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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries

By Bob Bullet

    Week 12

Sloth Monsters – The (Reality) Series: Episode 11

In this week’s episode, Mukes wakes up in a cold sweat.  It seems he has been having nightmares again. The first one is about watermelons being busted over his head, beer cans being crushed on his forehead, and chewing on nails. After he goes back to sleep, he quickly starts dreaming again. The second dream is about hustling bar at Harry’s Bar. He’s serving up drink-or-drown beverages and tapping kegs and filling up Tropicana glass jugs for pitchers, and collecting $5 bills from his friends and dispensing 4-ones, and 4-quarters. Thunder in the background wakes him up this time. But restful sleep is not to come, in the third dream he is going up-and-down in a Dover – not Otis – elevator with a blind girl to the tune of Aerosmith’s “Love in an Elevator.” When he finally wakes up he is in reality – finally – and, he knows it’s real. He’s stuck in 2008.  He’s stuck in the BDFL season from hell, courtesy of the dreaded schedule-maker, because despite a Week 12 total of 42-points for his Sloth Monsters (that would have defeated 12 other BDFL teams), his Three Toed Tree Dwellers lose again, this time to the Tampa Tarnishers, 60-42. The Pixie Dusters celebrated the victory by carrying the “Top Dog of the Week” award around Silver Lakes like the Stanley Cup. Tune in next week for more of the misadventures of Mukes, same bat time, same bat station.

BioCats Storm Past Mayors with A.W.

The James Gang ventured out of the finely manicured lawns and gardens of Vestavia to visit (the once) Magic City. They were so disgusted with what they found there that they took care of the Mayors in record-time and made it back to Rocky Ridge before sun down on Sunday. As for the Cronies, the Honorable Lowrey Langford blamed his predecessors for the plight of Birmingham. “Dick Arrington and Mr. Kincade have this place really messed up, and it is going to take be longer than a year to get every child a laptop, build a dome, and get the Olympics to come here.”

Slovaks Slam Sleds – Administer Rare A.W.

The Slovaks don’t win very often, but when they do it is often impressive (at least this year). Adam Slo ventured to Fairfield to the Steel Mills of his ancestors to battle the Power Sleds this weekend. And, apparently, the Mean Machine was already on Thanksgiving vacation (or empting bed pans). The EuroTrash Talkers sliced up the Sled Heads with a big, old-fashioned, “Big John” type, A.W. Don’t expect Mad Jack to get over this one any time soon. Adam Slo, “What’s the definition of an A.W., again?”

Grenades Edge Bootleggers

The Commissioner got an all-expenses-paid trip to Canton, Ohio, this weekend (big surprise).  Ole Iron got to tour the NFL’s Hall of Fame museum and sign a petition to get Kenny “Snake” Stabler and Derrick Thomas enshrined. The Cool Springs Grenades also got a clutch two-point vict’ry over the North Canton Bootleggers to keep their slim-but-none playoff hopes alive in the BDFL.

Blitz Blitzes Wooden Warriors

You could see this one coming just as soon as it started getting cold. The Wooden Warriors just traditionally do not play worth a flip when the frost – much less the ice – starts accumulating on the ground. Exhibit number one would be the Woodies woeful performance against the under-performing Druid City Blitz. Fritz’s boys had no trouble at all in ransacking Kawliga & Company on the banks of the Black Warrior (ironic) River in Tuscaloosa.

Sin Wagon Slaughtered by Angry Gamblers

It looks like the Dixie Mafia came out of hiding on the Gulf Coast this weekend to play unfriendly hosts to the Cheetah IIIs. Butch loaded up (and partied – maybe too much) and at least got the Sin Wagon to Biloxi, Mississippi, in one piece. However, when they arrived at the Grand they were no match for the fired-up and disgruntled Gamblers. Kenny and Company got a big win while getting an eye-full, while the Cheetah IIIs left town with the “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak,” for their 7-point performance.

Bullets Un-done by Monday Night Magic (Again)

The Benton Bullets played host to the Jugtown Juggernauts on Sunday at Rebel Stadium in Hayneville (Lowndes County). And, after Sunday’s action, everything seemed fine for the Bullerino. The home town team had a two-point lead against the Nauts. But, A.E. was quick to remind Bullet that the BDFL season, and sometimes a single game, is a marathon and not a sprint. Saving a kick for Monday Night, Allyson found some Monday Night Magic – just three points – but that was enough to earn the Rice Rockets a one-point win over the Bullets. (The Bullets did manage to hold onto first place in the always Rugged Red Neck Division.)

A Dog of a Duel

In a game (luckily) blacked-out in Blount County (the Woosiers couldn’t come up with a sell out), and they wore black, and got all their fans in attendance to wear black, the Woo Crew got a black-eye at the hands (coke bottles) of the Brookside Dogs. It is no secret that Dog doesn’t fight fair, and those Brookside tactics paid big dividends against the “lobotomy and tights” Woosiers this weekend. The win gives the Dogs a little momentum for the stretch drive in the BDFL, if nothing else, and probably nothing else. However, for a short drive back to Brookside via Mt. Olive and Crocker Junction, the Dogs were howling, “Doo, doo, doo, looking out my front door,” in celebration, we believe.

CCR Song of the Week:

Just got home from Illinois, lock the front door, oh boy! Got to sit down, take a rest on the porch. Imagination sets in, pretty soon I'm singing, Doo, doo, doo, Looking out my back door. There's a giant doing cartwheels, a statue wearing high heels. Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn. A dinosaur Victrola listening to Buck Owens. Doo, doo, doo, Looking out my back door. Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band. Won't you take a ride on the flying spoon? Wond'rous apparition provided by magician. Doo, doo, doo, Looking out my back door. Forward troubles Illinois, lock the front door, oh boy! Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn.
Bother me tomorrow, today, I'll buy no sorrows. Doo, doo, doo, Looking out my back door.

1984 Iron Bowl Pep Rally Speech I:

Mike White: “We are going to hear their cries, and the lamentations of their women.”

1984 Iron Bowl Pep Rally Speech II:

David Valetto: “We are going to kick Auburn’s @$$, and then we’re going to party.” (See: Bo the wrong way, I waxed the dude, and Party at Buckett’s.)

Click here for the spotlight close-up

Mukes Miller SpotLite of the week:

“It is on the schedule-maker for sticking it to me again,” said Mukes.

The Quote

of the Week

“We are going to hear their cries, and the lamentations of their women” --- UA Seal Mike White before the 1984 Iron Bowl
 

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