5-0 after 5 – Cheetahs claw Gamblers:

A pair of BDFL teams have moved to 5-0 on the season and remain undefeated and atop of their respective divisions in the league. The Southside Cheetahs continue to win. Plain and simple and easy as pie, the Sin Wagon continues to roll to vict’ries in the BDFL. In Week Five, the Gulf Coast Gamblers fell to the Cheetahs. The Dixie Mafia ventured north from the warm confines of the Red Neck Riveria, and were rudely greeted by some cooler temperatures and some fired up and ready Cheetahs. The game was close, but in the end, the Cheetahs were too strong for the Gamblers and notched a 28-20 win to remain perfect in 2023 and on top of the Gray Beard Division.  

5-0 after 5 – (Part 2) Dogs slip past Sleds:

Meanwhile, on top of the Yellow Hammer Division after five weeks of fantasy football action are the Brookside Dogs. At this point, it looks like Mark’s Mutts are doing it with “smoke and mirrors.” The Dogs traveled through the woods from Brookside to Fairfield this past Sunday. When they arrived in the shadow of the steel mill smoke stacks, they took care of business against the PowerSleds behind a tremendous defensive effort. Brookside held Fairfield to one touchdown and nothing else in winning a low-scoring game by the final score of 19-7. Mad Jack Barnes was understandably “mad” after his team underperformed, and they allegedly stayed on the field after the game was over to run sprints and “get their minds right.”  

Sloths absorb A.W. from the dominating ‘Dillos:

Three A.W.’s dot the landscape in Week Five of the BDFL. The “high point man” of the week ended up being Kurt Prewitt. His Duncanville Armadillos were “on a roll” this past weekend, and they put an A.W. on the Sloth Monsters (57-35). Muke’s Three Toed Tree Dwellers were doomed by the Dreaded Schedule Maker (DSM). The Sloths scored 35 and still lost, and still absorbed an A.W. in the process. In case you are keeping score at home – and we know you are – the Sloths would have defeated 13 other teams in Week Five. However, all Mukes got for his trouble was another “L” and an 0-5 record on the season to remain the only BDFL team without a win in 2023. For the Armadillos and K.P. they are preparing a celebratory visit to T-Town to bask in the glow of a big win, gather up some “pork products,” and possibly a honey baked ham, and watch the Tide take on Arkansas from Section L, Row 8, in Bryant-Denny Stadium.  

Bandits bash Bellcows with A.W. effort:

It was like Jerry Reed and Burt Reynolds re-united this past weekend in the BDFL. It was hammer down from Thursday Night NFL action all the way through Monday Night Football. The black TransAm with the familiar t-tops was running at top speed and the Altadena Bandits ran all over the Fieldstown Bellcows. It was an A.W. for Old Barry as his Bandits bashed Bell Head, 33-11. David Belrose couldn’t do anything but hang his head in shame as his team was run out of the stadium. The Bandits celebrated the vict’ry with a post-game trip to Burger King and then a nightcap over at Big Al’s. It was a “banner week” at Barry’s house.  

Wildcats Roar – Administer A.W. vs. The Commissioner:

The headline is correct. It is not a misprint. There are no typos in the headline pointing out that the Western Hills Wildcats put an A.W. on the Mineral Springs Grenadiers in Week Five. The Bulletin doesn’t expect anyone to hear from the Commissioner this week, as he probably will plan to “lay low” and let this loss pass away in time, no matter how long that lasts. On the other sideline, the “James Gang” has to be giddy by getting a win, notching an A.W., and illustrating that the ‘Cats draft night strategy was not as flawed as earlier reported by numerous fantasy football publications. So, at the end of the week in the BDFL, three A.W.’s marked some very lopsided games.  

Vulcans A&M Bullets – Attack & Maul:

Speaking of lopsided, not-close, blowout games… the North Birmingham Vulcans ran out to a 27-0 lead against the Benton Bullets after the NFL’s Thursday Night game. The final score was 43-24, but that was not an A.W. The Bullets did not quit and battled back to close the final gap to 19 to avoid the A.W. It was still the biggest win in the Rookie Season for Nic Hand. The Vulcans joined up with Matthew Hand from the JrBDFL to drive to Texas and back and cheer on the Tide to a 6-point win against A&M. Nic then utilized that momentum – along with the 27-points he scored on Thursday Night – to secure a big vict’ry in BDFL action. “Attack and maul,” said Nic. “That was the strategy, to attack on TNF, and then maul through the weekend. I hope Uncle Bullet isn’t too upset and continues to pay the rent.” [Note: Per The Bulletin: Bullet is not upset. He reportedly would give up a BDFL win any day to come away with a road, SEC win by the Crimson Tide.]  

Freebirds flip double birds in TD win over ‘Nauts:

If Jammin’ Jaimie Hand would have made the trip to Texas, he would have almost certainly greeted the Aggies with double birds. “It’s a tradition,” Hime once said. And, to fire up his fantasy football team and to intimidate the Jugtown Juggernauts, Old Bocephus pulled out the same strategy in Week Five in the BDFL. It worked. The ‘Nauts were a little off their game on Sunday, and the Fultondale Freebirds took advantage of the situation. The scoreboard past the South End Zone at Driver Stadium at Ed Bruce Field read: Birds 23 – Nauts 16, when the clock struck 0:00. Allyson was slightly devastated by the loss and headed for home, while Jaimie was so excited he caught up with Barry at Burger King and then at Big Fags to talk about the good old days, play some video games, and celebrate the “W.”  

Mayors upset by Blitz in Sunday shocker:

The Magic City Mayors were shocked at the end of Week Five action in the National Football League and the BDFL. The two time, defending champions were on the losing end of a 31-24 outcome. The Druid City Blitz made the short trip up Interstate 59/20 to Legion Field and escaped with a TD-margin win “on the road.” The Fritz Gritz Blitz played their normal brand of blitzing defense and kept the explosive Mayors in check, but it was the offense that made the difference for daBlitz in the upset vict’ry. The Cronies took the loss in stride and quickly turned all of their attention to getting the Magic City ready for the upcoming Magic City Classic.  

Week Four in the JrBDFL – “It’s all about the kids.”

The season continues to roll on in the Junior League. Milton Hand was “high point man” in Week Meanwhile, in the Junior League, Milton Hand was flying high last week in the JrBDFL, and he went 3-0 in that league and all of his “other” leagues. However, in Week 5… Milton and his Lowndes County Labs came crashing down to earth. All of his teams lost, and he suffered an 0-3 week. So, you could say that he went from the penthouse to the outhouse, even though he remained in his same bedroom in Benton. Elsewhere, Meredith Hand eked out a win and Matthew Hand lost, but he and Nic Hand (BDFL – Vulcans) completed a successful mission to College Station, Texas and back with promotional stops in Shreveport and at virtually every Bucee’s they passed west of Jackson, Miss. For any of the other scores, consult your closest JrBDFL member or get the password to their ESPN.com account.  

The Fourth Hand Brother – Part 4 – The Amalgam:

For the 4th installment of the 4th Hand Brother, The Bulletin turns to Little League baseball and Metro football for some nominees. These honorary brothers, or kids who at one time or another could have been included as a 4th Hand brother have more to do with their Dads – and their activities with Donald Hand – than they actually do with Chris, Jerome, and Jaimie. Here we go: Booger Brasher, Chuck Tumlin, and Johnny Belcher are this week’s “could’ve been a 4th Hand Brother.” One of each of the above were in Chris, Bullet, and Jaimie’s grade and on multiple football and baseball teams from 1969-1975, and beyond. But, more importantly their Dads: Russ Brasher, Charlie Tumlin, and Clifton Belcher spent a lot of time at Moncrief Park together. Honorable mention: Uncle Ray Fields and Paul Fields, Mouse Burkett and Bucket, and Albert Reeves and his son Albert. Note: BDFL members are up next.