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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

THE BULLETIN: WEEK NINE “Fast Times”

Cheetahs Crush Bootleggers

When the Tide was found guilty of committing a “non-football” act this weekend, Cheetah-man took notice.  He’s been involved with “non-football” acts for about 10-years in the BDFL, and actually has a Championship Trophy to show for his meritorious efforts.  Sunday, the Sin Wagons were circled to greet the No Teeth contingency from East Tennessee.  And, like Phat Phil’s woebegone and 3-5 Volunteers, the Bootleggers are sinking fast.  The Bulletin is working to clear up some inadequate and random reports that have filtered out of Valleydale, Knoxville, and near the Chattooga River (which bills itself as the “Wild and Natural River”) however our staff has confirmed that the Woods Brothers have been asked to play some of the Mountain Men and Ned Beatty’s character in the remake of Deliverance.

Grenades Gash Gamblers

The Johnny’s were invited down to the Gulf Coast for a friendly benefit fully-sanctioned Class B ASA (and MSA – Mississippi Softball Association) round robin tournament to help out the home folks in the wake of Hurricane Katrina.  In what is now beach-front property in Theodore, “Sharp Dressed” delivered financially and then disbursed an “AW” by special delivery.  (Whether or not the Commissioner will get an all expenses paid trip to Lambeau Field now is still in question.)  However, the Grenades vict’ry on Sunday was total and complete.  It seems that the Nad Squad got to display – not necessarily in this order – Dialing 8, Cannon Balling, Shot Gunning, Rubbing, Ragging, “Hey blue, call ‘em both ways,” Bragging, Shagging, PBRs, Tailgating, and Regrouping.  It was a banner day at the old Iron household, “smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.”

Slovaks Win Again

From The Daily Slovakian: “Slovakia’s planned membership in NATO has been cast into doubt by new allegations that the country has been selling arms to Iraq, despite an international embargo against such business.”

“We had extra bows and arrows, sling shots, chisels, and pitch forks,” explained high-ranking American-Slovak Prince Adam Slovensky.  “What’s that going to hurt?  And, we needed the cash for beer and kielbasa.”  It seems lately the Slovaks can do nothing wrong from a P.R. standpoint.  The commodities involved in the “arms-for-appetizers” deal were used to help the peasants of the country celebrate another vict’ry over the imperial WASPs.  This time the soccer-style kicking Slovaks ambushed the Juggernauts (again) in the same stadium where the King of Slovakia (“Uncle Ron” to Chris, Jerome, and Jaimie) made 6 field goals (up from previous number due to legend, bad record-keeping) to subdue the Rockets in 1969.  By the way, that Minor High School team also featured Tyrone King, and Charlie “Butch” Moore.  In fact, the Minor Tigers have never beaten Gardendale in Rocket Stadium without a Hand relative on the field.  (See Jimmy Hand, Mark Moore.)

Mean Machine Shoots Bullets

“These pretzels are making me thirsty!” said a beleaguered Bullet following a near “pave cave” experience at the friendly confines of Rebel Stadium in Hayneville.  The multi-talented PowerSleds pulled some borderline Heavy Metal Southern Rock from their attaché on Sunday and strapped the Bullerino to the proverbial “Whippin’ Post.”  Yes, rebel bands like the Allman Brothers (with Dwayne), Mother’s Finest, Molly Hatchet, Grinderswitch, and even the Black Crows and Drivin’ n’ Cryin’ were cranked up and utilized to perfection by Mad Jack to beat the Bullet as his own game.  “We turned it around and used it against him,” said Mad Jack.  Afterwards Jack offered a token apology as well as some Stroh’s for abusing the Bullets so bad on his home turf.  The Quaffers reported they were still thirsty.  Must have been the pretzels! 

Dogs Bite Three Toed Tree Dwellers

Not So Fast, My Friend!

Even though the Dogs tried to even things out, and at the same time take a page out of Mukes’ rookie season manual by playing three starters with an OPEN week, the Mangy Mutts still managed to hang with the Sloth Monsters, at least until Monday Night.  The Super Banker openly bribed Mukes with six packs, milk, and chips (there no evidence that he also brought ‘the other white meat,’ even though Mukes was close to taking another Worm Pill) this weekend in Silver Lakes and the plan almost worked.  Dog apparently went all out after stopping Sunday morning to visit “Uncle Ray” and cousin “Dooley.”  Mukes spoiled those plans – kind of like that white meat – and rallied Monday Night to get the vict’ry.  After his last month or two… do we dare call this bunch of Three Toed Tree Dwellers the “Cardiac Kids.”  (The Bulletin had a line about Giddy visiting a Savings and Loan in Gardendale, but had to change the ‘gambling-bookie’ angle when the Sloths rallied to win on Monday Night.)

Woo Crew Clobbers Mayors

The Woosiers took a page out of the Alabama playbook and shut out the woeful Mayors.  Well, almost… the Cronies got a measly “3” on MNF to avoid the blanking, but not the spanking from Woo.  (The girls in Kimberly must be jealous.) What a horrible performance from the Cronies who have flat run out of entitlement programs and Government Cheese, and are now on about as shaky ground as the upper deck at Legion Field.  Not even the Magic City Classic could pump life into a city that has been for years “driven down by the man,” with the Mayors holding the steering wheel.  Meanwhile, the Woo Crew gets a reprieve from what has been an atrocious season as defending champs by getting a vict’ry over the Mayors while using scoring techniques he apparently learned from Rusty, Crane, and “Bicentennial” Marty.

Cats Scratch Wooden Warriors

“Indian Summer” on the reservation brought no relief to the Black Creek Tribe this weekend.  The Wildcats resumed early season form – and the Woodies didn’t – to return to the win column.  The James Gang limped into Wigwam land and matriculated a vict’ry when few outside observers (namely the Wizard) thought it possible.  Illustrating “escape dimension” and “ball security,” the Cats were able to out-maneuver the Tribe at every turn.  (Say it like Spicoli.) “Mr. Hand” fell victim to some tricks he had never seen before and was clearly out of his class on Sunday against the studious BioCats.  “Dude, I know this is U.S history.  I see the globe right there.”

Blades Whack Wizards

More Spicoli: “Hey bud, what’s your problem.”  The same question is being asked by Merlin about his beloved Wizards.  The Pixie Dusters got hit from the blind side by the stealth Blades, who haven’t been seen or heard from in weeks, but continue to pick up a vict’ry here and there in the BDFL.  If that is L.A.’s strategy, then it’s working pretty well. From Oscar-winner Sean Penn as Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, in history tutoring with Mr. Hand: “So what Jefferson was saying was, “Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus.  So if we don’t get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.”

Quote of the

Week

"(Say it like Spicoli.) “Mr. Hand” fell victim to some tricks he had never seen before and was clearly out of his class on Sunday against the studious BioCats.  “Dude, I know this is U.S history.  I see the globe right there"

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