The Bulletin - Week 9 - Dominate Who?

“Men Rule” as Cheetahs Spank ‘Nauts:

“Here come the Cheetahs!” shouted someone “out loud” on Sunday morning in Gardendale. Then suddenly down into the valley (not Valley Avenue, yet) of Ed Bruce Field at Rocket Stadium (really Driver Stadium) in the hamlet that used to be called Jugtown, the Southside Cheetahs thundered onto the field behind old, number 22, Butch Neal. They crowd began to chant, “Neal, Neal, Neal,” and the rout was on. The homestanding Jugtown Juggernauts never even had a chance, even on their own home field, as the Sin Wagon rolled “like a Wagon Wheel,” all over the beleaguered Bra Burners, 43-20, which goes down in the annals of the BDFL as an A.W. On the bright side, the ‘Nauts can take solace in the fact that they are 7-2 on the season, and if their point total holds up (in the Top 8) they will make the Big Daddy Championship Series (BDCS).

‘Dillos Out Deal the Gamblers:

The only other BDFL team that has guaranteed themselves a non-losing season in 2016 is the Duncanville Armadillos. K.P. & Company hold a 7-2 record through nine weeks and the Top Point Total in the league. The ‘Dillos didn’t score that much in Week Nine, but 23-points was enough to defeat the Gulf Coast Gamblers, AND cover the 6½ -point spread. So, not only did the Texas Toasters get a big vict’ry on the Gulf Coast, they also showed Vegas (and Biloxi to a lesser extent) that they know a thing or two about gambling.

Dogs Dump Pixie Dusters on the Banks of the Five Mile Creek:

The surprising team that is in second place overall in the overall points total category is the Brookside Dogs. Mr. Burr has pulled out all the stops this season in an exhausting effort to end his 21-years of futility in the BDFL. Thus far, it seems to be working. The Dogs took a bite out of Parks’ Pasco County Wizards this past weekend on the Banks of Five Mile Creek, sounding the alarm that someone from the Null Set Club is ready, willing, and able to ascend to the throne of the BDFL this season. The final score on the Phil Slovensky / Petey Meadows scoreboard read, Dogs 31, Visitors 21.

Blitz Blows Up BioCats:

In a low-key battle for mediocrity, the Blitz beat the BioCats in Fair Park on Sunday, 40-29. It was exactly as uneventful as it sounds as the Alabama State Fair far overshadowed the goings on inside BIR on the forgotten football field where Birmingham’s best prep players from the past used to battle it out. As far as the BDCS goes, both of these teams are on the “outside looking in,” but at least the Druid City Blitz is trying to make some kind of move toward respectability, while the Where Are They Now Wildcats try and salvage something out of another dismal season in the BDFL. At least they don’t have WARTS breathing down their neck.

Woosiers Top Mayors, 17-7, in Defensive Struggle:

The Woo Crew laughed when they were only installed a 2½-point favorite, at home, against the floundering Magic City Mayors. And, in a low-scoring, defensive struggle, and an old-fashioned-type of throwback game, the Smoke Rise Woosiers topped the Cronies and headed straight for the Top Hat. As the weather turns colder, you can expect the Woo Crew to begin their patented stretch run into contention at the top of the BDFL. And, while a glance at the standings will reveal that Tommy T. is not there yet, no one really wants to meet up with the Woosiers at this point in the season.

Adam Slovensky Tops Jack Slovensky:

“It’s a good thing Jack is in the medical field. He can mend his own wounds from the beat down administered by the Fightin’ Slovaks,” said ASLO in an email to the entire BDFL. And, for once Adam was right. His Slovak machine grinded down the Mean Machine in Week Nine, 33-20, on the road in Fairfield, Alabama. In the much anticipated matchup of Adam Slovensky and Jack Slovensky, the EuroTrash Talkers were the ones left standing to brag on social media about their epic vict’ry. So, all you have to do is log onto your computer, flip on your iPad, or look at your phone and you can be immediately notified of the season the Slovaks are having. ASlo & Company are now 6-3 on the season and dominating the Green Horn Division. So, not only should the PowerSleds be embarrassed, but those teams in Adam’s division (Wizards, Sloths, and Wooden Warriors) should also be ashamed. Rap on, ASlo.

Bullets Fall to Monday Night Magic – Again:

“This is what I hate about Monday Night Football,” said a completely and totally deflated Jerome “Bullet” Hand, following his second consecutive come-from-ahead loss following MNF. The Benton Bullets held a four-point lead (38-34) after all of the Sunday games in the NFL in Week Nine. Then on Monday Night Football (MNF), Jimmy Graham makes not one, but two, one-handed TD catches to propel the Seattle Seahawks and the Mineral Springs Grenadiers to vict’ry. “My father once called it: ‘$#!&-pot luck,’” said Bullet. “That’s kinda like you’re going to a contest in Tuscaloosa and you have a flat in Bessemer.” Now, that was cleaned up considerably by The Bulletin’s editorial staff and the censorship of the BDFL, but you get the general idea. If you’re wondering why the final score was Commish 46 – Bullets 38, one of the Gut Grenades also scored a TD on MNF. “That actually made me feel better,” said Bullet. “It was like less of a fluke.” Without the back-to-back MNF losses, the Bullets would be 6-3. As it stands now, the old Bullerino is 4-5 and battling for his playoff life going into Week Ten. EDITOR'S NOTE: The Pucker Factor is high in Benton in Week #9.

Irony is So Ironic – Sloths Slip Against Woodies:

Speaking of Monday Night Football, Mukes scored 18-points on MNF. His beloved Sloth Monsters still lost to division rival Kawliga by eight points, 34-26, but it helped the Three Toed Tree Dwellers avoid an A.W. The Black Creek Wooden Warriors got the vict’ry and enjoyed the fruits of the win with the “spoils of war” earned in a side bet with Mukes. It seems as though Kawliga’s ‘Tagamet HB 200,’ came in handy after a weekend of Miller Pony’s and Chicken Wings. “It’s always fun to beat Mukes – don’t get me wrong,” said Hime Hand, “but the post-game stuff can get you in a lot of trouble from a headache and gastrointestinal point of view.”

“It’s all about the kids.”

In the Jr. BDFL, the Selma Southpaws surged to a 70-point week in Week Nine action, and at the same time dominated the Benton Butterflies, (his sister) and climbed to the top of the overall Point Total in the Junior League. Matthew Hand’s Southpaws are now 8-1 on the season and share that top Win-Loss record with the Winston County Walkers and the Lowndes County Labradors. The Walkers are 2^nd in overall points, followed by the Onion Turtles and the Barn Burners, in a Playoff Configuration where the Top 4 Teams get a First Round Bye.

Non-Jr. BDFL member, Nic Hand, however, stole the headlines with his trio of “up close” appearances on Live TV from Red Stick, La.

STANDINGS: