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From Underneath The Rock

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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

The Bulletin: Week 11 “AW’s, Nail biters and Nickelback”

Woo Wee! Woosiers Top 50

Maybe the defending champions are not out of it yet.  In a defiant move this weekend, the Woosiers struck with sudden and deadly accuracy, scoring more than 50 points to deal the Juggernauts a devastating A.W. at Rocket Stadium.  Not since the Woosier strapped on hear gear, tongs, and tights has he been this scary.  The Woo Crew delivered a practical lobotomy to the Nauts, who couldn’t decide after the bloodletting whether they had an MBA, CPA, or Law Degree, or if they simply worked in an automobile plant and wore steel toed shoes and a lab-rat coat.  It’s an uphill battle, but as the Woo Crew proved in Week 11, they’re not completely out of it yet.

Sledheads Roll Slovaks

Paul “Wrecking” Crewe (Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard - the original, not the watered-down version with Adam Sandler and Chris Rock) and the rest of the Mean Machine had a lovely work-release weekend down at Joe Tucker Park in Helena.  The Power Sleds ripped the Slovaks a new one with a big old A.W. that was over in the 1st quarter.  After the game, the Sledheads celebration consisted of breaking into the Slovak “war stores” for Topvar, a fine Slovak pivo – or beer – that is brewed amazingly without hops or barley.  The ancient Slovak recipe has never been written down, but apparently involves the following ingredients: wheat, rice, beets, potatoes, yeast, and some form of cabbage.  The Power Sleds music of choice for the post-game celebration was Iceland’s Slade, with some old Creed and Nirvana mixed in.  You could say they were feeling mello.  Topvar will do that to you.

Wizards Win Big

They didn’t throw up a shut out, or an A.W., but the Wizards did get a huge point total in Week 11, and notched their bedpost with a big win over the Cheetahs that didn’t come until just before (David Valetto) closing time at Sammy’s.  The Sin Wagon was never really in this one, still stinging from mentor, and sugar daddy, Mike Price’s loss to clean-cut Watson Brown in the alphabet bowl – cusauabutep – (CUSA, UAB, UTEP), which loosely translated means “disease of the groin.”  Cusauabutep aside, the Cheetahs were simply no match for Merlin, who had been saving up his $1 bills since HealthSouth stock dropped to that level about two years ago.  To show no hard feelings, Parks booked the Dallas County Line, to perform during the post-game celebration.

Good News, Bad News, for Bullets

The Bullets scored 30-points for the 2^nd-straight week and built upon their lead in the Rugged Red Neck Division.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that the Bullets were shot down in Week 11 by the Stealth Blades.  “We never saw the cut coming,” said a bewildered Bullerino.  “We don’t know where these Section 69 Sickles are coming from?”  The Bulletin has turned over some rocks at Harry’s, Bent Tree Apartments, Bates Manor, Jake’s, the Booth, and even Egan’s and has still been unable to find where L.A.’s Blades have been hiding throughout the Miller Genuine Draft right through the regular season.  Still, the Sickles plan of attack has been just good enough to etch a few wins and keep the BDFL rank-and-file a little uneasy about seeing them on their schedules.  Happy Thanksgiving Lyle, wherever you are, tell everyone we said hey.

Tree Toed Tree Dwellers Hold Onto Vict’ry

In a barn-burner, gut-wrencher, nut-cutter of a game in Silver Lakes, the Cardiac Sloth Monsters managed to hold onto (with no plausible thumbs, mind you) a one-point, Slim, last-second vict’ry against the Nash Vegas Gut Grenades.  While Mukes was getting in his pre-game meal of chips and milk, it appears that the Commissioner was running late from the Great White North and had to make a last minute stop at Krystal’s to get some sustenance – well, some Krystals.  In a one-point game, that was probably the difference.  Mukes continues to surprise in ’05.  “Yeah, that heart surgery will change you,” said Mukes.  “Give me another beer and a dip.”

Woodies Whip Mayors

The Wooden Warriors didn’t score much, but they didn’t need much to drop the much-maligned Mayors like a bad habit on Sunday.  “I’m more concerned right now with vict’ries,” said Hime, who has a decent point total to lead the Gentle-Ben Green Horn Division, but has wavered all season on falling below the dreaded .500 mark which could disqualify the perennial Bridesmaids from the playoffs and deny some BDFL “up-and-comer” a shot at the championship with an easy, roll-over win in the Big Daddy Bowl.  As for the Cronies, A.A. apparently has been on the phone with the Commissioner trying to use some of his pull – although outdated and under funded – to avoid the “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” honor.

Vandy Tops Tennessee!

The James Gang participated in a biochemical research seminar with representatives from Vanderbilt University this weekend.  The Geek Squad then ventured to East Tennessee via the great Knoxville sucking sound.  Apparently, J.J.’s spread-the-field, five-wide-out attack helped a little-known team called the Commodores (David) slay an over-rated, silver-spoon, team called the Volunteers (Goliath) on the banks of the Tennessee River.  The loss knocked the Great Orange Pumpkins from bowl consideration and set teams of analysts to the Great Smoky Mountains and all of Appalachia to study the situation to determine the scope and depth of the problem, where there have been no coaching changes and no probation, and year upon year of so-called “top recruiting” classes.  Oh, by the way, the Wildcats beat the Bootleggers on Sunday.

Gamblers Edge Dogs

In the “Who Gives a Rat’s @$$ Bowl,” the Gamblers and Dogs played down to the competition and the one team that scored in double-figures beat the one team that didn’t.  To practically no one’s surprise, the Gamblers held serve at home on the Gulf Coast with what was almost a poetic 11-to-7 vict’ry… actually, closer to “21” after MNF.  That wasn’t the exact score, but you get the picture, or photograph.  Speaking of photograph, how about some Nickelback:  (Are there hidden references in here to: 1. Big Al’s, 2. Hue Bell, 3. Metro Gardendale youth thugs – Caviness, Light, Barry Absher, 4. Pasqualli’s, 5. Voc School?)

Look at this photograph/ Every time I do it makes me laugh/ How did our eyes get so red?/ And what the hell is on Joey’s head?/ This is where I grew up/ I think the present owner fixed it up/ I never knew we ever went without/ The second floor is hard for sneakin’ out/ This is where I went to school/ Most of the time had better things to do/ Criminal record says I broke in twice/ I must’ve done it half a dozen times/ I wonder if it’s too late/ Should I go back and try to graduate/ Life’s better now than it was back then/ If I was them, I wouldn’t let me in/ Every memory of looking out the back door/ I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor/ It’s hard to say/ It’s time to say it/ Goodbye, Goodbye/ Every memory of walking out the front door/ I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for/ It's hard to say/ It’s time to say it/ Goodbye, Goodbye/ Remember the old arcade/ Blew every dollar that we ever made/ The cops hated us hangin’ out/ They say somebody went and burned it down/ We used to listen to the radio/ And sing along with every song we’d know/ We said someday we’d find out how it feels/ To sing to more than just the steering wheel/ Kim’s the first girl I kissed/ I was so nervous that I nearly missed/ She’s had a couple of kids since then/ I haven’t seen her since God knows when/ I miss that town/ I miss their faces/ You can’t erase/ You can’t replace it/ I miss it now/ I can’t believe it/ So hard to stay/ Too hard to leave it/ If I could relive those days/ I know the one thing that would never change/ Look at this photograph/ Every time I do it makes me laugh/ Every time I do it makes me…

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Quote of the

Week

"The Woo Crew delivered a practical lobotomy to the Nauts, who couldn’t decide after the bloodletting whether they had an MBA, CPA, or Law Degree, or if they simply worked in an automobile plant and wore steel toed shoes and a lab-rat coat"

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