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From Underneath The Rock

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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

No Movies and Little Music with Some Magic

Cat Scratch Fever Hits Epidemic Levels

No one saw this coming.  Well, at least no one outside of the Miller Lite Guide to Fantasy Football publications people.  The James Gang got another vict’ry Sunday by outscoring the Cronies.  Billed as the “Home Boys in Hoover Classic” and featuring the All-SWAC bands of Alabama State, Alabama A&M, and FAMU, the Mayors nearly pulled off the upset of the BioCats.  In defeat, all the Cronies could do was turn their attention to the showdown between the Hornets and Bulldogs in the Magic City Classic later this month.  “Man I wish Legion Field still had a deck,” said former Mayor Richard Arrington.  “We could really pack ‘em in for this one.”

Bullets Break One Off in Slovaks

“Shut out, shut out, shut out!” yelled the Anglo-named (Hand) half-Slovaks as they broke one off in the back sides of the Slovakian-named (Slovensky) half-Slovaks this weekend down in the friendly confines of WASP land known as Benton.  By the way, Benton is in the middle of the Bible/Black Belt, which is known for anything but WASPs.  With the exception – of course – of the Cotton they own and get the designated non-WASPs to pick, which led to numerous problems years later.  In the game, the Bullets did shut out the lowly Pi Cap Caravan, which apparently hasn’t pulled out of the Gallette’s parking lot since Bama’s 31-3 vict’ry over Florida.  They may stay there all year, and there’s a good bet they will stay in the cellar of the BDFL forevermore.

Wizards Win a Thriller

Merlin and his mighty band of midget magicians ventured down to the Gulf Coast to pay a visit to their brethren at Casino Magic in Biloxi.  Merlin, a.k.a. dumb@$$, never got the memo that most of the Gulf Coast was blown away (including the casinos) by this big storm called Hurricane Katrina.  However, the gallant Gamblers took time out from rebuilding to face off with the Wizards head on.  The gridiron in Gulfport was gritty, but the Gamblers couldn’t get a break and found themselves outscored by the Pixie Dusters.

Live Aid XII

The Blades cut the Grenades down to size this weekend in Nash Vegas.  L.A.’s Section 69 Sickles had no trouble going north of the border to beat the Johnnys at their own game.  In fact, they had quite a time up on the Cumberland, and apparently partied long into the night on Music Row.  Their mistake came in the wee hours when they handed the keys to their tractor to John Parker Wilson, and most everyone knows the rest of the story.  It looks like Cotis Nunnelly (or Gene Newberry) will have to fill in for the rest of the season for the Blades.

Monsters Show Heart in Edging Bootleggers

Mukes may be laid up in Silver Lakes, which come to think of it probably works to his advantage, because he’s had lots of practice with that over the years.  But, with the help of his close, personal friend, Albert, was able to get out of the house this weekend and venture to Livingston-North, No Teeth, Tennessee, to battle the Bootleggers.  “Are we going to scout or are we going to party,” said someone in the traveling party.  “We are going to scout,” said Mukes.  “Now, hold this.” (A fifth of Jack Daniels)  The whiskey was just enough to throw the Whiskey Runners off of their pace, and enable the Three Toed Tree Dwellers to get a victory by one point.

Cheetahs Embarrass Nauts

A.E.’s good start to the season was completely washed away on Valley Avenue Sunday by an unprecedented onslaught of garters, g-strings, spiked heels, and thongs.  And, none of them belonged to Ms. Edwards.  That’s right, she was lured into the Mike Price lair by some fast talking doormen with the assumption that there would be a football game.  None of her “shame on you’s” had any effect on the Cheetahs, who are known to employ any strategy necessary to get a vict’ry, which they gladly did against the Juggernauts.

Woosiers Upset Wooden Warriors

The Smoke Risers in the Sky had been waiting all year long to trap one of the Hand boys in their Hayden harem, and they decided to “let it all hang out” against the high-flying Wooden Warriors.  Also, it doesn’t hurt to catch the defending, two-time, runners up after the weather starts to turn a little cool.  The Woo Crew didn’t just get a vict’ry against the Black Creek Tribe, but made them like it, and made ‘em stay to hear all about Blount County, its traditions, its people, and it’s wonderfully reformed Little League.

Sleds %!&@#slap Dogs

Not since the famous intramural game where Big John threatened not to “$#@% ‘em up too bad,” had Dog been this scared.  And, it wasn’t because his Mangy Mutts were facing the PowerSleds in the bowels of Fairfield.  No, not at all, it was the Mettalica, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and Mega Death that blared from the speakers and the ominous clouds that sunk low over the arena, and the presence of Bufu that had the Dogs on their heels.  Mad Jack’s Mean Machine took advantage of the sound and fury which signified a vict’ry.  “See no evil.  Speak no evil.  See no evil. Speak no evil.  See no evil.  Speak no evil.  You’re gonna burn in hell.”  For once, Dog was glad to go back to Brookside.  (And to Sharon Heights Baptist Church for a cleansing.)

Quote of the

Week

"Not since the famous intramural game where Big John threatened not to “$#@% ‘em up too bad,” had Dog been this scared"

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