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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries

By Bob Bullet

    Week 3        The BDFL from A to Z

Sloth Monsters – The (Reality) Series: Episode 2

In this week’s episode of “Sloth Monsters - The Series: Mukes and Albert find themselves locked in Brookwood Mall after hours. It seems they stayed a little too long at Applebee’s watching MNF, partaking of the all-you-can-eat (vict’ry) chicken wings, and 99-cent ponies. When they go for a late pit stop, they return to find out they have been locked in. Never ones to panic, they calmly continue to eat what wings they can find, and keep the taps going. Finally, after exhausting the supplies early in the morning they sneak out of the mall dressed as female manikins. Mukes then shows up back at Lake Cyrus, Silver Lakes – wherever – only to find that the Rocky Ridge Wildcats are on their doorstep waiting to play a big Week 3, BDFL Match-up.  The game quickly becomes a blowout with Ronnie Brown (33-points) and Michael Turner "The Burner" (18) scorching the Sloth Monsters from the opening kick until the final whistle. Needless to say, Mukes gave his “Mukes Miller SpotLite” to Jerry James on the spot.  The James Gang comes up with 74-points on the weekend, a big, hairy, A.W., and the “Top Dog,” and “Big Daddy” awards to Week 3 in a landslide.  As for the misadventures of Mukes; tune in next week, same bat station, same bat time.

Oink, Oink

The Sledheads weeklong indulgences only pork; BBQ, hot dogs, sausage, pork skins, bacon, pork chops, ribs and white bread, gave them the boost in cholesterol they needed to slay Fairfield traitor Lowrey Langford and the visiting Mayors at the Dolodome.  (It also kick-started the Crimson Tide to an A.W. against the Hogs in Fayettenam.)  The PowerSleds now have their sights set on Athens, Ga., some REM tunes, Bufu hairdos (B-52s) and some white-out and flashlights for the upcoming weekend and the ‘dreaded’ Georgia black-out.  The Mean Machine ain’t scared.

“The Outlaws down in Tampa Town, is a mighty fine place to be.  They got green grass and got high tides and sure it looks good to me.” Molly Hatchet (from ‘Gator Country’)

The Commissioner found out that Tampa Town – as well as Clearwater and St. Pete – can be a nice places to visit (just ask Jaimie, Johnny Ball, Body Light, Bullet, and Little Perk – circa 1987).  The Grenades took their show down to Florida, and proceeded to rip a new one in the backside of the Tarnishers, which they didn’t seem to mind (you know lots of flashbacks to Sewell Hall). Ole Merlin just thought he had trouble in the Raymond James Parking Deck Annex at K-Mart, until the C-studs came calling, complete with DiMarini’s and (microwaved) Blue Dots. However, in true Merlin fashion.  The Tarnishers managed to “turn it around and use it against him.”  On Monday Night, Merlin & Company pulled out another MNF Magic Moment, scoring a dozen points to send the Commish out of town with an agonizing, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, one-point loss.

Naut Gonna Rap Here

From ADAM SLOVENSKY (prior to his arrival in Gardendale): “Yeah, Yeah, Check, Check, the Slovaks are back from the RE-PUB-LaaaaaaC. We got the feel. The Slovaks are real. The Juggs are next to get it. BIG A SLO.” But, the (not-so) Fighting Slovaks found out an old Gardendale, Mac Sanderson, axiom still rings true in Rocket Country, “Actions speak louder than words.”  And, the Nauts proved that by taking the Ed Bruce, fiberglass, big green monster, repeatedly to the backsides of the Eurotrash Talkers, who sounded a lot like Kevin Bacon (circa 1978 in Animal House): “Thank you sir, may I have another.” Slovak Factoid: 4.6 million Slovaks live in Slovakia, and 1.2 million Slovaks live in the U.S. (including Brookside, Gardendale, Hoover, and Nashville).  Approximately 4.6 million Slovaks in Slovakia drink pivo, while 1.2 million in America drink beer.

Champion Cheetah IIIs Triumph

The Defending Champion Riverchase Cheetah III’s pulled out another close vict’ry this weekend, edging the Brookside Dogs by one, despite Burr’s Beagles coming up with 24-points during Monday Night Football to put a scare into the Sin Wagon, if that’s possible.  So, the champs are at it again and the bad times continue for Mark’s Mutts.  However, the Mutts did manage to avoid the Toilet Seat award.

Sit on it Woodies

That honor (“Toilet Seat Team of the Weak”) goes to the Black Creek Wooden Warriors, who squeezed out only 11-points in their loss to Brother Bullet. Jaimie may have had fun on his trip to Lowndes County over the 4th of July, but the Bullet’s were not so hospitable hosts in Week 3 BDFL action.  Not only did Bullerino win the game and keep all the ‘vict’ry chicken’ for himself, he also served Hime nothing but Natural Light during his so-called visit. [Sing this to the tune of John Denver’s “Country Roads:”] “Almost heaven, Benton, Alabama.  Black Belt farm land, Alabama River.  Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the valley growing like a breeze.”

Gamblers Sack Da Blitz in OT

At Kentuck Park in suburban Tuscaloosa, the Druid City Blitz entertained the Gulf Coast Gamblers with some homespun humor, bluegrass music, and arts & crafts.  Then Fritz’ Blitz was rudely blitzed by Kenny B. & Company, who are still hot about Brett Farve’s dismissal from the Green Bay Packers.  Kenny did appreciate seeing the world’s second largest ball of twine, learning how to make your own fried pork skins, banjo music, leather crafts, and the home made ice cream.  In fact, that appreciation – and the longest score – helped the Gamblers pull out the OT vict’ry vs. Da Blitz.

Woo Finds City is Gone

“I went back to Ohio, but my city was gone,” Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders, early 1980’s).  Tommy T. took his Woo Crew north to the Cuyahoga Valley to battle the Bootleggers in Week Three.  The Woosiers easily took care of the Wood Brothers, before taking in one of his favorite movies, “Tommy Boy,” at the last remaining movie theatre to actually sell milk duds, Raisonettes, and juju beads.

[In the movie, starring Chris Farley, David Spade, Rob Lowe, and Bo Derek (why Woo went), a plane ticket is bought by Farley's love interest, played by Julie Warner, from Sandusky, Ohio, to Cuyahoga Falls. There are no commercial airports in Cuyahoga Falls or Sandusky. Just rent the movie.] “I went back to Ohio /But my pretty countryside /Had been paved down the middle /By a government that had no pride /The farms of Ohio /Had been replaced by shopping malls /And muzak filled the air /From Seneca to Cuyahoga Falls /Said, a, o, oh way to go, Ohio.”

According to the Wooden Warriors (who made an “A” in Native American Studies at UA), Cuyahoga means “crooked river” in the Iroquois language. In Creek, Cherokee, Choctaw, and Chickasaw it means “river in Ohio.” (Bullet – with Jaimie’s notes – also made an “A” in Native American Studies.)

REM line of the week: “This is where we walked, swam, hunted, danced and sang.  Take a picture here, take a souvenir. Cuyahoga!”

Steve Earle line of the week: “Nothing ever happens in my hometown.”

Week 3: Mukes’ Miller SpotLite

The James Gang comes up with 74-points on the weekend, a big, hairy, A.W., and the “Top Dog,” and “Big Daddy” awards to Week 3 in a landslide.  As for the misadventures of Mukes; tune in next week, same bat station, same bat time.

The Quote

of the Week

Sing this to the tune of John Denver’s Country Roads: "Almost heaven, Benton, Alabama.  Black Belt farm land, Alabama River.  Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the valley blowing like a breeze"

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