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 TheBDFL.com          WIZARDZ WINNERZ                       2008

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From the crystal ball

The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

From The Wizard

Week 5

As a Wizardz Winnerz bonus (not to be confused with the “Charles Patterson Extra Round”), the Wizardo is allowing the rest of the BDFL minions to submit their own clever nicknames for the Wizard to use in his Week 7 brilliant, controversial, witty, and always informative prognostications. These types of things should only be attempted by a trained professional such as the Wizard. Nevertheless, in his graciousness he is willing to allow this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. You can thank him for his show of magnanimity later. On to the picks..

Cheetahs vs. Wizards

Normally Butch Neal and his “Plastic Pumped Pussy Cats” eagerly pile into the back of the Riverchase “Sin Wagon” (kind of like in the opening of The Beverly Hillbillies except with a lot more Ellie Maes than Jethros, Jeds, and Grannys) for the trip to Tampa Town where they can strut their stuff on any one of the 49 “gentlemen’s clubs” and counting in the Bay area. However, greeting them this year will be an angry bunch of “Pasco Pirates” who are much more akin to having folks walk the plank than tucking dollar bills in the “nether regions” of the many lovely young ladies in town. The Cheetahs drive for an unprecedented 4th title was put in serious jeopardy by some BDFL hierarchy “chicanery” before the season even started and things have only gotten worse since than with injuries piling up like chord wood. While the Cheetahs will find plenty of stage poles to wrap their legs around, points will be much harder to come by against the stingy Wizards.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Mayors vs. Grenades

Chris Hand and his “Grecian Formula Grenadiers” have posted impressive point totals the last two weeks, but have only managed a win and a loss by the slimmest of margins for their efforts. Nevertheless, the Grenades are above the “Bullet Line”, not to be confused with the “Mendoza Line” or “Ol’ Man Kelsie’s Creek Line”, and still have the makings of a serious contender. However, their path to BDFL glory must go through Alan Arrington and his “Left Leaning Commie Libs” in Week Five to stay on track. Being part of the normally hotly contested Gray Beard Division, these two are natural rivals and harbor little good will towards each other, something that will be readily apparent soon after the opening kick off. To add fuel to the fire, Chris has started a campaign to have Alan stripped of his 1979 “Best Dressed” award at good ol’ GHS, which has not sat well with the Mayors who spent countless hours in front of the mirror primping and a considerable amount of cash to lock down the award. Unfortunately for Alan, the Great Wizardo thinks their sporty 3-1 record is little more than a “paper tiger” that the Grenades will expose for what it truly is come Sunday.

Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.

Bullets vs. PowerSleds

It may be 8:00 in Boise, ID, but if Bullet and the “Dixie Militia” don’t get a handle on their scoring woes the clock will soon strike midnight on their chances of finally removing the taint of the tarnished title that has plagued them since capturing that illegitimate BDFL crown in 1997.  Standing in their way are the newly rejuvenated “Fairfield Jack-in-the-Boxes”, who despite stumbling badly in Week Four are still 3 – 1 and sit alone atop the fierce Gray Beard Division. Jack is sure to have the Dolodome faithful rockin’ when the Bullets come knockin’, and the visitors may discover it’s much harder than it looks to line up the PowerSleds in their gun sites. Now the Wizard never did much like jack-in-the-boxes (poppin’ up out of that box to the tune of “Pop Goes the Weasel” never did sit well with a young, impressionable Wizard back in the day), but still believes when the dust settles the Sleds will still be atop the Gray Beard while the Bullets will be left with gathering up their gray clad soldiers for the long march to Prattville to regroup.

Wizard’s Winner…the PowerSleds.

Woosiers vs. Fighting Slovaks

Tommy Todd’s “Smoke Rise Grinnin’ Grapplers” settled back to earth last week after racing out to three straight wins, a strong point total, and a one-time all-you-can-eat “Big Country Breakfast” pass to Stuckey’s just off of the Hayden exit on I-65 when his Woosiers were soundly trounced last weekend. On the other side, Adam Slovensky and the “Fighting FUBAR’s” opened a big sack of “Whoop @$$” in Week Four, and have been struttin’ like the cock ‘o the walk ever since. However, the Slovaks had best store their laurels and get about their business before the Woosiers arrive because the Great Wizardo says the Woo Crew will be eager to get back in the win column at the expense of the Slovaks, and may well do so if the Slovaks don’t cinch their pads a little tighter and suck their guts up for what promises to be a “snot locker” game. The Woosiers already have the respect that comes with a BDFL title while the Slovaks are looking to discard their title as the league doormat. In the BDFL’s “Thunderdome Rule”, two must enter the arena, but only one can leave.

Wizard’s Winner…the Woosiers.

Bootleggers vs. Sloth Monsters

It is apparent to the Great Wizardo, though perhaps not to the rest of his minions, that Mike Dismukes and the “Lake Cyrus Tree Huggers” have offended the BDFL schedule maker because despite repeatedly strong performances (save a Week Three beat down by the Cats) the Sloth Monsters find themselves on the wrong side of a 1 – 3 record. Nevertheless, the schedule make “giveth” and he also “taketh” away so perhaps this Sunday may be when the pendulum swings back towards the “Tree Hangers.”  First up to test the Wizard’s theory is Jon Wood and the “Canton Carpetbaggers”. The Bootleggers have struggled mightily since taking their big, black Johnson County Sheriff’s Dodge north to Ohio although one could easily argue the Bootleggers didn’t fare to well when they were south of the Mason-Dixon line either. Regardless, the Bootleggers best not expect the red carpet treatment when they arrive because the Wizard suspects Jon will quickly learn, as did Neil Young, that “a southern man don’t need him around anyhow.”

Wizard’s Winner…The Sloth Monsters.

Wildcats vs. Gamblers

The Great Wizardo has always been fond of sayin’ there are few things meaner and more ornery than a wet cat, a sayin’ that gained a great deal of validity after the “Chemical Cats” mercurial explosion in Week Three. Despite a Week Four return to sanity, the Wildcats are still a very dangerous team and could easily find their predatory predilections carrying them far in their quest for BDFL glory. Meanwhile, Kenny Breal and his “Creole Crawfish” look to be a “middle-of the-road” type of team at best despite harboring two BDFL titles back in their fancy Gulf Coast digs. While Kenny will definitely have the rowdy Cajuns on his side Sunday afternoon, the Gamblers will still find they are the hunted rather than the hunter.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.    

Juggernauts vs. Blitz

The Wizard always says you should never hit a lady and still stands by that old adage. Although the rest of the BDFL rank ‘n file may agree with the Wizardo in that respect, evidently that saying does not include administering “A.W.’s” with alarming regularity to the “gentler” sex in the guise of the Juggernauts. Nevertheless, stringing together a pair of victories, even if they were hardly inspiring ones, have helped salve the wounded pride of the “Mt. Fuji Feminazis” heading into Week Five of the regular season. Waiting for the Nauts at the end of I-20 is Jerry Fritz and the “Tusk Toters” who rolled up an impressive 42 points in barely overcoming a strong effort by the Sloth Monsters last Sunday afternoon. While recent performances would indicate, on the surface at least, that the Blitz will sack the Nauts this Sunday since the visitors from Talladega County have both kickers taking the week off, only a prognosticator with the Wizard’s preternatural prognosticating skills can see beyond the obvious and know that with no Brett Favre miracles on tap (or any quarterback miracles for that matter) the Juggernauts will string together their third straight win at the expense of the Blitz. Or at least will cover the spread which is all the Wiz cares about anyway.

Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.

Wooden Warriors vs. Dogs

The “Black Crick Splendid Splinters” lived up to their name in Week Four after administering a near “A.W.” on the defending champion Cheetahs, but will hardly have time to rest on their laurels before making the trek down Fieldstown Road to Brookside though not before stopping off at D.K. and Mary Ann’s house to get a load of clothes washed and a big heaping helping of whatever’s on the stove. Even after getting back on the road the Warriors will likely stop again after getting to Brookside to see if they can dig up any leftover ribs out of Grandma Slovensky’s fridge from the 4th of July barbecue before finally waddling over to Five Mile Crick Ballpark to take on Mark Burr and the “Bouncing Rubber Baby Buggy Bankers.” The Dogs have a dismal 1 – 3 record but were a tough luck loser last week to the Grenades and the BDFL Schedulemaker. However, every dog has its day; something Jaimie will discover on Sunday in what will turn out to be a dog day afternoon for the Wooden Warriors.

Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.

Wizard's Quote

of the Week

"On the other side, Adam Slovensky and the “Fighting FUBAR’s” opened a big sack of “Whoop @$$” in Week Four, and have been struttin’ like the cock ‘o the walk ever since. However, the Slovaks had best store their laurels and get about their business before the Woosiers arrive because the Great Wizardo says the Woo Crew will be eager to get back in the win column at the expense of the Slovaks, and may well do so if the Slovaks don’t cinch their pads a little tighter and suck their guts up for what promises to be a “snot locker” game"

2008 Wisdom

2007 Wisdom

2006 Wisdom

Past Wisdom

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blitz | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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