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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Week 14

Grenades vs. Power Sleds

It appears that Big Ben has finally struck midnight on Chris Hand and his Grenades’ chances for a first ever BDFL title. After blasting to the front of the Gray Beard Division in the middle of the year behind a gimpy-kneed running back from Auburn who was over rated, even when he was in college, the “Brentwood Blitzkrieg” has been stopped dead in its tracks despite the return of Ben Roethlisberger, who has looked very shaky since returning to the line-up. The weeks of former AU running back Stephen Davis posting lines such as “29 yards, 17 carries, 2 touchdowns” are over leaving Chris with a too many knives on the way to a gun fight. Speaking of a team trying to make tracks, and do so in a very big hurry, Jack Barnes and the “Electric Light Locomotives” are down to their last tender ham in their quest for a first BDFL title in the modern live-ball era of the BDFL. Larry Johnson has proved to be a catalyst for Jack since taking over in K.C. for the injured Priest Holmes and has the Sleds on the march. Although the Grenades have always been fond of the smell of fresh napalm in the morning, the Wizardo says they may not like the whiff of something else quite as much, the smell of defeat.

Wizard’s Winner…the Power Sleds.

Wizards vs. Sloth Monsters

Merlin and the “Dream Police” have been making an improbable run at the play offs over the last month of the season and still harbors hopes of squeezing in after next weekend while Mike Dismukes and the “Transylvanian Tree Huggers” have been racking up victories, but may be a little light in the loafers when it comes to point totals in the Green Horn Division. Both teams are desperately trying to run down the division leading Wooden Warriors, but are seeing their chances began to dwindle quickly as the end of the regular season stands but one week away. The Sloth Monsters have one last chance to make a major move in the standings before the lights officially go out on their championship dreams, but the Wizards will likely toss the Sloth Monsters and their dreams under the jail and throw away the keys by day’s end.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.

Cheetahs vs. Mayors

Receding hairlines and expanding waistlines will be the order of the day when Alan Arrington and the “Pork Pushers” welcome fellow GBD rival Butch Neal and the “Sin Wagon” to Legion Field Sunday afternoon. Alan’s poll numbers are barely registering as the season draws to a close, but the Mayors could at least salvage some respect by bagging some big game in the form of the Cheetahs when they kick off the “City Hall Safari” this weekend. The Cheetahs have managed to put some distance between them and their fellow division rivals in recent weeks, but can’t let off the hammer if they expect to continue setting the pace. Unfortunately for the Mayors, the hunters will quickly become the hunted on Sunday and will likely end up as the main course for the Cheetah’s victory feast.

Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.

Bootleggers vs. Bullets

The “Back Row Baptist Fire ‘n Brimstone Hurlers” had the highest of hopes at the beginning of the year of raining down enough of their home-brewed firewater on the rest of the league so that their fellow competitors would quickly start pairing up and looking for an ark. Alas, it was not to be after a promising start quickly fell into disrepair and has continued to spiral downwards ever since. Meanwhile, the “Dallas County Dixiecrats” had a less than inspiring start but caught fire at mid-season and are in the thick of their division scramble “battle royale”, and see little reason that their ample supply of red tape can’t wrap up the Red Neck Division post haste. Jon Wood and the Bootleggers would dearly love to strike a blow for the “Bristol Boys” this weekend but the Wizard says their big, block Dodge is no match for Bullet’s Chevrolet with the peace sign, mag wheels, and four on the floor.

Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.

Wooden Warriors vs. Fighting Slovaks

The trouble with Slovakia is…it’s full of Slovaks, which leads the Wizard to believe it would have been better for the U.S. to allow kudzu to be imported again if it meant keeping the Slovaks on the other side of the “Big Pond”. After the collapse of the Berlin Walls, even the Europeans knew not to let the Slovaks form their own country like every other ethnic group. Unfortunately, the BDFL was not as wise and is reaping what it sowed as the Slovaks struggle mightily in the rough and tumble world of the BDFL while Adam Slovensky is wondering if life under the “iron boot” of the Soviets might have been preferable. Nevertheless, this weekend Jaimie Hand and the “Splendid Spearchuckers” will say mass with Cousin Adam, get Adam to help him take home his haul of the Saint Elizabeth collection plate, and steal some wine from the priest’s secret stash before heading to Helena to scalp the Fighting Slovaks in what appears to be a Week 14 mismatch. Jaimie is finding ways to win with a less than stellar line-up and should add to his win total on Sunday. However, covering the spread could be much more difficult.

Wizard’s Winner…the Fighting Slovaks.

Blades vs. Juggernauts

Allyson Edwards and her “Samurai Sapp Suckers” were a major factor in the BDFL race through the first half of the season, but have since run out of gas as the end of the regular season draws near. Gas shortages, the Kyoto Accord, and global warming have all combined to leave the Juggernauts stranded on the side of the BDFL road to the final four. The Yellow Hammer Division, or even a wild card berth, is but a distant memory for Allyson as she welcomes the “Wacky Weeds” to Leeds Sunday afternoon. Of course, Blades owner Lyle Arrington is but a distant memory for them as well. Nevertheless, the Blades will come at the ‘Nauts with their jack handles and knives primed for the killing and should have enough of them to cause considerable damage to the home standing Juggernauts. Although the Nauts may hail from the Land of the Rising Sun, the sun has already set on their season and things aren’t likely to improve this weekend.

Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.

Dogs vs. Wildcats

Mark Burr has been employing the “Chuck ‘n Duck” offense this season and has seen it come to earth faster than a flock of geese on the first day of hunting season while the “Long Fanged Felines” have stalked their BDFL prey with alarming consistency through thirteen weeks of the year. The Wildcats already have an appointment as the top seed in the first semi-final game of the BDFL championship series while the Dogs will be headed back to Brookside to do…whatever the h$!! it is you do in Brookside. Nevertheless, don’t expect the Cats to retract their claws anytime soon, which means the “Dog Pound” will look more like pounded dogs by Sunday evening.

Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.

Gamblers vs. Woosiers

Kenny Breal and his “Wagin’ Cajuns” may have been born two hundred years too late, the cannons may not thunder anymore and there might not be much to plunder, but it hasn’t stopped the “Poker Playin’ Pirates” from staring at forty, albeit in their rearview mirror, with a smirk on their face as they continue to fight for a berth in the race for the championship. Meanwhile, the “Woosierville Wayward Sons” have drifted into what will surely go down as one of the most inept title defenses in league history. The only good sign for the Woosiers is that the season is rapidly drawing to its conclusion leaving Tommy to alternately chug Starbucks coffee and scratch his head while trying to figure out what went awry, make that horribly awry...and start planning a fishing trip for late next August.

Wizard’s Winner…the Gamblers.

Quote of the

Week

"Jon Wood and the Bootleggers would dearly love to strike a blow for the “Bristol Boys” this weekend but the Wizard says their big, block Dodge is no match for Bullet’s Chevrolet with the peace sign, mag wheels, and four on the floor."
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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