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Quote of
the Week
"The longstanding battle between HIME and
IRON to see who was best at home run derby, softball, soccer-style
kicking, defensive back play, free throw shooting, fudge sickle eating,
PBR drinking, BABF-ing, BS-ing and pontificating, procrastinating and
prognosticating came to a head on Field Four at George Ward Park this
weekend"
Back Bull
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From Underneath The Rock
In Media Void
By Bullet Hand
WEEK 10 –“Sticks and Stones and Sleds,
and Slim and Costanza Quotes”
Woodies Wear Out Cronies
(Magic City)—Chief Kawliga and his Black Crick Nation left the
Reservation this weekend and ventured down to Baton Rouge, Louisiana,
where they picked-up some pointers from the natives. Upon the tribe’s
return, the Wooden Warriors came back with a big Red Stick that they
planned to put in the ground to mark their “hunting territory.” However,
before they could accomplish this task, the Tribe encountered the “dazed
and confused” John Kerry Rainbow Coalition of Cronies in the Magic City.
Kawliga and Company quickly came up with another use for the Red Stick,
utilizing it to bludgeon the Left Wing Liberals who were endangering the
Woodies with their proposed “smoke and mirrors – tax and spend”
entitlement programs. When the smoke cleared, the border to North
Birmingham had been moved a little further south, (marked with a Big Red
Stick) and Mayor Arrington had retreated to into City Hall with a big
old A.W.
Sleds Slay Slovaks
(Helena)—Paul “Wrecking” Crew (Burt Reynolds) and his Mean Machine
rolled out of their Bayou Prison this weekend to take on the (Old
Slovak) Guards in a “friendly” football game at Joe Tuck Park. This time
around, the Machine didn’t need a 1-yard-touchdown run (The Longest
Yard) on the game’s final play to get a vict’ry. Mad Jack’s Sledheads
had the win wrapped up by halftime. So, the Power Sleds spent the second
half inflicting as much damage to the Eastern Euro-peasant Immigrants as
they possibly could. Let’s see, they used brass knuckles, the
clothesline, “I think I broke his freakin’ neck,” and the Ray Nitsche
groin pass. The Rookie Slovaks absorbed the A.W., obviously sorry that
they didn’t tell Mad before the game NOT to “mess ‘em up too bad, Big
John.”*
* Cleaned up for family reading and Internet posting.
Nauts Upset Woo Crew
(Gardendale)—In Sunday’s biggest upset, the lowly Jugtown Juggernauts
“shocked the Monkey.” (Woo Crew) Tommy T. had planned this to be his
grand return to Rocket Stadium. In fact, kids in Maroon & Gray jerseys
with “44’s” emblazoned on them were spread out, throughout the crowd,
ready to root for the Woosiers, and hoping to get a glimpse of their
hero, Woo. However, the home standing girls held their ground. A.E.’s
Rice Rockets began firing on all cylinders, and by the time Woo knew
what hit him, the Nauts were celebrating at Burger King and Big Al’s.
Son of Slim Sunk by Johnny’s
(Silver Lakes)—The latest quote from Slim goes something like this:
“Getting old is like being a Bear Cub wearing boxing gloves and trying
to… ‘scratch where it itches.’”** The BULLETIN doesn’t exactly know what
this means, but it doesn’t sound too good. However, the Son of Slim used
the gloves (comfortably fitting over three toes) not to scratch, but to
punch the Johnny’s. In fact, the Johnny’s looked like they had been
punched a few times in the mouth by the end of BDFL action Sunday.
However, the Gray Beard-leading Grenades bounced back on Monday Night –
in what is becoming a common BDFL Monday Night Comeback – to subdue the
Sloth Monsters. Mukes has got to learn that writing a check (unless
you’re Dog) just doesn’t work in this league. Payments to the
commissioner, and other trade-friendly teams, should be made in liquid.
Then, you only run the risk of their parents stealing the beverages,
thinking that it might be “Beach Beer.”
**Cleaned up for family reading and Internet posting.
Wizards Lay Egg, Lose Big to
Cheetahs
(Riverchase)—In possibly the worst performance of the year in the BDFL,
the Wizards laid a big egg in Riverchase this weekend. Merlin’s “Toilet
Seat Team of the Week” performance didn’t even reach double-figures.
“Single digits and single dollars,” said one observer. “He could have
won, but he blew all his one’s.” And, the Table Dancers weren’t too
happy either, because Merlin apparently only brought $3 with him. Oddly,
the same number of points he scored, and the amount that used to get him
by on Saturday nights in the 1980’s in his frequent trips with Bo,
Fullwood, and Middleton to ‘Skegee. The Wizards, who simply were not
ready to face the felines, must now sit back and wonder where they would
be if they hadn’t scheduled Louisiana-Monroe, The Citadel, and La Tech.
Woods Brothers Outrun Mildcats
(No Teeth, Tenn.)—The BioCats journeyed up to No Teeth Territory, in
search of the chemical content of Knox County White Lightning. The James
Gang had packed beakers and test tubes and Bunson Burners, looking to
unlock the secret of Moonshine. Their infiltration into the backwoods
looked to be successful, at first. But when it was time to grab the
goods and run, the Rookie Mildcats just didn’t have the horsepower to
hang with the Woods Brothers and their Big Block Dodge. The Bootleggers
got back their prized corn-squeeze, sour-mash whiskey and kicked the
Cats “keester over cranium” back to Alabama. “Rocky Ridge ain’t Rocky
Top, boy,” said the victorious John Boy.
Bow Wow! Dogs Bite Gamblers
(Biloxi)—The Brookside “Lie, Cheat and Steal” road show hit the
Mississippi Gulf Coast like Hurricane Ivan this weekend. Mark’s Mutts
slammed from casino to casino, taking cash and chips and leaving behind
“little presents” to fester. “I learned that from Woo,” said the
victorious Top Dog. (Of the lowly Yellow Hammer Division.) And, it may
be the Woo Crew that the Dogs will meet in the playoffs, if both teams
stay on top of their respective divisions in the BDFL. “There are some
tricks that Uncle Ray and Doolie taught me that I will pull out when the
time is right,” said Dog. “I can’t even talk about them now. Let’s just
say they involve motorcycles, nuts, shotguns, and knees.”
Blades Beat Bullets (“For I am
Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.”)
(Pelham)—L.A. came within an eye lash of having his “World’s Collide”
this weekend and kill “Independent Lyle.” How he avoided disaster no one
knows? But the Blades managed to stop the Bullets on the front steps
before the Bullerino could go into stories about “Suds, Kegs, P.C.B.,
Section 69, Poker Nights, or V.K. and the Ralph Brothers.” Meanwhile,
Bullet could do nothing but turn back and head South toward the Black
Belt muttering, “I’m dark, I’m inadequate, I’m troubled, I’m insecure,
I’ve got it all!” Apparently, he went on babbling like this all the way
to Lowndes County, answering questions from no one (Cosmo?) in
particular: Do you have a job? “No.” Do you have a girlfriend? “No.” Do
you have any prospects? “No.” Do you have any conceivable reason for
getting up in the morning? “I like to get the Daily News.”
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