From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Pigskin
Prognostications - Week 11
By Spaceman Spiff
Fighting Slovaks vs. Grenades
In what amounts to sort of an
“Intra-Family Civil War” (demented and sad, but still a civil war),
Chris Hand and the “Radio Broadcasting Banana Eaters” battle the “Unholy
Alliance” at George Ward Memorial on the lower field with the loser
buying the first round at The Deli afterwards. What little the Fighting
Slovaks had going for them has been largely gutted due to injury and
starters getting benched, and the Great Wizardo says that Adam will be
hard pressed to keep the Grenades off the airwaves. Even a few drops of
holy water from the Vatican may not be enough to keep the inevitable
defeat from becoming a reality. Video may have killed the radio star,
but this weekend expect him to rise from the ashes.
Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.
Cheetahs vs. Wooden Warriors
Butch Neal’s “Riverchase Rut Rangers” visit the friendly confines of the
Black Crick Reservation this weekend intent on taking the home team down
a peg before leaving late Sunday evening. On the other side, the
“Tomahawk Tossin’ Tontos” have no plans of losing any scalps this
weekend to their guests. With a substantial lead in the Green Horn
Division, Jaimie has high hopes of staying atop his contenders and this
match-up could go a long ways in determining the Black Creek Nation’s
fate. The Warriors are better on paper and in the standings, but the
Wizard sees one of his patented back door covers coming to fruition,
even if the Woodskins bring home the victory.
Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.
Mayors vs. Wizards
The “Wizard of Oz” looked more like the “Wizard of Id” last week as a
very weak effort all but throttled his Green Horn Division hopes, which
means Merlin is likely to borrow a page from the Sloth Monster’s
playbook and begin sending the Iron Hand vitriolic e-mails railing
against the injustices of world hunger, poverty, war, pestilence, and
the current divisional drawings. Nevertheless, the “Wand Wavers” had
best prepare for the arrival of Alan Arrington and his “Tax ‘n Spend
Civil Servants” if they have any plans of trying to make a comeback, or
at least cut their losses with some victories. The Mayors do not look
that strong on paper, and have played up to their capabilities,
unfortunately, so far this year. The Wizardo always says you can’t
squeeze blood out of a turnip nor can you turn a sow’s ear into silk,
both of which would need to happen for the Mayors to leave victoriously.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wizards.
Blades vs. Woosiers
In the past Lyle Arrington has remained in an undisclosed, reclusive
hide-out where he has spent the majority of the BDFL season while
leaving his “Ronco Cud Cutters” to largely fend for themselves, yet the
Blades more often than not find a way to be more than respectable in the
BDFL. This year, however, a more engaged Lyle has the Blades knocking on
the door of the “BDFL ‘Footloose’ Fall Festival (complete with a special
guest appearance by Kevin Bacon, Sean Penn’s brother, and maybe the hot
chick that played Bacon’s girlfriend)” beginning Week 16. In their path
are the Red Neck Division leading “West Blount BOOsiers” who have the
scared the h$!! out of the rest of the BDFL all year long. Although they
have been dominant, two major injuries in Week 10 have the Woosiers
tapping out SOS signals deep in the heart of West Blount County, and the
Great Wizardo doesn’t see anyone answering their distress calls any time
soon.
Wizard’s Winner…the Blades.
Gamblers vs. Wildcats
Kenny Breal and the “Bayou Bash Brothers” have a fearsome reputation
along the Gulf for playing long ball in the local “two-and-que” softball
tournaments and also have a reputation as a BDFL title contender,
although the latter is one that has been tarnished as of late.
Nevertheless, the Gamblers are sure to have their Tahiti Blue Dots
cooked to a golden crisp, and will break out their 100% navy blue
polyester coaching shorts to greet the visitors. Meanwhile, the
“HoldCats” are largely treading water in their rookie year and seem to
have no intention of making a big splash any time soon. A dinged
Leftwich has left a void in the Kenny’s line up, but don’t expect him to
stop rollin’ the dice with any less ferocity. Unfortunately for Kenny,
he will likely throw too many snake eyes to leave Rocky Ridge with much
more than his coaching shorts.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wildcats.
Juggernauts vs. Bullets
The Wizard has a theory that this pair of cellar dwellers must have
raised their respective players on Milk of Magnesia because they are
about the crappiest teams the BDFL has seen in some time despite Allyson
Edward’s monumental upset last week over the Woosiers. Nevertheless, the
BDFL version of the “Toilet Bowl” is on for this weekend when Allyson
and the “Rice Burners” try to turn up the heat on the “Shag Kings” at
The Jug this weekend. Fortunately for Allyson, rather than staring
straight down the barrel of a .44, she’ll more than likely be facing a
cap gun Bullet bought at the local Elmore's five and dime store. This is
a “pick ‘em” if the ever the Great Wizardo saw one, although ELVO sees
it differently, and there is a distinct possibility both teams will find
a way to lose. Regardless, in the end the Wizard will hold his nose and
go with…
Wizard’s Winner…the Bullets.
Bootleggers vs. Dogs
A roller coaster season has had the Woods Brother debating whether or
not to scrap the big, black Dodge, buy a Mercury, and cruise it up and
down the road to see if they can generate a little more horse power. In
the end, it’s likely they will hang on to what they know and turn the
wrenches a little faster to get the desired result although those
wrenches will have to be spinning like a top if they plan to have enough
horses under the hood to drive off a pack of a snarling “Pedigree Pups”,
who are force to be reckoned with in the BDFL hierarchy. A healthy
Tomlinson would probably give the Bootleggers the set-up they need to
keep it wide open through the turns and stuck to the bottom of the
track, but that is a big “if”.
Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.
Sloth Monsters vs. Power Sleds
The Great Wizardo says that early Sunday morning Jack Barnes will have
the “Slay Riders” out packin’ the mud at the Dolodome Dirt Track off
Richard M. Scrushy Parkway in order to be ready by the time “Tree-huggin
Peaceniks” arrive for an afternoon of tradin’ paint at the local bull
ring. The Sloth Monsters have some weapons in their vaunted rushing
attack, although they usually seem to stay on the bench, and are poised
to take a difficult to achieve victory on the road if they can contain
Mad Jack’s killer QB, Peyton Manning. That may be difficult to do since
the Colts aren’t playing the Florida Gators this weekend, but the Wizard
says that although the Sleds may be packin’ mud, the Sloths will be
poundin’ sand.
Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth
Monsters. |
