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From The Crystal Ball
The BDFL's Weekly Pigskin Prognostications

By The Wizard

Witty, insightful commentary on

the 2005 BDFL season from the Wizard
After watching the world turn upside down in 2004, the Wizard has seen it return to a more natural state as the much coveted “Prognosticator of the Year” Award (POTY Award) has once again resumed its rightful place in his trophy case after the Wizard defeated the Evil Las Vegas Oddsmakers (ELVO) in an impressive fashion this season.

Cheetahs
“Butch Neal’s ‘Sin Wagon’ rolled to its second BDFL title in the last three years giving them dibs as the equivalent of the NFL’s New England Patriots, a formerly moribund franchise at best that has risen to inexplicable heights in recent years. Congratulations to the Cheetahs for a job well done although being forced to sit next to Jerry at the BDFL draft probably distracted Butch enough so that he accidentally drafted the right combination of players.”

Wildcats
“The ‘James’ Gang’s Rocky Ridge Train Robbers’ held up just about every stage coach, train, and bank in the BDFL this season in route to a remarkable sophomore year and a Yellow Hammer Division championship. Although they lost in the title game, it did little to tarnish a truly great year for Jerry and the Wildcats. Nevertheless, the Wizard still doesn’t see people lining up just yet to sit by Jerry at next year’s player selection to seek “Just Say No” drafting advice despite the fact that many BDFL insiders say it helped propel the Cheetahs to the championship.”

Wizards
“After being left for dead at mid-season, the ‘Wand Wavers’ staged a stunning comeback that led them to the Green Horn Division title and a third place finish in the final standings. Unfortunately for the Wizards, 3rd place is just the second loser.”

Gamblers
“The ‘Wagin’ Cajuns’ emerged from the muck and mud of the Red Neck Division to claim the title on the final day of the season in one of the many hotly contested divisional match-ups this year. Doing it with a line-up that was held together with baling wire, rubber bands, and Elmer’s Glue has to either qualify Kenny as the ‘BDFL Coach of the Year’, or the ‘Lucky Dog’ award for playing in the RND.”

Power Sleds
“Jack’s ‘Midnight Train to Memphis’ pulled out of the station late this season, but poured on the coals the last half of the year to be perhaps the strongest team in the BDFL by the end of the year. An impressive win in Week 17 over the Grenades only warranted a 5th place finish for the Sleds, but it appears that after a number of sub par seasons and at least two years where the Sleds were protesting the BDFL (although protesting what? the Wizard has not the slightest idea), Jack is officially back. Had they started their run a couple of weeks earlier, it could have been the Sleds celebrating a 3rd BDFL title (1st in the modern era) instead of watching the Cheetahs take their vict'ry laps instead.”

Grenades
“Despite bobbing to the top of the BDFL’s most competitive division on more than one occasion this year, Chris Hand’s chance at a first BDFL championship faded (Wizard’s Note: It’s a family tradition along with getting stoned and singing all night long.) down the home stretch and left the ‘Banana-eaters’ in 3rd place in the rugged Gray Beard Division, and a disappointing 6th in the final standings. It’s anybody’s guess as to what the BDFL’s ‘Iron Hand’ will concoct next season to try and bring the title to his new swank NashVegas digs. Stay tuned.”

Wooden Warriors
“A strange thing happened on the ‘Doo Doo Diggers’ way to a 3rd consecutive Green Horn Division title and the obligatory runner-up finish in the BDFL that goes with it (at no additional charge, mind you). A key injury to Priest Holmes and the persistent Wizards coupled to give the Wooden Warriors perhaps their most devastating fade in BDFL history, which is saying something. After choking away yet another title shot, one would think the Warriors have the gag reflex down pat.”

Juggernauts
Allyson Edwards and the ‘Bra Burners’ continue to push a very big rock up a very steep hill in the testosterone-laced BDFL, and with very little to show for her efforts. However, the ‘Nauts have made strides in recent seasons and may be able to prove they belong with a little luck in addition to keeping plenty of rice and women’s undergarments on hand to keep the home fires burning.”

Bullets
Although the ‘Lowndes County Shag Kings’ seemed to have a tight grip on 1st place the last leg of the season, fate, luck, and Slovensky blood lines all combined to make Bullet the last of the three Hand Brothers to have a seemingly clear shot at their respective division title only to see it vanish like a mirage late in the year leaving him as the only one with a BDFL title, albeit a tainted one.”

Mayors
“The ‘Rainbow Coalition Bureaucrats’ appeared to have the right combination to grab their 2nd BDFL championship, but crashed and burned at mid season in spectacular fashion leaving their title hopes little more than a charred hulk.”

Sloth Monsters
“The ‘Silver Surfin’ Chest Crackers’ had a very eventful year starting with the BDFL Draft where Mukes had the rest of the league drawing straws to see who would get the honor to be a pallbearer at his funeral that seemed imminent at the time. Nevertheless, Mukes recovered in fine fashion and his team very nearly took the Green Horn Division title by year’s end. Although it didn’t materialize, the Sloths still finished the year on a very high note by pounding the Blades and hopefully paving the way for a run at a second BDFL title in 2006.”

Blades
“The Great Wizardo has often pondered if a tree makes a noise when it falls if no one is there to hear it. (Wizard’s Note: The Wizard says of course it does since everything is the same whether or not someone is present to hear it, which has nothing to do with the tree making a sound in the first place.) In a similar vein, would a team make a noise as it crashed to earth if the owner were nowhere to be found to hear it? The Wizard isn’t so sure in this case.”

Dogs
“The ‘Hapless Hounds’ never showed much of bite this year, nor even a whimper for that matter, but did manage to finish the season positively by beating the woeful Woosiers although taking candy from a baby may have proved more of a challenge.”

Woosiers
“The ‘Smoke Rise Love Guns’ must have been smokin’ some left-handed cigarettes this season as they put on perhaps the most inept title defense in league history. Although you can’t ever take back a championship that was won on the field, this performance begs you to reconsider if in fact you can.”

Bootleggers
“Jon Wood and his ‘Big, Block Dodge’ never truly got the hood down long enough to make any laps at speed and were repeatedly black-flagged for not maintaining enough horsepower to keep from being a menace to not only himself, but to the rest of the BDFL rank ‘n file as well. On a brighter note, the Wizardo was able to go against the Bootleggers each week, no matter the spread, and come out on the long end much more often than not.”

Fighting Slovaks
“The Wizard pondered what other derogatory comments he could heap on the punch line for practically every joke in the BDFL this year, but was very hard pressed to think of any. The ‘Slavs’ finished the year in a fashion so dismal as to embarrass the word ‘dismal’ itself. Not only did the Slovaks take the dubious honor of winning the lowest scoring contest in BDFL history, a 4-2 win over the Wizards, they continued to set the mark for abysmal performances on a startlingly consistent basis each week. Hopefully, next year will bring brighter skies to the Slovaks before their charter is revoked.”

Quote of the

Year

"I drafted my next next pick a few years ago and he was a disaster, so drafting him again is kind of like a dog going back to lick its own vomit. You don't know why he does it, he just does"
The Wizard at the 2005 BDFL Genuine Draft before selecting WR-Porter/OAK who actually had some productive games late in the year when he needed him.
 

The BDFL | Mayors | Grenades | Cheetahs | PowerSleds | Bullets | Gamblers | Bootleggers | Woosiers

Wildcats | Juggernauts | Dogs | Blades | Wooden Warriors | Wizards | Sloth Monsters | Fighting Slovaks

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