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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 8

Grenades vs. Wizards

Yet another bitter rival in the form of the “Father Ryan Green Berets” awaits Merlin when he falls out of the sky into the Land of Oz this weekend. Although a few sub par weekends have left the “Nadsmen” acting more like Eunuchs recently, Week Seven saw a return to form for the Grenades that have them once gain chomping at the bit to go on the attack. Meanwhile, the Wizards have hardly followed the yellow brick road so far this season and seem to have no chance of returning to Kansas anytime soon making it an ideal time for the Grenades to roll out the heavy artillery to help send the Wiz back to the Midwest...the hard way. When two competing fantasy league commissioners (The Wizard, along with Jaimie, is the “Co-commissioner Dictator-for-Life” of the illustrious Godzilla Racin’ Series.) tangle, rest assured the fur will fly before the outcome is decided and this weekend will be no different. However, when the battle draws to its conclusion, it will be the Wizards who are forced to withdraw from the field of battle and into a long, sad retreat.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Power Sleds vs. Wooden Warriors

Jaimie Hand and the “Carson Road Doo Doo Pumpers” have lived up to their names the past few weeks, but got back on track and over the “Bullet Line” with a hard fought victory over their bitter rivals, the Wizards, last Sunday, and will look to pad their cushion a bit more when Jack Barnes’ “Midnight Train to Memphis” pulls into the Black Crick Station House Sunday afternoon. After slipping back in the GBD race, the “Slay Riders” vaulted back into contention after dealing the division leading Cheetahs a crushing blow in Week Seven, and will seek to capitalize on the momentum they gained at the expense of the Wooden Warriors. The “Woodskins” invent ways to win (the Big Daddy Bowl notwithstanding) and know that their time-tested, mother-approved  “they’re gonna’ git theirs, we just gotta’ get ours” approach has paid big dividends over the years, and the Wizard finds it hard to believe the Warriors will change tack anytime soon. However, by Sunday evening the Warriors may find this approach leaves them a little too deep in the doo doo to dig their way out.

Wizard’s Winner…Power Sleds.

 Fighting Slovaks vs. Mayors

In redefining ineptness for generations to come, Adam Slovensky and the “Red October Commies” continue to their slide into BDFL oblivion at a dizzying pace as the season’s midpoint arrives. And as the second half of the year kicks off there is little hope that the Slovaks can get off the floor long enough to offer any real resistance to their comrades in the BDFL. Meanwhile, Alan Arrington and the “Crony Connection” remain embroiled in the fiercest divisional battle in league history with a mere 27 points separating the entire GBD and have much to play for when the Slovaks arrive at Lawson Field Sunday afternoon. It took the Iron Curtain almost 50 years to collapse, but the Soviets didn’t have a Slovensky pouring the concrete and rolling out the barbed wire or, rest assured, it would have fallen much sooner.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Sloth Monsters vs. Cheetahs

Butch Neal has been rakin’ in the cash at the Boobie Bungalow all season, but got raked over the coals last Sunday when the PowerSleds pierced the Cheetahs veil of invincibility in impressive fashion. Despite getting road hard and put up wet in Week Seven, (Wizard’s Note: The Great Wizardo thinks riding the Cheetahs hard and putting them up wet is akin to throwing Brer’ Rabbit in the Briar Patch.) the “Fuzzy Felines” still sit atop the GBD with every intention of getting back to their winning ways at the expense of Mike Dismukes and the “Hoblin’ Goblins”, which may be bit tougher to do than a passing glance might indicate. ELVO will look at the point’s race and overreach on the spread, as he is so often prone to do, and set the line higher than the Cats can climb.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Dogs vs. Woosiers

Tommy Todd’s “Mat Meisters” may have rung up state wrestling titles with regularity at one time, but they have found defending a BDFL title to be much more difficult. So far in 2005, the Woosiers have found themselves pinned to the mat and staring at the gym ceiling with alarming frequency in what has amounted to a tepid defense of their 2004 crown. Meanwhile, the “White Trash Tirebiters” must have substituted Booger Bass, “Hot Dog” Sexton and Dwight Sloweez in Week Seven as their division title hopes took what may have been a fatal blow at the hands of the Blades. Don’t look for a television ratings bonanza on this match-up and you’re equally as unlikely to see it replayed during “Sweeps Week”. However, do expect the Dogs to hike their legs high enough to rain on Woo’s parade.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Bootleggers vs. Blades

A less than sterling performance by the Woods Brothers’ “Big Block Dodge” in Week Seven has left the “Hootch Haulin’ Hillbillies” with a lot of ground to make up when they fire the “Chotchikana County Sheriff’s Dodge” up on Sunday to go dirt track racin’ with Lyle Arrington and the “Wacky Weeds”. (Wizard’s Note: Despite repeatedly listening to Copperhead Road, the Wizardo has no idea what name is painted on the side of the sheriff’s car, and has opted to use his creative license to make one up instead. Of course, the Wizard seriously doubts that Steve Earl would be of any help in remembering the name anyway.) The Blades appear to be making laps for the sponsors at this point in the year, and it is a good bet the Bootleggers will send the visitors into the fence frequently when they drop the green flag and show the Blades how to pack some mud…Bootlegger style.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Gamblers vs. Juggernauts

After getting temporarily displaced by Hurricane Katrina, Kenny Breal and the “Ragin’ Cajuns” have set up shop down at the “Bayou La Batre Bingo Hall” at the Great Wizardo’s request. There’s nothing much special about Bayou La Batre other than the Wizard, as he has said before, just likes saying “Bayou La Batre”.  Nevertheless, a change in zip code has done little to dampen the Gamblers’ title hopes as the halfway mark of the BDFL season finds the Gamblers comfortably atop the Red Neck Division. However, there is precious little time for reflection with a road trip to Leeds on the agenda to play the vaunted “Rice Rockets”. Last week Allyson and the “Jugtown Jubilee” hit all the right notes as they served notice to the Wildcats and the rest of the league that they had no intentions of idling watching the Cats run away and hide from the rest of the Yellow Hammer Division. The “Ramblin’ Men” are used to road trips from their days rollin’ down Highway 41 on a Greyhound Bus, but with Allyson’s long ‘n dark, shiny ‘n black Cadillac off the rack and ready to go, the Nauts will not be denied.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Wildcats vs. Bullets

The “Lowndes County La Cosa Nostra” (Wizard’s Note: “La Cosa Nostra” is an Italian term for the mafia and means “the silent hand” for those of you who are culturally challenged.) found the proverbial “pig in a poke” last week and roared to not only a critical win, but to a big points day that, coupled with a tough afternoon for the Gamblers and Bootleggers, has the Bullets thundering back into the RND title mix. However, before the Bullets begin to rest on their laurels, they’ll have to deal with a bunch of angry Wildcats who are coming off their weakest effort of the year against their division rivals, the Juggernauts, and will likely be looking for someone to vent their frustration on come Sunday afternoon. The “James’ Gang” has sent a wave of terror racing through the BDFL in their sophomore season and not a bank teller or train conductor can feel completely safe from their claws. Although the Bullets will make the Cats an offer (albeit a “tainted” one) they think can’t be refused, refuse it the Cats shall do and will respond promptly by breaking a paw off in the home team.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Quote of the

Week

"The “Woodskins” invent ways to win (the Big Daddy Bowl notwithstanding) and know that their time-tested, mother-approved  “they’re gonna’ git theirs, we just gotta’ get ours” approach has paid big dividends over the years"

Quote of the

Week II

"It took the Iron Curtain almost 50 years to collapse, but the Soviets didn’t have a Slovensky pouring the concrete and rolling out the barbed wire or, rest assured, it would have fallen much sooner"
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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