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From Underneath The Rock

in Media Void

The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

WEEK 15

The Bulletin

Woosiers Wax Bullets

In the only real drama from the last weekend of the regular season in the BDFL happened in the rugged Red Neck Division. Taking a page from his family album Bullet choked in the last weekend with the pressure on, (a 12, worst output of the season) just like brother Chris in 1998 and Jaimie in the last two Big Daddy Bowls.  “If I cry all night long it’s just a family tradition,” said Bullet, still the only Hand brother with a BDFL Championship Trophy on his mantle.  The Woosiers waxed the Bullets and in the process, opened the door for the Gamblers (more on them later) to enter the BDFL’s Final Four.  In retrospect, the Bullets – with the 10^th best point total in the BDFL, and only one marquee player – really should not have been involved in any form of title chase.  However, Bullet taking a page for the Bobby Cox Handbook was able to extract the absolute most from his Boys from Benton.  Meanwhile, the Defending Champion Woosiers closed on a Smoke Rise High Note (not exactly like a Rocky Mountain High) and were able to play the spoiler in Week 15.

Gamblers Find Back Door vs. Bootleggers

The Gamblers caught the aforementioned Bullets with a stretch run (last three weeks) that did not feature a point total in the 20’s (18, 19, and 19).  That’s how bad – yet competitive – it was in the RND in 2005.  After a “poor mouth performance” unmatched since the days of Vince Dooley and Shug Jordan, the Riverboat Gamblers wedged their way into the BDFL’s Big Dance. “I don’t have a quarterback, I don’t have a running back,” poor-mouthed Kenny B. days before Weekend 15. “I don’t have a chance.  My feet are tired.  My glands are swollen.  I just don’t have a chance with my team.”  Well, the Bootleggers found out otherwise and were slammed by the Gamblers.  Home for the holidays along with Fat Phil Fulmer and the Orange Cloisters, the Wood Brothers will close out the season in the loserist of Loser Brackets as the number 15 seed.  The Big Black Dodge has been repossessed.

Wizards Whip Wounded Warriors

Merlin the Magician pulled away from the Wounded Wooden Warriors in the final weeks of the BDFL season in the Green Horn Division, and then just for good measure put a big whipping on the Woodies in Week 15.  In fact, the Wizards not only captured the crown, won a birth to the BDFL Big Dance, but won over the Tribe and “made ‘em like it.”  Stretch flops are nothing new to Kawliga & Company.  The Tribe has choked so many times once the weather turns cold that it is getting hard to keep up with.  Luckily, the BDFL has WARTS and access to the Elias Sports Bureau files.  Those leading indicators demonstrate that other than his two Big Dance gags, the Wooden Warriors have fallen out of contention in the BDFL in December in 8 of the 11 years of the league’s existence, not to mention problems he had in Funzee Leagues before that and Kickoff Cash Collapses.

Sleds Win Battle – Lose War

Mad Jack’s rampage down the stretch behind Ratt, Poison, (not rat poison) Mettalica, Iron Maiden, and the Winter Brothers closed on a high note this weekend with a vict’ry over the front-runner and subsequent champion in the Gray Beard Division, the Cheetahs.  However, it was a fun ride for the Power Sleds evoking “days of yore.”  The Sin Wagon may have been resting some of its “players” in the final regular season weekend.  The Bulletin has confirmed reports that a number of the Valleydale top dancers were in Mobile over the weekend to visit with Mike “its rolling baby” Price and his contingents from UTEP.

Wildcats Top Nauts – Grab Top Seed

The Rocky Ridge Wildcats had anything but a rocky season in 2005.  Armed with a booklet and an obnoxious and cocky drafting style, the Biological, Atom-splitting, complex-equation solving Cats found the recipe for success in just their 2^nd year in the BDFL.  “Just say no” picks became the rage of the league in ’05 and orders for the Miller Genuine Draft Guide to Fantasy Football Drafting sales will definitely increase before next August.  With the Yellowhammer Division all but sewed-up weeks ago, the BioCats used the last weekend of the season as a tune-up and a chance to teach the Juggernauts a lesson: it’s the Big Daddy Football League, not the Big Mama, etc. The Nauts can take comfort in the fact that they finished ahead of 8 so-called men in the regular season standings.

Slovaks Slip Past Sloths

With the last seed (#16) in the bag, the Slovaks had literally nothing to lose in Week 15, and that is exactly how to approach a “Weekend at Berney’s” or Muke’s, for that matter.  The young – but naïve – Slovaks ventured down to Silver Lakes on Sunday and left with a Grinch-like Christmas spirit in their hearts.  Then during (Howard Cosell 1970’s music please) Monday Night Football the Fighting Slovaks turned mean.  (That’s kind of opposite of what the Grinch does to the Whos down in Whoville in the famous Dr. Seus book/TV program, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”  The title is really misleading, because he never actually stole Christmas, but this is a debate for another time and apparently part of Adam’s dissertation to get his master’s degree in Early English Literature.  He sports a minor in Elizabethan Poetry.)  Anyway, the Slovaks scored a baker’s dozen (12) on MNF – all from their soccer-style kicker – appropriate since Daddy Ron was one of the first soccer-style kickers (check UWA Hall of Fame, WFL-Birmingham Vulcans).  The Slovak vict’ry tour picked up Senor Sloth for a joy ride to Livingston (UWA).

Grenades Tie Break Mayors

In a game of practically no significance, the Grenades ventured back south of the border to edge an old friend.  The Mayors, who saw government cheese, entitlement programs, and free housing, come to abrupt halt in ’05, had to also deal with the fact that they are no longer the “teacher’s pet.” (Commissioner)  In a corporate BDFL-world, free lunches and Cronie backdoor deals to the Irish Deli, Upside Down Plaza, and 2001 Club no longer cut it with the Commissioner.  In today’s BDFL, if you want to make points with the Commish it requires all-expenses-paid trips to Green Bay or Bristol.  A.A. got a decent point total against the Duds in Week 15, but fell victim to the Commissioner’s ever-sliding tie-breaker system.  Meanwhile, the Grenades must face yet another off season having never won his own Frankenstein-like creation of a fantasy league.  However, he can rest assured that, “It’s alive, it’s alive!”

Dogs Teaches Blades a Lesson

Taking a knife to a fight in Brookside is one thing, but you have to make sure there’s not a Super Banker around the corner with a Coke bottle.  L.A. probably won’t make that mistake again.  We know rocker Terry Tarence never did.  With a plain terrible team in 2005, the Dogs were looking to sink their incisors into anything within reach this weekend, and the soft under belly of the Blades worked out just fine. The Blades returned to Pelham in relative obscurity after the loss, after all they have that down to a science now.  Meanwhile, the Dogs are loading up from Christmas in Brookside with all the connotations that come with. “Ere I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a Good Night!”

Quote of the

Week

"The Mayors, who saw government cheese, entitlement programs, and free housing, come to abrupt halt in ’05, had to also deal with the fact that they are no longer the “teacher’s pet.” (Commissioner)  In a corporate BDFL-world, free lunches and Cronie backdoor deals to the Irish Deli, Upside Down Plaza, and 2001 Club no longer cut it with the Commissioner"

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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