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The BDFL's Weekly Game Summaries
By Bob Bullet

WEEK 7 in the BDFL

Down Highway 41 and Beyond and Giddy

“41 Hut, Hut!” Bullet Bashes Woo Crew

As well as having unlimited success “scoring” in Canada, and the Niagara Falls region, Bullet has also had a long history of “scoring” in Blount County.  This weekend the Boys from Benton taught the Smoke Risers in the Sky a few lessons.  The Bullerino scored in the pumpkin patch, and scored at the Top Hat, and scored in numerous other places between Nectar, Trafford, and Bug Tussel putting 41 points and routing the overmatched and overworked Woo Crew.  Late Sunday evening, Tommy T. was just glad to see Bullet’s tail lights headed toward Gardendale and further southward, and enjoy a little peace and quite to go with his “AW” and his “Toilet Seat Team of the Weak” award.

Mad Hits 41 and Powers Past Cheetahs

They were practically “giddy” walking down University Boulevard Saturday afternoon as seemingly best friends.  It kind of reminded folks of Owen Wilson and that other dude in Wedding Crashers.  But, come Sunday, the Power Sleds decided to break one off in the Cheetahs.  “I was just waiting for Butch’s kids not to be around,” said Mad Jack.  “I didn’t want them to witness the carnage and see their dad getting an old fashioned ‘AW.’”  Don’t worry sports fans.  I hear Jack and Butch and Dog have all kissed and made up and will be taking each other to homecoming this weekend.  Call Dog if you know where he can get a deal on a corsage or mum.

Woodies Top Wizards

 The Pixie Dusters were just plain giddy after seeing their boys in Pink and Purple put up 30 points this weekend.  However, when Merlin glanced in the other dugout he saw old Kawliga – complete with David Valetto sweatbands, tube socks, and Bill Leopard/Bucket PONY crimson and white turf shoes – grinning like a mule eating briars.  Then the Wizard looked at the scoreboard to “see who was behind” and saw the agonizing message, “You, you, you.”  The Black Creek two-out ball club tried to show some class in the post-game locker room but found it impossible not to gloat.

Mayors Retaliate Edge Grenades

The Commish ventured down from Nash Vegas this weekend to visit his old stomping grounds and see his defacto commissioner.  The Mayors did not play gracious hosts.  The Cronies felt jilted by the BDFL high command, who decided to move its headquarters and operations to Nashville.  “We could stand losing out to Atlanta, New Orleans, Memphis, and Nashville in the NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB,” said Mayor Arrington.  “But I think losing a fantasy league like the BDFL is going to crush us and keep us from ever becoming a ‘major league city.’”  So, A.A. took out his frustrations on the Grenades, edging them by one point and making the Johnny’s pick up the check at the Irish Deli.

Rice Rockets Roar Past Wildcats

Allyson got a huge vict’ry on Sunday, blowing past the red-hot Wildcats on the 80-yard playground gridiron behind Pizitz Middle School.  “This one could go a long way in deciding the Yellow Hammer Division,” said a giddy A.E.  “We wanted to send a message.  A little intelligence goes a long way.  But, this atom-splitting, compound equation crap, and memorizing the Miller Lite Guide to Fantasy Football has got to stop.”  Experts say that the Rice Rockets and Wildcats match-up may have been the highest IQ game in BDFL history.  It’s too bad both teams got confused trying to get on I-65 at Columbiana Road, going in the correct direction, after the game.

Gamblers Win Defensive Struggle

The Bootleggers and Gamblers both lost ground this weekend in the overall standings in the rugged Red Neck Division.  And, worse than that, they lost it to the surging Bullets, who could stand to benefit from the sub-500, so-called “Bullet Rule” in 2005.  (See Tainted Title)  The Gamblers did manage to make it all the way to the backwoods of No Teeth, Tennessee, in the back of a Greyhound bus – no less – going down parts of Highway 41.  When the “Real Deal” rolled out of town, he had a Checkered Flag out the driver’s side window and the Woods Brothers, Citgo, #21, Big Block Dodge was up on blocks.

Sloths Slay Slovaks

Mukes got to play the Slovaks this weekend.  The Son of Slim got to find out what most of Central Europe has known for years, decades, and centuries: Want an Easy Victory – Visit Slovakia.  How they ever got their own country (Circa 1991) is a complete mystery?  It was a product of political correctness going overboard and the Iron Curtain going down.  Those officials at Ellis Island knew exactly what they were doing many years ago.  “Yeah, ya’ll go on down to Brookside, Alabama.”  In those days it was like Emelle, or New Mexico… a good place for chemical and biological testing.  At least the Slovaks reached double-figures against the Three Toed Tree Dwellers and offered to make Mukes an honorary Slovak.  “Apparently all you need is a lobotomy and some tights,” or beer, braughtwerst, or kielbasa.  Aside: the following countries are “undefeated” against Slovakia (in fact only the Wizards have lost to the Slovaks): Roman Empire 1-0, Prussia, 4-0, Germany 2-0, Austria-Hungry 1-0, Russia 1-0, USSR 1-0, (ruled existing borders from 1945-1989) Czech Republic 1-0, Lithuania 1-0 (in OT), various Bavarian tribes 3-0.

Blades Bury Burr-Dogs

The Bulletin has to admit, we have no idea what happened in this game between the Blades and Dogs down on the banks of the Five Mile Creek in Brookside, where for some reason they let some Protestants move in at some point in the last century or two.  Apparently, some of them were “Burr’s,” apparently named for their hair styles.  The Bulletin staff did hear the following, leading us to believe Lyle “did the opposite,” to get the vict’ry.

“My name is George. I’m unemployed and live with my parents.”

“Yes. And listen to this, listen to this; her uncle works for the Yankees and he’s gonna get me a job interview. A front office kind of thing. Assistant to the traveling secretary. A job with the New York Yankees! This has been the dream of my life ever since I was a child, and it’s all happening because I’m completely ignoring every urge towards common sense and good judgment I’ve ever had. This is no longer just some crazy notion. Jerry, this is my religion.”       

Quote of the

Week

"However, when Merlin glanced in the other dugout he saw old Kawliga – complete with David Valetto sweatbands, tube socks, and Bill Leopard/Bucket PONY crimson and white turf shoes – grinning like a mule eating briars"

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