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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 4

Fighting Slovaks vs. Wooden Warriors

The G.W.’s Irrefutable Facts of Life #7, at least for the male members of the BDFL, says “don’t ever get caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl” and believes Jaimie Hand and the “Chop Stick Cherokees” would do well to heed his advice after completely failing to answer the bell for the start of the BDFL season. Meanwhile, Cousin Adam and the “Slovakian Slugs” are hardly any better as the season enters Week 4. However, the difference is the league members expect the Slovaks to pull up the caboose of the train each week while the Wooden Warriors normally set the pace, at least until fall is in full swing. The Slovaks are holding up their end of the bargain, but it’s the woeful Warriors that are struggling mightily and nary a leaf has fallen. Nevertheless, the G.W. sees a healthy Portis paving the pathway to victory over the Slovaks although it will likely be ugly.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.

Wizards vs. Sloth Monsters

The supple-wristed “Tampa Tilt Titans” sure play a mean pin ball, but their BDFL performance in 2006 has been uneven at best, and if they have any designs on capturing another division title it may likely have to run through the rolling hills of Silver Lakes where Mike Dismukes and the “Silver Safari Surfers” await their arrival. Since being annexed into Helena, not only have property values escalated but so has the chance for Helena to finally field a competitive BDFL franchise. With one BDFL trophy – and the year’s supply of Golden Flake potato chips and Barber’s milk that went along with it - on the mantle, the Sloth Monsters are eager to get back to the top and have shown the chops to make that climb so far this season. These two teams look to be evenly matched on paper, but key injuries have weakened the Wizard’s potion to little more than chicken broth heading into Week 4.

Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.

Power Sleds vs. Grenades

After two dismal outings, Chris finally “rode the tanks in the generals’ ranks, when the blitzkrieg raged and the bodies stank” after proceeding to maul the Wizards last Sunday afternoon, and look forward to getting a little more sympathy this weekend when they welcome Jack Barnes and the Power Sleds to Brentwood. Things had been going much better for the “Larry Lankford Lackeys” before stumbling badly on the Reservation in Week 3. Nevertheless, the return of the “L” train should put a little more bounce back into Jack’s step come Sunday. The G.W.’s Irrefutable Fact of Life #11 says “don’t ask me no questions, and I won’t tell you no lies…so don’t ask no stupid questions and I won’t send you away”, which might be an appropriate tack for Chris to take with his Grenades in order to keep them from packing their bags before the season even reaches the first quarter pole. A victory in Week 3 got the moving van out their front yard, but the Grenades may want to keep it on reserve just in case. Nevertheless, ELVO is giving too much credit to the Sleds.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Woosiers vs. Gamblers

After setting the pace through the first two weeks, it appears that Tommy Todd’s “Lobotomy-and-some-tights” terrors found out they were afraid of heights and came crashing back down to earth in Hindenburg-like fashion last Sunday. Fortunately for the Woosiers, a trip down to the Bayou to play the “Voo Doo Dolls” is next on the agenda and should be a tonic for their battered and bruised egos. The once mighty Gamblers were drawing a “dead man’s hand” the first two weeks of the year, but finally drew a flush last weekend that put some badly needed wind back in their sails, and the G.W. thinks Kenny will be able to deal himself enough cards, from the bottom of the deck if necessary, to send the Woosiers home empty-handed.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Juggernauts vs. Blades

Alyson Edwards and the “Nurse Ratchet Rockets” find themselves in a familiar position at the bottom of the Red Neck Division through three weeks of play and had best fill up with some high octane fuel in the near future if they don’t want their season to go the way of the Edsel. Meanwhile, despite a heartbreaking loss to the Bootleggers last week, Lyle’s “Hashish Hooligans” are tucked tightly on the heels of the Dogs for second place in their division. Another impressive showing may have the Blades pacing the pack, but first they’ll have to dispatch of the Juggernauts down on the sod farm Sunday afternoon. Something that will be much easier said than done.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Wildcats vs. Dogs

Mark Burr and the “Bone Buriers” host Jerry James and his “Cats On a Hot Tin Roof” this weekend in Brookside and Jerry’s kids had best have their backs arched and hackles up when they arrive after a horrid Week 3 has them floundering in the standings. When the chase begins it will be the Dogs at the front of the pack with an undefeated record and the second highest point total in the BDFL. The Cats’ “Just Say No” approach was the ticket to a division title in 2005, but it has hardly been helped Jerry repeat the success of just a year ago. So far the likelihood of the Cats getting their tickets punched to another title seem far less likely than getting punched in the puss. Nevertheless, in the end the Dogs may not have their tails tucked, but they won’t cover either.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Bullets vs. Bootleggers

The moonshine will be flowing in rivers this weekend when the “Lowndes County Ramblin’ Rebels” hop a Greyhound bus and head up Highway 41 to pay a visit to Misty Mountain to battle Jon Wood and his “Banjo-pickin’ Mud Packers” in a key intra-divisional match-up in the Red Neck Division. In the past few years using the word “key” in the same sentence with either of these two teams normally involved the keys and directions to the nearest outhouse, but so far both are in a close contest for control of first place and Sunday afternoon could help alter the landscape significantly. About the only the thing these two can agree on is that marryin’ off their men-folk to virgins doesn’t make much sense because they figure if the women isn’t good enough for their own families, they ain’t good enough for their’s either. Once all the gin is scooped out of the bath tubs, the G.W. ultimately sees the home team staggering off with a hard fought victory.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.

Mayors vs. Cheetahs

Expect a run on Grecian Formula, Rogaine, and Geritol at the local drug stores this weekend in Riverchase when the geezers and wheezers meet Sunday afternoon down at the Cat House. Butch Neal and the defending champion “Cheaters” have prospered much in recent years, but find themselves in a red hot battle in the Gray Beard Division with three teams within two points of first place. One of that terrible trio will be in town this weekend when Alan Arrington and the “Spin Doctors” pull into Riverchase with their soap box and canned stump speeches ready to go. The G.W.’s “Irrefutable Fact of Life #8” says that “politics makes strange bedfellows and strange bedfellows are often politicians” meaning that Alan’s bureaucrats should feel more than welcome when they arrive and will likely know many of the ladies at the local establishment much better than they would ever admit. The Cheetahs are known for having more than enough lead in their pencils, but will find it won’t help much if they don’t have a pencil sharpener handy.

Wizard’s Winner…the Mayors.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"The moonshine will be flowing in rivers this weekend when the “Lowndes County Ramblin’ Rebels” hop a Greyhound bus and head up Highway 41 to pay a visit to Misty Mountain to battle Jon Wood and his “Banjo-pickin’ Mud Packers” in a key intra-divisional match-up in the Red Neck Division"

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

2005 Back Big Daddies: w1  w2  w3  w4  w5  w6  w7  w8  w9  w10  w11  w12  w13  w14  w15  w16  w17

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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