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The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

From The Wizard

2009 Week 15

Cheetahs vs. Mayors

Dressed in leather and spikes after facing an abrupt dismissal from the BDFL championship series despite a number two ranking in the polls, Alan Arrington and his “Club Fed Prison Pols” were flashing duel handed horn signs and singing “Breakin’ the law, breakin’ the law…” in their best Judas Priest imitation after staving off elimination with a dominating performance in Week 14. Squaring off against them in round one will be Butch Neal and the “Sin Wagon”, a fellow Gray Beard Division member that the Mayors should be well acquainted with. Politics make strange bedfellows, at least according to the Wizard, and something tells him the Mayors have probably had more than a few rolls in the hay with Butch’s bimbos over the years, but familiarity breeds contempt, something the Cheetahs will find out the hard way come Sunday when the Mayors first kick them to the floor, and then eventually to the curb.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Grenadiers vs. Gamblers

After notching his 8th win of the season last week, Chris Hand and the “Mid State Militia” hunkered down in a hastily dug fox hole to see if their relatively paltry point total would be enough to send them packin’ for a trip to the BDFL’s “Big Dance.” The Great Wizardo says “they’re aren’t any atheists in fox holes” and strongly suspects the Grenadiers were clutching their rosary beads tight and tossing out more “Hail Marys” than Carters has liver pills all weekend, and it must have worked because while they’ll be marching south to the Gulf Coast this weekend, instead of staying on I-65, the Grenadiers will branch off on I-20 headed to New Orleans (with a stop off at Dreamland, no doubt, in the offing) to battle Kenny Breal and the “Cajun Card Sharks” who are red hot and peaking at just the right time. General Andrew Jackson once floated his army down the “Mighty Mississip” to open a can of whoop @SS on the British in New Orleans; a battle that actually occurred two weeks after a truce was signed formally ending the War of 1812, leading the Great Wizardo to think Jackson’s 3G coverage in south Louisiana must have been a little spotty. Unfortunately, the Grenadiers will not find the Gamblers nearly as easy to topple as their quest for a first title meets yet another disappointing conclusion.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Wooden Warriors vs. Sloth Monsters

Many moons ago the slapstick antics of Mukes and Albert Reeves were somewhat legendary, and often illegal. What many don’t realize is that Jaimie Hand was involved in more than a few of those escapades from Mike’s Handy Food Mart to points unknown, although admittedly he was probably preventing the other two from getting into trouble, or, more likely, bailing them out of it at odd hours. Because of that, perhaps it is fitting that these two old friends will be forced to Indian leg wrestle to see who gets the right to advance towards a possible BDFL title. The “Tree Hangers” pack something of a wallop that could easily knock the “Woodskins” off the war path they’ve been on much of the season, but the Great Wizardo says the Tribe should be able to climb back up in the saddle, should that happen, long enough to win, or at least cover.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Bullets vs. Woosiers

While the rest of the league was at the center of the ring slugging it out for the rights to advance to the championship round, the “Tommytown Toddlers” were slinking around under the cover of darkness, as they are wont to do, quietly positioning themselves to capture a spot in the BDCS. After securing said spot, the Woosiers now face the daunting task of shooting down the “Bean Town Bullies”, a team that made a lot of waves early on, but slowly faded to little more than a ripple by year’s end. Nevertheless, the Bullets definitely earned the right to battle for back-to-back championships as their tournament seeding indicates, a feat that has rarely been accomplished in BDFL history, and the opportunity to put another shiny BDFL trophy on their mantle to go with a single shiny one plus one that is badly tarnished. The Woosiers are also looking for another title as well after several near misses and, unfortunately for the Bullets, will be locked and loaded come Sunday afternoon, ready to mount and hang the Bullets’ carcass on their wall.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Bootleggers vs. PowerSleds

Despite a point total that has them high up in the BDFL pecking order, “Mad” Jack Barnes and the “Midnight Train to Memphis Express” will find themselves tossing mullets on Sunday afternoon instead of dialing for dollars in the BDCS. After looking around for others to pin the blame on proved a fruitless search, the Sleds finally saw the problem staring back at them in the mirror, proving the Wizard’s old adage that you “drive for show and putt for dough…”, a lesson from the Wizardo the PowerSleds would do well to heed. Nevertheless, a couple of weeks at the beach and few nights at the FloraBama, at least on the spot where it used to be, should prove therapeutic for Jack, and the Wizard figures the “Canton Carpetbaggers” won’t even last long enough to get their erstwhile bags unpacked before getting back on the next train headed back north of the Mason-Dixon.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

Juggernauts vs. Wildcats

Jerry James was heard muttering “Cut me Mick…cut me Mick” after a Week 14 beat down finally pushed him and the “Rocky Bal-boneheads” tumbling out of the BDFL championship picture for good. Fortunately for the Wildcats, when they finally regain consciousness, they’ll find the “Amazonian Ambulance Chasers” waiting to cure what ails them. Truth be known, the Juggernauts and their dreadful performance this season should, in addition to setting women’s rights back 50 years, see them in the back of the ambulance instead of running along side it. The Nauts went all in on Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears causing them to write checks they couldn’t cash, checks that ended up bouncing like a super ball from opening day through the end of the regular season. The Wizard says making chicken salad out of chicken $&*! is largely overrated, and that the Wildcats will prevail despite having to digest a very healthy point spread.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wizards

Despite two bites at the apple that would have given him the right to go dancin’, the intrepid “Spaceman Spiff”, intergalactic warrior, defender of the downtrodden, and hero to millions across the Milky Way, crashed and burned on both attempts, a disaster that finally sealed their ill-fated run at a third title. However, it’s unfair to say the wheels came off the Wizard’s “Magical Mystery Machine”, especially in light of the fact it spent most of the year up on blocks in Merlin’s front yard. Nevertheless, a chance to face their old nemesis, the Fighting Slovaks, should give the Wizards plenty of motivation to try and end the season on high note. Meanwhile, Adam Slovensky and the “Fainting Slovaks” are doing little more than making laps for the sponsors as their season winds to an utterly forgettable conclusion. After briefly appearing to strike fear in the hearts of their BDFL brethren, opponents of the Slovaks realized the discomfort was more likely caused by indigestion, a fact readily supported by a freefall through the standings that had the Slovaks resting comfortably near the bottom by midseason. And even though the Great Wizardo foresees a vict'ry on Sunday, he seriously doubts anyone will be tuned in to see it.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Blitz vs. Dogs

The “German Pachyderms” flirted with the playoffs all season before deciding to play the role of a tease late in the year, a move that sent them packing to the Big Mullet Series in Gulf Shores. Meeting them there, in what will be déjà vu for both squads, will be Mark Burr and the “Brookside FangDangos” in what could only be described as an ugly Blitz vict'ry that only a mother could love. Still, the Blitz’s playoff hopes had already vanished like a gnat fart in a windstorm the previous week, so an upset that snatched a BDSC playoff birth from the jaws of the Dogs was some consolation. However, the Dogs will be looking to avenge a heart breaking defeat at the expense of the Blitz on Sunday, leaving the Great Wizardo to politely suggest to Jerry that he and the Blitz not bring too much suntan lotion because their trip to the beach will end as quickly as it began.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

 BDFL Scorecard

Wizard 54	ELVO 58

Latest Lines

2009 Week 15

GRE @ GAM (-7.5)

CHE @ MAY (-5.5)

WW @ SM (-4.5)

BUL @ WOO (-3.5)

BOO @ PS (-9.5)

JUG @ WIL (-7.5)

BLZ @ DOG (-6.5)

FS @ WIZ (-6.5)

ALL TEAMS PLAYING

Prognosticator

of the Year

This is the highest award for fantasy football prognosticating. It is affectionally known as the POTY among fantasy football prognosticators and fantasy football handicappers. It is awarded annually to the best fantasy football prognosticator in the world. The POTY!

The POTY was captured by the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in 2008 with a 69-67 game vict'ry margin over the Wizard

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"General Andrew Jackson once floated his army down the “Mighty Mississip” to open a can of whoop @SS on the British in New Orleans; a battle that actually occurred two weeks after a truce was signed formally ending the War of 1812, leading the Great Wizardo to think Jackson’s 3G coverage in south Louisiana must have been a little spotty"

2009 Wisdom

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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