis games of the week. The G.W.’s “Coach Ed Brucism of the Week” was when on the second day of fall practice of 1979 during morning stretching Coach Bruce was strolling among his charges and announced that the previous evenings physicals by Ol’ Doc Guffin revealed that the only thing wrong with anyone was “a little grass in the rectum” which completely ignored that virtually the entire team was pronounced to be color blind although extreme fatigue later proved to be the real culprit. In short, the Blades hope to give the Slovaks a bad case of “grass-in-the-rectum” disease by the time they catch the next bus home, but the visitors should have more than enough antibodies to fight off any real risk of infection.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Gamblers vs. Power Sleds

The weak-as-water Red Neck Division doesn’t sport a single team that would be any higher than third in the other BDFL divisions which has paid off handsomely for Kenny Breal and his “Tumblin’ Dice Terrors” after a tough start to the 2006 campaign. In spite of that tough start, Kenny has his team in 2nd place with only Bullet and the “Kick Off Cash Curse” albatross that hangs around his neck in front of him. Nevertheless, the Gamblers had better bring their best poker faces to the table when they invade the Dolodome in Detroit Rock City this weekend to play the “Tread Locks.” The Sleds have been making a living off an impressive kicking game that features two of the top strikers in the league, but they will need more than that if they hope to cover the generous line laid out by ELVO.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

Cheetahs vs. Woosiers

There’s a bad moon risin’ over Smoke Rise in the form of Butch Neal and his “Lap Dancin’ Lovelies” when the Sin Wagon rolls into Hayden to play Tommy Todd and the “West Blount Bong Bangers” in a game that features the past two BDFL champions squaring off this Sunday afternoon. The head Woosier had very little trouble scoring with the ladies back in the day (Wizard’s Note: He ruined more than a few beyond repair.) and would like to think the Cheetahs would also provide a fertile hunting ground for his troops. Unfortunately for Tommy, points for the Woosiers have been harder to pass than a kidney stone in recent weeks for and the G.W. doesn’t foretell a reversal of his fortunes this weekend.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"The G.W.’s “Coach Ed Brucism of the Week” was when on the second day of fall practice of 1979 during morning stretching Coach Bruce was strolling among his charges and announced that the previous evenings physicals by Ol’ Doc Guffin revealed that the only thing wrong with anyone was “a little grass in the rectum” which completely ignored that virtually the entire team was pronounced to be color blind although extreme fatigue later proved to be the real culprit"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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