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Quote of
the Week
"The
list includes: Scottie West, Lep, Tony Schifenello, Kelbo, Dwayne
Painter, Bill Philpot, Keith Crawford, Brian Guffin, Rodney McClenney,
“Professor” Hubert T. Justice Bell, Les Nicholas, and Hotdog Sexton.”
Back Bull
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From Underneath The Rock
In Media Void
By Bullet Hand
Death and Taxes: The Bulletin
“Death Squad” Propels Bullets to Vict’ry Over Nauts
(Gardendale)—Bullet returned to
Rocket Stadium to participate in the 25th Anniversary of the “Death
Squad.” (Give or take a year or two.) He was joined by some of the most
notable names in Gardendale High School’s storied football history. The
list includes: Scottie West, Lep, Tony Schifenello, Kelbo, Dwayne
Painter, Bill Philpot, Keith Crawford, Brian Guffin, Rodney McClenney,
“Professor” Hubert T. Justice Bell, Les Nicholas, and Hotdog Sexton. The
reunion paid immediate dividends as the fired-up Bullets shot down the
Juggernauts in a game matching the BDFL’s 15th and 16th place teams. “We
would have done better if we would have had Crandall Russell, Bryan
Estes or Daddy Win,” said Bullet, who had to play QB. “But, Crandall and
Estes were with the varsity, and Win showed up a day late.”
Sleds Slip Past Sloths
(VisionLand)—VisionLand became the
Promised Land on Sunday, as the muscle-flexing Power Sleds put the “Kung
Fu” death grip around the Turkey Necks of the Three-Toed Tree-Dwellers,
and there was just no way for the Sloths to claw their way free. After
their vict’ry, the Sledheads showed a great deal of sportsmanship by
releasing the Sloth Monsters and inviting them to Thanksgiving Dinner.
The Son of Slim showed his appreciation by donning the half-eaten turkey
on his head as a hat, using the giblet gravy as a beard, and downing the
entire “cranberries shaped like the inside of a tin can” in one swallow.
Mayors Monday Night Rally Tops Wizards
(Greystone)—The Big BDFL Monday Night
Comeback, came back to bite Merlin on the @$$ again this weekend. The
Wizards were chalking up a vict’ry late Sunday night, but they forgot
about this year’s uncanny knack of wild and wholly MNF comebacks. (Even
though Merlin benefited from one earlier this season, and lost in
another.) A.A.’s Cronies refused to go home quietly from the Tea &
Crumpet Coliseum on Sunday. The Mayors hid in the bushes until Monday
Night, and then used some of their “smoke and mirrors” and “back room,
shady deal” moves to ambush the Silver Spoon Wizards on Monday Night.
The Kerry Coalition Cronies could be heard around midnight singing and
old “left-wing, 60’s, hand-holding, Haight-Ashbury” tune, as they left
the gated-community headed back to the Magic City: “Monday, Monday, so
good to me. It was all I hoped it could be.”
Another Monday Night Rally Lifts Dogs Past Wood Brothers
(Brookside)—From “Uncle Booties” to
“Wayne’s Place,” there is not much you can teach native Brookside
residents about selling illegal Sunday liquor, or running White
Lightning. The Bootleggers learned that lesson the hard way recently.
The Wood Brothers slipped across the Five Mile Crick under the cover of
darkness, and appeared to have an upset vict’ry sewed-up against the
Mangy Mutts. However, then came Monday Night. The Dogs sniffed-out the
Whiskey Runners, began their pursuit, and caught Jon Boy’s Big Black
Dodge before it could get to Cardiff. Super Banker then took back his
goods, gave the Bootleggers a “love tap” on the head with a Coke bottle,
and made it home in time to catch up with some old friends by watching
“America’s Most Wanted.”
Wooden Warriors Ambush Sin Wagon
(Black Creek)—Before Butch’s Sin
Wagon could cross the border into the Black Crick Nation, the Tribe
jumped the Cheetah Train and promptly began pillaging. Chief Kawliga &
Company took advantage of every opportunity to inflict as much damage as
possible to the team that destroyed their dreams last season with one of
the greatest comebacks ever in the Big Daddy Bowl. The Woodies vict’ry
did not make up for their “choke” in last year’s title game, but it did
give Hime some sweet revenge as his Tribe heads down the homestretch
that he hopes wont turn into the “Trail of Tears.”
Grenades Upset by Slovaks
(Green Springs)—The Protégé took it
to the Mentor this weekend; Death of a Salesman. The Rookie Radio Execs
went to the “Ye Old Book of Slovak Tricks,” to upend the Country Music
Cockstuds. The Fighting Slovaks demonstrated that demographics aren’t
everything and utilized a perfect game plan of selling the “sizzle”
instead of the product. The upset defeat so upset and embarrassed Iron
that he plans to move out of the Cox Radio Compound and move his “hopes
and dreams to Nashville.” The Slovak Prince wished the Johnnies the best
of luck north of the border. “This place just wasn’t big enough for two
Slovaks, plus he was getting close to figuring out the Slovak
money-making bonanza related to 1980’s Kickoff Cash Scheme.”
BioCats Get Clawed by Kenny’s Gamblers
(Rocky Ridge)—This season has been so
bad for the Gamblers that the “Real Deal” decided that a trip to Rocky
Ridge wasn’t such a bad idea. Kenny G figured he could do a little
shopping, take in a flick at one of the multiplexes and still come away
with a relatively easy BDFL vict’ry against the undermanned BioCats. “My
plan worked to perfection,” said Kenny. “The Mildcats barely put up a
fight. All I did was throw down a couple of text books, a Rubic’s Cube,
and a cheap erector set, and that kept the atom-splitting, book worms
distracted long enough for me to get the win and get back to the Gulf
Coast.”
Blades Cut Woo Crew Down to Size, Ouch!
(Smoke Rise)—The high-flying “Smoke
Risers in the Sky” were brought down to earth this weekend by the
Blades, given a severe beating and awarded the “Toilet Seat Team of the
Weak,” for their single-digit performance. L.A.’s Section 69 Sickles
were not intimidated by the Woo Crew’s Hayden Hideout that had become
almost a dominant home field advantage this season in the BDFL. The
Blades sliced their way to vict’ry and have illustrated a complete
turnaround from previous teams that have been sighted for a “lack of
competitive spirit” after the halfway point of the season. Perhaps the
Blades are beginning to realize that they are getting old, and Fantasy
Sports is the only way to live out their dreams that were crushed so
long ago by Jack Standridge and Jimmy Armstrong. |
