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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Pigskin
Prognostications - Week 1
By Spaceman Spiff
Wizards vs. Sloth Monsters
It’s a Week One intra-divisional match-up of former BDFL champions as
Mike Dismukes’ Silver Lakes “Groovy Ghoulies” welcome the Wizards to
determine who rules over Hoover for the time being. Both teams finished
poorly last season and would like to regain some of the luster from
previous seasons and believe that there is no time like the present to
get things started. Nevertheless, the Wizard and the rest of his “Yachts
& Croissants” armada had better be locked and loaded to deliver a few
broadsides to their hosts when they sail west because the Sloth Monsters
are sure to send out their own little version of a welcome party that
may more closely resemble Omaha Beach to the invaders than the friendly
confines of Silver Lakes.
Wizard’s Winner…the Sloth Monsters.
Bullets vs. Bootleggers
If ya’ like duelin’ banjos, Rocky Top will be the place to be this
weekend when Jon Wood and the “Booze Brothers” host Bullet and the “West
Alabama White Trash” in a battle to determine who has the fewest limbs
on their family tree. There’ll be plenty of pigs squealin’ and more than
a few “purty mouths” on hand to witness the carnage, but in the end it
will be Jon and the gang that break off one of their cockroach-killin’
boots in Bullet’s backside.
Wizard’s Winner…the Bootleggers.
Mayors vs. Cheetahs
The past two BDFL champions square off on opening day when Alan
Arrington’s “Rainbow Coalition Kings” take on the “Riverchase Chicken
Chokers” in a bid to regain their 2002 BDFL crown after suffering
through a miserable 2003 campaign. The Cheetahs are hoping the spots
they picked up last year in their championship run don’t fade like an
old pair of blue jeans, but will hard pressed to repeat their
performance of a year ago. Nevertheless, the Cheetahs look good on paper
and figure to dispatch the visiting Mayors post haste.
Wizard’s Winner…the Cheetahs.
Woosiers vs. Gamblers
Some people call them the “Space Cowboys” and some call them the
“Gangsters of Love”, but to the BDFL rank ‘n file they are simply the
Woosiers, and leader Tommy Todd is planning on a coming out party after
two years of serving as the official league doormat. However, earning
your spurs against the two-time BDFL champion Gamblers is a daunting
task for anyone no matter the circumstances. Nevertheless, the Woosiers
hope to have an extra ace or two up their sleeves when they sit down at
the table Sunday afternoon to cut the cards. The head Woosier didn’t
show for the draft, which means his chances of lining up a winner in ’04
improved dramatically.
Wizard’s Winner…Woosiers.
Fighting Slovaks vs. Wooden Warriors
Although the Great Wizardo has no #&$^$%* idea what a Fighting Slovak
is, I’m sure he will find out in time after this expansion team begins
play in the highly competitive BDFL hoping to prove they belong. As a
gesture of goodwill, the Wizard would like to give the new kids on the
block a few friendly pointers.
Don’t draft two kickers first and think you have snookered the rest of
the league in doing so.
Don’t use Jaimie’s B-list as a draft guide.
Remember Irving Spikes is no longer the “go to guy” for the Miami
Dolphins.
Make sure you give the BDFL Commissioner the right phone number if you
can’t go to the draft. Getting six out of seven numbers right doesn’t
appear to be enough.
Don’t disappear off the face of the earth for whole chunks of the
season.
If you have a tender hamstring, make sure you keep it loose during
games.
If the player you want to draft is already in the Hall of Fame, you
might want to reconsider drafting someone else.
I don’t know that I would go after Ricky Williams too early.
Meanwhile, Jaimie Hand and the “Black Crick (not to be confused with Ol’
Man Kelsie’s Crick) Woodskin Nation” hope to rebound from a
heartbreaking defeat in the Big Daddy Bowl are a late game collapse last
season. At least the Woodskins finished first in their other Friday
night league, and they figure to come out of the chute in this league
with an easy win.
Wizard’s Winner…the Wooden Warriors.
Wildcats vs. Dogs
Despite a drafting style bordering on the arcane and an unerring ability
to ask questions that had their own border on the insane, the “James’
Gang” managed to get out of Dodge with a relatively good draft that
should bode well for the rookies in their inaugural year. Unfortunately
for the “itty, bitty, kitty committee”, the “Junkyard Dogs” are far
meaner than bad, bad Leroy Brown, and appear to have put together a
title contender that could very well take them deep in the hunt for a
BDFL title. Week One probably won’t test their mettle, but getting a win
under your belt early is always important.
Wizard’s Winner…the Dogs.
Juggernauts vs. Blades
The “Leeds Rice-burners” came away from draft night with their best bet
for challenging the “good ol’ boys” club for a BDFL championship with a
strong contingent of players that should be more than enough to dull any
attacks the “Super Sabers” may throw their way in Week One. Like their
hermitic leader, the Blades are a conundrum wrapped in an enigma (or is
it the other way around?) that could rapidly climb the BDFL peckin’
order or sink like the Titanic. If McGahee and Griffin become the
feature backs of their respective teams, the Blades could become a
much-feared opponent. If not, it’s the same old song ‘n dance.
Wizard’s Winner…the Juggernauts.
Power Sleds vs. Grenades
After diluting the league and stacking his division in a poorly
concealed effort to manufacture his first BDFL title, Chris Hand and his
“fire engine red, two sizes too small, 100% polyester coachin’ shorts
wearing Banana-eaters” host Fairfield’s “Lunatic Fringe” in their
opener. Jack Barnes and the Sleds have two titles to their credit, but
none in the “modern era” and desperately want to return to form after
“protesting” the 2003 campaign although the Great Wizardo, under those
guidelines, could make a case that the Power Sleds have been on strike
since circa 1995. These two teams could be dark horses in the run for
the roses and are very evenly matched on paper, which is why only a
prognosticator such as the Wizard is able to see beyond the names and
numbers to say that the Grenades will touch all four often enough to
come out of the gates unscathed.
Wizard’s Winner…the Grenades.
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