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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

 Week 5: Nauts and Wildcats Still Perfect                                       Like a Juggernaut – Rice Rockets Run to 5-0

Like the Crimson Tide team she is so enamored by, Honda Heroin and Big Girl in the male-dominated BDFL, A.E. finds herself at 5-0 on the young season.  The Rice Rockets biggest vict’ry of the season took place this weekend over in Black Creek, as the Juggernauts scalped the unsuspecting Wooden Warriors on the reservation.  Hime, who still has an enviable point total, must find losing to a girl almost as painful as keeping his little tribe in check back on the reservation while Ms. Edwards ventures all around the SEC taking in the sites, tailgating, viewing a little gridiron action, and kicking back to smoke a cigarette, while all Chief Bocephus can do is sit around and talk about the good ole days.

Wildcats Win Again

And who wouldn’t against the mighty lowly Slovaks?  The Slovensky name-bearer and heir to the throne of all that is good, decent, and holy among the retched refuges of a long-dominated culture just can’t seem to get a break this season – or for that matter – score any points.  In fact, after just 5 weeks, the Slovaks are more than 100-points behind in their own division.  Meanwhile, while the Slovaks are mired in a massive Sophomore Slump, the Wildcats are roaring loud and proud.  Asked to explain their perfect, 5-0 start in ’05, J.J. simply said, “Just say no.” (We presume to the bad picks.)

Winless Woo Bows to Commissioner

At least the Slovaks have one vict’ry under their belts, which is more than can be said about the defending BDFL champions, the Smoke Rise Woosiers.  Tommy T. certainly won’t attend another Miller Genuine Draft gathering.  If he does it will be just to visit and catch up.  He will probably put his future in the hands of one of the BDFL’s throng of teenage draft experts.  In fact, the Commissioner has allegedly been contacted by ESPN and Mel Kiper about lining up some of the young talent for future NFL draft day coverage.  Meanwhile, the Commish continues to get used to life along the Cumberland and like his newfound love – The Titans – can actually find a vict’ry from time to time.

Gamblers Stomp Cronies

One team fairing rather well this season, after some foul weather, is the Gamblers, a team picked by one of the Replacement “teenage wasteland” designated drafters.  (F.T. Hand gets the credit here.  And, “Alabama, #12” has also reportedly taken the Brentwood Father Ryan Fighting Irish to a new level.)  Playing this past weekend in a pasture outside of Pascagoula, Kenny B.’s boys gunned down the Cronies, who were reportedly – and not surprisingly – down on the Gulf Coast looking for a hand out.  The Mayors main mistake was printing fake I.D.’s with hometowns listed like: Mulga, Dolomite, Ensley, and North Smithville.

Cheetahs: “It’s Rolling”

Buoyed by the recent vict’ry in the Mike Price, “he said, she said,” court decision against SI and Lacy J. “Destiny” Boudreaux, the Cheetahs are up and rolling thus far in 2005.  The Sin Wagon even prospered recently in a visit to the Black Belt/Bible Belt by (bible) thumping the renegade Benton Bullets.  After the game the Bullerino was heard mumbling something like, “I met her in a club down in old Sojo.  We drank Champaign that tasted like cherry cola… COLA, cola.  I asked her name and in a dark, low voice she said, Lola, LOLA, Lola.  Lo, Lo, Lo, La, Lola.”

Tree Dwellers Hang on to Vict’ry

Since Mukes’ out-dated VHS tape of “Easy Rider” (Circa 1969) was unraveled, the Son of Slim rented “Sling Blade” to welcome L.A. to Silver Lakes for a Sunday afternoon movie, football, chips, and suds session.  Everything went according to plan for the Sloth Monsters, including notching their first vict’ry of the season against the unsuspecting Blades.  After the game, Mukes was heard to say, “You’re @$$ is grass, and I’m a proverbial lawn mower.”

Dogs Bite Wizards

To the tune of the CDB’s “Devil Went Down to Georgia:”

Merlin went down to Brookside.  He was looking for a vict’ry to steal. He was in a bind because he was way behind (in the Green Horn Division) so he was willing to make a deal. So, he jumped up on a rusted used car and said, “Boy let me tell you what.  I guess you didn’t know it but I’m a liar and cheater too.  I work for Scrushy and I’ve used an old Coke bottle or two.”

Alas, the Silver Spoon Wizards had their weapon taken from them and then they got to role play as Terry Tarence as the Dogs showed them how to really use a Coke bottle.  Wizard’s Winners… someone else.

Sleds Overhaul Bootleggers

If Mark Martin can still win in NASCAR, (with or without Viagra) then there is hope for the one-time powerful PowerSleds.  This weekend, the Sledheads derailed the Woods Brothers Big Block Dodge by giving them a lesson you can learn outside the dented guard rails of BIR.  “Rubbing may be racing,” as popularized by the Ted Cruise hit movie, “Days of Thunder,” but when you’re more like Super Dave Osborne, you just let it all hang out, and that’s exactly what Mad Jack did against the Bootleggers, scoring a dozen points and still getting the vict’ry, while the Whiskey Runners were suctioned back to No Teeth, Tennessee proudly displaying the “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” award. 

Quote of the

Week

“Rubbing may be racing,” as popularized by the Ted Cruise hit movie, “Days of Thunder,” but when you’re more like Super Dave Osborne, you just let it all hang out..."

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