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From Underneath The Rock

in Media Void

The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

The Bulletin: Week 12: Short and Sweet, “Like Bosco”

Bio Cats For Real – Slaughter Sloths

Call the Cats for Real.  Even if it is based on inside information from the Miller Lite Guide to Fantasy Football Drafting, or his surreal use of a sublime five-wide-out set, the Wildcats are running wild in the Yellow Hammer Division this year.  Nothing short of an absolute shut down or accidental spill of hydrochloric acid will now keep the “Sophomore Sensations” from advancing to the BDFL playoffs in just their second year of competition.  Over the holiday weekend, the Bio Cats broke off test tubes, beakers, and Brunson burners in the hind quarters of the Three Toed Tree Dwellers, which oddly-enough, didn’t seem to bother the Sloths.  Can you say A.W.?  What did bother Mukes and his merry band of cross-dressers was the stifling “D” of the Cats that kept the Son of Slim in single digits until Vodka Vanderjagt scored 14 Monday Night.  (Aside: It doesn’t hurt that the Wildcats have L.T. on their team.)

Wooden Warriors Out-Score Dogs

The Woodies got caught watching “Fantasy Fix” on Charter Sports Southeast over the Thanksgiving weekend, and now the “cat is out of the bag,” on one of Chief Kawliga’s keys to vict’ry.  Studying cable TV long and hard over expert’s weekend picks for “Studs and Duds,” – among other things – the Wooden Warriors are able to manipulate the BDFL for their own selfish goals and aims.  It’s too bad the program gets pre-empted during the Christmas season by “Leave it to Beaver,” thus leaving Hime short on “inside information” for the playoffs and subsequent Big Daddy Bowl.  Armed with this arsenal of information, the Woodies strolled in Brookside over the Thanksgiving weekend and outscored the Dogs, who were busy gnawing on a drumstick while registering yet another defeat.

Sleds Slow Gamblers

Gambling is nothing new to those who grew up in Fairfield in the 1970’s.  In those days you not only had to dodge the crime but you also had to breathe thick, grey, smoke-filled air from many a billowing steel mill on the west side of Birmingham.  It was a gamble just to get to school, or work, or to the 7-11 for a freaking Mountain Dew in those days.  It made you tough.  So, “Heavy Metal” is more than just a phrase or music to the Power Sleds. “It’s in ’em, and it’s got to come out.”  Kenny B. found that out the hard way this weekend, when his Bottom Deck Dealers were hit with a dose of reality as well as a heavy-duty, Southern Electric Steel, iron billet over the cranium.  With three weeks to go in the season, don’t count out the Mean Machine in the Geezer Gray Beard Division.

Sickles Slice Slovaks

In a friendly, bring-your-suburban, Shelby County, Thanksgiving weekend, slumber party, the Blades notched yet another vict’ry in what is becoming one of the best “under-the-radar” seasons in BDFL history.  L.A.’s lackadaisical and laid-back approach to the 2005 season has worked to perfection.  His aggressive absenteeism has won admirers among the rank-and-file (and the Bulletin) and a number of fantasy football games.  The Slovaks were the latest to feel the steely cold metal of the Stealth Blades.  The Slovaks really were too reoccupied with their Thanksgiving feast of pyjochy, ham, mustard, and nut roll to be concerned with something as insignificant as a football game.  And, it showed.  Shelby County’s “Golden SUV” Trophy will remain in Pelham on Lyle’s mantle for at least another year.

Whiskey Runners Give Boot to Mayors

While one Arrington wins, the other, elder Arrington (more years under his belt, less hair) continues a futile season – even in the kinder and gentler Gray Beard Division.  The Cronies – feeling that they had to get out of the Magic City for at least the holidays – ventured to No Teeth Territory on Sunday hoping they could at least regroup for the stretch run.  Instead, the Cronies were run slap over by the Bootleggers’ Big Block Dodge that came off the blocks for at least a good one-day run at the old Bristol Motor Speedway.  Unlike UAB, the Mayors are guaranteed a bowl game in the BDFL.  However, it looks like a good bet that it could be the Toilet Bowl this season.

Bullets Blast Grenades

Going into Monday Night Football, the Bullets held a slim one-point lead over the Grenades.  And, small leads over both the Bootleggers and Gamblers in the Rugged Red Neck Division.  Both Pistol and Bullet had their QBs going on MNF with Big Ben of the Grenades facing off against the Bullets’ Peyton Manning.  It was a mismatch on paper, and likewise at the RCA TV Flat Screen HD Dome in Indianapolis, Indiana.  Once again, Bullet’s 1^st round pick of Eli’s “get your cotton-picking hands off my gin” brother came through throwing for two TDs – one over 50 – compared to just one for Gentle Ben.  The vict’ry keeps Bullet above the “Bullet Line” and in 1^st in the RND.  Meanwhile, Iron’s late season swoon has him up the Cumberland without a paddle.

Wizards Whip Nauts

(Q.) How fast has this season gone out the tail pipe for the Rice Rockets?  (A.) As quick as you can say “hocus-pocus.”  “Knock, knock; Who’s there; Naut; Naut-who? Naut very good.”  That bumper sticker is running a close second in overall sales this holiday season to “Honk if you’ve sacked Brodie,” in parts of Lee County and 280-land.  And, who can blame the Wizards for being just a little ‘giddy’ these days.  Just this weekend at the Tea & Crumpet Coliseum, the Pixie Dusters dusted the Juggernauts, who now must limp back to Leeds to try and find her groove again.

Cheetahs Slap Woo Crew

The one-week wonder for the Woosiers ended and Tommy T’s Woo Crew deftly followed up a 50-point weekend with a single-digit performance in Week 12.  “I think we can pronounce the defending champion run for the Woosiers as dead,” said one BDFL inside observer.  “Who does he think he is, drafting for himself?”  Old man Neal’s Sin Wagon rolled through Blount County unmolested (not always a good thing) this weekend picking up an easy vict’ry over the Woosiers.  If it is any consolation, Tommy T. did have a smile on his face when he waved good-bye to the Cheetahs.

Kramer Comes Close to Guessing Costanza’s ATM Code

Kramer: “I'll bet I can guess it. Oh, alright. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Alright, let's go deeper. What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth. Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.”

George: “I'm leaving.”

Kramer: (building up steam as George bolts for the door): “No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's! Shut up! Nestlé's Quik!”

(We know now that it’s Bosco.)

Quote of the

Week

"The Woodies got caught watching “Fantasy Fix” on Charter Sports Southeast over the Thanksgiving weekend, and now the “cat is out of the bag,” on one of Chief Kawliga’s keys to vict’ry"

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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